Thursday, September 29, 2005

Lost center

I think I've lost my center again. It's just like losing your balance, only longer. Sort of. When you lose your balance, you just wobble around a bit, maybe even fall. But it's easy to regain. Lose your center and well, that's a different story. When you lose your center, you experience so many things that descriptions would seem to contradict each other. You feel as if you're falling and yet not falling. When you lose your center, you lose your anchor to daily life. So you drift around, maybe wandering aimlessly. You feel like you're falling too, as I've said. But there's no ground to hit, just a lot of falling. And falling is scary because you really feel helpless. Losing your center also means there's a certain hollowness inside. There was something there that's not there anymore, a missing piece. An emptiness that's dying to be filled up. And it really doesn't matter what fills it up again, as long as it's substantial.

I don't know why I'm writing right now. I just feel like it. Honestly, I'm just trying to reach out to anyone. I'm wishing someone would come and fill up this hollowness; bring me back my center. But if I had a coin for every wish I made, I'd never run out of money ever. I'm not usually very open about these things, but I really feel so alone right now. I can't think straight. I can't function well. I'm really very much confused and broken up. I've been through this once before, but it's not the same thing. It's never the same thing. It helps to write; it's a form of release on my part. But then again it doesn't help much. Consider this a cry for help; an act of desperation on my part. It's at this time that I'm really at my weakest. The world goes on, whatever happens. I guess at the very least, I'm just looking for presence. A reminder that I'm not forgotten. A sign that I'm not alone. I just need reassurance that everything's gonna be fine, that I'll get by somehow. I feel cold and lost and empty.. won't somebody bring me back to humanity?

It sucks to be me.

Pagsasapalaran

Mahirap ang makipagsapalaran. Di mo malalaman kung saan ang iyong patutunguhan. Mahaba ang daan, parang walang katapusan. Paikit-ikot ang daloy ng lansangan. Minsan ang daang tinatahak ay nahahati sa maraming hinaharap. At walang pinagkakaiba ang bawat isa sa kanila. Ang paglakad sa isa ay nangangahulugang pagtalikod sa iba. Napapako ang landas sa daang linalakad, na madalas walang kamuangmuang kung saan tutungo. Eto ba ay landas kong totoo? O di kaya'y pagkakamaling pagpili ng daang palalo. Hanggang saan kaya ako matutungo rito sa aking linalakad? Walang tiyak na kasagutan na mababanaag mula sa bukang-liwaylay na tinutunguhan. Maraming uri ng daan ang naraanan na at muling lalakarin. May mabato at kay hirap tawirin. May maputik at madulas tunguhin. May makitid na daan, na parang walang lagusan; mayroon ding malalapad at waring madalas tuluyan. Mahirap talaga makipagsapalaran. Di mo alam kung may maaabutan sa dulo ng daang ginagalawan. Ikaw ba ay mayroon pangarap na tinutunguhan? O hanggang paglalakad na lamang ba ang iyong kahihinatnan?

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Physics1 + Eco102 = Reflection

Some things are easily taken for granted. I kind of miss the past. It's in the natural law of entropy that simple things don't stay simple for very long. They move to chaos, to complication, to disorder. And in all this mess, it is very easy to forget what used to be "ok" already. Everything has to improve, everything has to move forward. But at what cost? The cost is the present.. you just miss it as you keep looking forward into evolving. And when you do realize that, it's already the past. "What used to be" is now gone. Things change, i know. I just can't understand why, at times. There used to be answers before, now I'm only left with questions.

They say that if you compare "before" and "now," you'll end up with the short end of the stick. I can't count how many things I've observed from before that are gone now. Simple things really, but they do add up. And it seems that it's true that you only miss things when they're gone. A simple "thanks" that isn't said anymore because it's already "understood." A courteous "hello" that isn't needed as much. An acknowledgement of some sort that isn't shown anymore because it's normally done anyway. So many things that are lost. It reminds me somehow of the saying, "familiarity breeds contempt," but in another way. Nothing contemptuous, just familiarity in general. Let me explain a bit..

When you meet a person for the first time, you'd want to put your best foot forward, to show your best side (after all, first impressions DO last). You do this because you want the other person to see your good side. There's a certain feeling of accomplishment to winning the person over to your side, like making a new friend. So now after a few weeks, you're getting a bit familiar, and then something happens. Since you're friends already, you've already fulfilled that role and somehow it's not as exciting anymore. All the enthusiasm has been replaced with "duty." You don't do things anymore to win the person over, you've already done that. You're now in the maintenance part, and it doesn't require as much as the best-foot-forward part. You just need to occassionally say hi, speak, throw in compliments.. just necessities to keep the friendship afloat. That's what I mean when I say familiarity. You're then off to making other new friends while you keep your previous ones under your belt. But maybe my explanation isn't too clear. Here's another one..

For those who have pets, I'm sure you understand this better. Have you ever had a brand new puppy? Cute isn't it? What do you do when it arrives for the first time? You play with it, cuddle with it, talk to it.. for hours on end. You can't wait to feed it, to scratch behind it's ears, to rub its belly.. You did those things right? Maybe you won't notice gradually, but after a month or a year, what happens? The puppy grows older, yes. And then? Can you honestly say that you're still giving it as much attention as when you first got it? Do you still look forward to feeding it, playing with it, scratching behind it's ears? Or is it just another chore for you to do? Think about it. In Eco102 we learn about the value of marginal utility, maybe the same concept works here. For those who don't remember, it sort of says that for each additional specific thing you have, you get less and less satisfaction from it. So I guess it's the same for everything, even people. Sad to say, but the more "time" we spend with others, the less satisfaction we get. And so we don't put in as much effort as we used to.

I'm not sure if what I said made any sense. I wanted to write about this for so very long, I just couldn't find the words to do so. It's 2 years in the making, and I doubt that it's complete yet. It still doesn't convey everything in my mind. Some of the people who will read this might disagree. That can't be helped. Some will blame this outlook on my pessimistic approach to everything. That can't be helped too. I'm not trying to say that everyone is bad because of this. Maybe a lot of people have thought about this but couldn't point a finger to what they're thinking.

If it made you stop for a while and think, if it made you consider just a little bit, then maybe something in what I said held a kernel of truth in it for you. And that's all I ever wanted this to be - something to make people stop and think.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Uneventful day

I've done a lot of writing recently, but none of them are ever completed. I'm full of half-baked thoughts and ideas, but none of them seem to materialize into paper. They're all in my mind waiting to be lost at the slightest chance of recall. It feels like I can't do anything anymore. Like I've lost my center somewhat. I can't write, I can't draw, I can't think straight.. none of what I used to enjoy doing give me anymore gratification. This is bad. What if I remain like this forever, feeling lost and without inspiration? It doesn't take much to make me happy, but it takes even less to make me sad, as it seems. But it's not quite sadness. I know "sad," and this is not it. Something more.. something deeper.. like my spirit has lost something. Metaphysical unease? I guess. Something is missing.. it feels like I'm just waiting to die or something. I need to do something, anything, to get me out of this state, and yet I feel too lazy to do anything. Tough. My bones feel heavy. My flesh feels weak. My brain feels all dried up. My will feels.. well, I can't feel it. I'm not physically sick, but I might be if this continues..

Sembreak is nearing. And I can't help but be afraid of it. At least in school I get to see other people. Sembreak at home might just make me insane. Imagine, 30 days with no one to talk to...

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Universality

It's amazing how similar each and everyone of us really are, and yet don't realize that. We all go through much the same thing, and a lot of our reactions are the same. And yet, there's a certain blindness when we're the ones making others react. How can we not see that our actions cause such ripples in others that we ourselves also experience? Are not emotions universal? The pain or love or joy that one experiences do not differ much from what each of us feels. They differ by degree and by our reactions to them, but in the end, is not a painful experience just plain painful? Is not a certain happiness just plain happy? We call them by words familiar to us because they are familiar to us. We know what it means when we say "happy" or "sad" or "lonely" or "excited." In the end, we're all just the same. We feel what others feel, we think what others think, we act how other act. But how can we still not see the "other?"

Friday, September 23, 2005

Just another song

Another song, another sentiment..

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armour
The warrior is a child


Songs have an uncanny way of describing feelings, but they're far from accurate.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

I don't need to explain this anymore.. words are just a source of confusion.. words just make everything complicated..

Smile

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you’ll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what’s the use of crying?
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile


I could really use one right now.. or maybe even two. But it doesn't really matter, as long as I see one that comes from you..

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Away from Neverland

"Living would be an awfully big adventure.."
- Peter Pan


I sometimes come to think how silly my problems are and at the same time how serious they are too. This ambivalence has brought about numerous mood shifts in my part - a balance of which I have never found. I guess it's all a matter of how you look at it really. There are times when I'm so easily affected by the smallest of events, seemingly insignificant to most people, and yet having profound impact on my state of mind and even well-being. Some of you would likely know what I'm talking about. For others, well, you can guess. And then, when the times are good, I think myself silly for being so affected. But they didn't seem very silly then..

What I'm trying to say is that I'm really having a tough time coping with a lot of things. It's hard enough to be concerned with things I should be concerned about at this time, the normal things, and yet I can't seem to avoid being concerned with a few additional things. A few very big additional things. As the Little Prince would put it, "things of great consequence." And most of these are intangible, like feelings. Ok, so now most of you can probably risk a guess.

As Peter Pan put it, living is quite an arduous task. Each life is a story, a great adventure waiting to be told. A drama, a comedy, a tragedy; full of action, monotony, forshadowing, and the occassional plot twists; all rolled-up into a book no words can fully iterate. And the only one who gets to watch it all in it's entirety? Well that would be you.. and you're bound to miss out a few details too, so in the end, you still won't be able to see the entire picture.

I just wish sometimes that I knew all the answers to my questions.. or at least the questions haunting me right now. But where would be the adventure in that? Everyone loves a good tragedy, as long as it's not happening to them. I guess Fate has the same idea. I just wish so badly that my story takes a turn for the better, not one that's destined to be tragic..

I really need a little sweet movie-moment right now..

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Apologies

I do think it's time for some apologies.. I'll just leave the names out, but I guess you'll know who you are when you read your part. I hope. If not, well, be glad that I haven't done anything to you worth apologizing for..?

I'm sorry for all the times I've vented my frustrations on your kind ears. I know very well the stresses of school and how very busy you are. Because of that, I sometimes think that my world is falling apart because people like you, whom I consider a very good friend of mine, are never around just when I have my "episodes." I'm sorry I even thought that. I know that you of all people didn't really desert me, you just have your own life to consider too. I understand that. It's just sometimes I really do feel so alone and when I look around, no one seems to notice..

I'm sorry for slacking off more often than normal. I know I have responsibilities too, but they seem.. mild, compared to the other things I usually think about. I guess I have to reorganize my priorities a bit..

I'm sorry if I haven't been so "open" at times. It's not that I'm keeping secrets from you or anything. It's just that I had wanted to sort them out before I tell anyone. I'll tell you when something comes up that I do understand. I may have also felt a little bit bad from before, when I confided in you and yet you seemed to act in a not very helpful way with regards to what I've told you. But it's ok now. Past is past. I just felt like I had to apologize for it..

I'm sorry for being the eternal pessimist..

I'm sorry if I thought some very bad things.. to the point that it's a bit of backstabbing already. It's not your fault. It shouldn't even affect me. I guess I'm just insecure..

I'm sorry that I thought you were one of those people who "use" others. I still have to learn to differentiate that from just plain personality. There will always be people I won't understand at first, but in time I will. I know you're nice and friendly in your own way, it's just that it's easy to confuse what you do with what I hated of some people. Sorry..

I'm sorry for all the times I haven't been able to explain myself. It's quite difficult doing so without revealing some secrets that aren't ready to be revealed yet. In time you'll find out. I'm also sorry if I seem to worry too much. It's really just who I am. I've also said some things which led to some misunderstanding.. I didn't mean to make it sound that way. And if ever I've been a little too annoying, I'm sorry for that too. I'm sorry when at times I panic too soon, or when I distract you from what you have to do, or when I make you worry, or when I'm just plain silly.. Right now I don't think I can apologize enough. If I say sorry to remove the guilt I'm feeling, there would be no end to the apologies..

I don't think I can apologize for all the things I've done. Maybe some other time. I just thought that apologies were in order because of a song I heard from Dishwalla. And this was the line that really struck me..

"I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold"

I guess that sums it all up.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Beyond invisible

I've talked about "invisibility" before. And now it seems that I have some newfound powers. I've taken invisibility to the next level and now I'm able to remove myself from existence for a period of time! It's sooo way better than being invisible; no one notices you even if you try to exert yourself. No one hears you when you try to speak; no one knows you're there! It's sooo great! When it manifests, I can basically walk among people I know and no one would have any idea that I'm there. It's like melting away from the world. And the best part? I can be alone for as long as I want! What more can you ask for? Nobody can bother me because I don't exist! Wow! This is soooooo amazing!!!

Friday, September 09, 2005

Something to think about

Everything's a rush..

Sometimes I don't know what real anymore. Here I go again with another vague entry.. but when has my life ever been NOT vague? It seems ambiguity and existence go hand-in-hand in my case. So many uncertainties and doubts that I really can't be sure of what I'm sure of. I'm bombarded with mercurial things and there's just no making sense of it. Right now I'm trying to weigh a lot of things. It just seems that some things are hard to shake off, like some things..

But enough of the vagueness for now, or at least a lessening of it. I'm trying to figure out for myself how some things fit "the big picture." A lot of events happen that I really can't fit into a generic model of "good" or "bad." Everything just falls on a shade of gray. I guess that's how everything goes, but how am I supposed to react to that? If it's good, then I should be happy. If it's bad, then I should act accordingly. But what of gray? Is there also a predetermined action for those type of events? In the course of this wondering, I've come upon something I've heard of before. I don't know where it came from, but it helped me cope a bit with the gray area.

Live. And let live.

Such a simple statement. Live. It tells you to go on with life, despite what may be happening. Life doesn't stop when you stop to think, it goes on. It doesn't care if you can't catch up. Live. Don't waste life, no matter what cards you're dealt with. But at the same time, try not to be vindictive or resentful. Let live. Yours is your life, but others'. Let live. Being dealt a bad hand doesn't mean wishing others to have a worse hand than yours. Let other people decide what they want, not what you want. In the end, you're not only responsible for what you make of your life, you're also responsible in letting others decide for themselves what they want out of their lives.

Live. And let live.

This has to be one of my most "positive" entries to date. I guess I did learn something from that little statement above. Or maybe it's just an easier alternative to thinking what to believe in a very vague world..

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Naming the demons that lurk inside..

There's this particular feeling that I often feel on certain instances. It starts down from the pit of your stomach and slowly rises up to form a lump in your throat. At the same time, a feeling of dread swallows you up. You know something is wrong, but either you're too afraid to admit it or you really don't know what it is. There's a sense of urgency too, of wanting to do something about it but you realize that you can't, it's out of your hands. Then with the realization comes a sense of helplessness and you feel it in your gut that you don't want to be where you currently are. You try to look for a place to hide, to make it all go away, to numb the feeling as something inside you feels like it's being squeezed in a vice. You want to shout, to rage, to be angry, to cry.. but you can't. All these emotions are drowning one another that you can't express a single one. And then you feel helpless again, but of a different sort. You feel helpless that you can't find a meaning in all of this. It doesn't make sense to you, but when you think about it, it does. And it scares you. That very fact scares you, because it only means that you've already accepted it.. deep down. I know this feeling.. I know it all too well..

a metaphor

It still surprises me sometimes at how quickly moods can change.. mine in particular. It seems that I'm having a hormonal imbalance. One moment I'm ok, in a sense, the next moment I shift into a melancholic state. What's up with these sudden shifts? I can't control any of them. They just happen when they happen, and disappear just as fast - that is, when they do go away. This is becoming very stressful for me, much more so than school. It stresses me that I have no idea when the next shift will be, or how often it occurs, or for how long. I just know that it will happen. It's like riding a rollercoaster blindfolded. You can feel it pulling you up, and you know that you'll be going down sometime.. but you just can't hold your breath because you have no idea when the drop will be, nor what will happen after that.. a long ride, a short one, full of twists or very mild - you just can't tell.. happiness and sadness intertwined.. that's life. They're two sides of the same coin.. and sometimes.. sometimes I begin to think that I'd just rather not have the coin..