Outer Heaven

Empty Season

2007-12-27T00:43:00.000+08:00

At some point in my life I feel that I have changed so much. One staggering example is this holiday season. The yuletide season for me has been slowly losing its "magic" since about 4 years ago. Each year, I get less and less excited about it, and the feeling of a "lost Christmas" is so disconcerting at best. I've tried to find that feeling of the holidays. I've tried so hard, doing so many things, but most of them were just temporary. Last year I caroled with a choir, and for a while it seemed to wake up that holiday cheer in me. But afterwards, it was quickly lost. This year I had no such activity. And as Christmas drew nearer, I just grew more melancholic. When Christmas Eve came, and finally Christmas Day, there was no excitement. No twinkling in my eye, no song in my heart. It felt just like any other day. And I'm greatly saddened by this loss of spirit.

What do I do about this emptiness? I can't live an empty-feeling life forever. And it gets worse every year - especially during this happy season. Something is missing in my life... a plan, a purpose, a dream, something...

I don't know what it is.
But I need to find it soon.

Hedgehog's Dilemma

2007-07-23T01:20:00.000+08:00

The Hedgehog's Dilemma goes something like this:
In the cold of winter, hedgehogs huddle together to keep warm, but as they get closer to each other, then more they feel each other's quills.

We are just like those hedgehogs. The closer we get to one another, the greater the possibility of us hurting one another. I guess that's the risk of getting too close to a person. Let's face it, all of us have encountered such situations. How often have we been too afraid of getting hurt that we put up barriers around us to shield us from other people? Like the hedgehog, we worry about finding the right distance - too far and we feel no warmth, too close and we begin to hurt one another. And so we sacrifice some warmth in order not to get hurt, and we tolerate some pain in order to feel the warmth of others.

But there are those whose own body heat, so to speak, is high enough that they can live without another's warmth. There is no risk of getting hurt. But it too brings it's own sadness. That of loneliness. To forsake the warmth of others is to avoid the risk of pain, but to the cost of being alone. There are those people who have been too hurt, too much, that they decide it is better to be alone than to get hurt again. It seems strangely familiar. We all have these moments. Moments when we feel the world crashing down on us because we opened our core to someone, and they had shoved a sharp stick into it.

Sometimes, it's hard to find that balance. Sometimes, the pain, or fear of pain, is just too much. Sometimes, it's easier not to get too close. Even if it means being alone.

Sometimes.

Another bad day

2007-06-30T17:14:00.000+08:00

*warning to "avid" readers: not a happy post*

Sometimes, things just come out of nowhere and hits you right across your face. What's worse is if it was something unexpected. It kind of feels like choking on water. Some realizations really aren't easily realized without feeling bad about them.

And so that day would fall under being a bad day. Bad days become bad weeks, and then bad months... pretty soon, you end up having a bad life. A lousy one...

So here's to my sucky day (probably far from my last, as it would seem)

Daniel Powter
Bad Day

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to gray
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carryin' on

Because you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Will you need a blue sky holiday?
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day...

if what I've learned is true, or what I fear is real, then...
I don't know what to do...

Timing

2007-05-10T21:38:00.000+08:00

I got this from another person, who in turn got it from someone else. And I guess a lot of people do know this feeling and it's just so unfortunate that things go like this...

In your life, you'll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There's the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you're with... and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away? I guess it's that person, with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person; there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn't fall the right way, I suppose.

I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance.

How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you're not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn't matter who you're with, it just doesn't work. Small problems become big; inconsequential, become deal breakers simply because you're not ready and it shows. It's not that you and the person you're with are no good; it just that it's not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.

Then one day you're ready. You really are. And when this happens you'll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect. They might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it'll work because you're ready. It will work because it's the right time and you'll make it work. And it'll make sense, it really will.

So that day comes when you're finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, and you finally understand who you are and what you want. And you've become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there's no telling when this day will come. Hopefully you're single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids. It doesn't matter. All you know is that you've changed, and for some reason, the one that got away is the first person you think about.

You'll think about them because you'll wonder, "What if they were here today?" You'll wonder, "What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?" That's what the one that got away is, the biggest "What if?" you'll have in your life.

If you're married, you'll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you're mature enough to realize that you're already with the one you're with and this is just another test of your commitment. One which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you'll think about him/her every so often, but it's alright. It's never nice to live with a "might have been," but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who's already married. In which case it's the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you're old and gray and reminiscing.

But if neither of that is the case, then it's different. What do you do if it's not yet too late? Simple...find him, find her. Because the very existence of a "one that got away" means that you'll always wonder what if you got that one. Ask him out to coffee; ask her out to a movie, it doesn't matter if you've dropped in from out of nowhere. You'd be surprised, you just might be "the one that got away" as well for the person who is your "the one that got away."

You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won't make a difference. If the timing is finally right, it'll all just fall into place somehow and you know. I'm thinking, it would be a great feeling in the end, to be able to say to someone, "Hey you, you're the one that ALMOST got away.

Why does my timing suck?

Infinity

2007-05-07T20:11:00.000+08:00

What is infinity? While I was lost in the muddled-up mess that is my thoughts, an idea came to me. Infinity. Infinity as an idea. That all-elusive number that will always be one more than we can possibly count. It's that distance an inch more than we can travel. It's that time, a moment more than our lives. Infinity is an ideal. It is something we can never reach. Forever. But why do we have such an impassable number or distance? From my experiences, we have "infinity" because there are just some things that no matter how hard we try, how much we give, how long we wait... will always be just out of reach. As long as we can come up with something to get as closer to it, the more it resists and all the more further it moves away. It taunts us to try harder. It moves us to be stronger. It motivates us to aim higher. But as long as we have a goal, infinity will be just a bit more beyond it.

Some things in life are just infinitely out of reach. And the only thing that can go through infinity is our dreams - dreams that fade the moment we open our eyes.

Seeing infinity has opened my eyes to just how limited I am.

Perhaps it is time

2007-05-05T01:51:00.000+08:00

A time to say goodbye.

It's kind of hard, but these things are usually inevitable. Nothing is permanent anyway, and most things change in time, whether we want them to or not. And not all of the changes are good. Maybe this is the proper time. I've done all I can, and perhaps a bit more than required. But I couldn't just stop mid-flight and say, "I quit." We all draw a line at what's important to us, we never cross that line. We try our best so we won't regret. But why do I still feel regret at all of this? Have I not tried my best? God knows I held on far longer than people tell me I should. Maybe it's a sign of my weakness that I cannot hold on to my ideals, to what I value. But all things end.

Don't worry, things aren't so bad. Tomorrow will be much worse.

Just So You Know

2007-05-03T16:48:00.000+08:00

by Jesse McCartney

I shouldn't love you but I want you
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

Just so you know
This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around, I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
I just gotta say it all
Before I go
Just so you know

It's getting hard to be around you
There's so much I can't say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other way

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

This emptiness is killing me
And I'm wondering why I've waited so long
Looking back I realize
It was always there just never spoken
I'm waiting here...been waiting here

mahirap talaga...

When it is painfully obvious...

2007-04-22T14:22:00.000+08:00

Sometimes it's just easier to give up than to hold on to something. We just believe that holding on to an impossible thing will prove our determination or strength of will or character... that we don't give up easily. But when everything is stacked against you, is it still that easy? Does it still prove strength of character? There are times when holding on despite the odds can be called a noble cause, something to be emulated. We hold on to values in this manner, and it is a noble ideal not to succumb when things don't always go the way you want. But there are times too when there's no point. It just becomes stubbornness to keep fighting for something that clearly isn't going to work out.

Patience and determination are not infinite in a person. By the essence of change, we do not stay with the same ideals, the same hope, the same faith throughout our lives.

People change.

And sometimes, no matter how hard you try, no matter how often you fall and get back up, people will always let you down. And then you come to ask yourself:

Is it still worth it to hold on?

Heart of Mine

2007-04-12T17:20:00.000+08:00

I'm sitting in front of the television when all of a sudden a song comes up as I watched. I've heard the song over a dozen times before, and it never hit me quite like it did just now. And so I post the lyrics, because for the first time, they make sense to me... for the first time, the song has some significance in an uncanny way.

Heart of Mine

One day, you may find true love that will last forever and ever
'Till then you'll spend a lifetime wishing one together
You never thought she'd say goodbye
And you will never understand the reasons why

Heart of mine, how can you keep from dying
Stop reminiscing, who is she kissing
Heart of mine, oh what's the use in trying
No one can mend you now

Love plays cruel games
You can't believe she's found another lover
Does she miss me
Sometimes you just can't help but wonder
No you can't hold the hands of time
And you will always be the one she left behind

Practicality

2007-04-08T14:41:00.000+08:00

What's the deal with practicality?

The say that logic could come off as cold and efficient - emotionless and uncaring. Reason, it seems, can be carried out without much conscience. Is that what it means to be practical? To be efficient in everything? Cold in decisions and actions? I have always been proud that I'm quite logical, but that didn't mean I do not consider feelings as well. It hits me when people who used to do things one way suddenly shift their paradigm or way of doing things because they decided to be more practical. In effect, they may have become a little cold in the process. It really all comes down to priorities. If something isn't your priority, then its never going to be practical...

2007-03-16T01:30:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, you have to be cruel to be kind. That rings true today. Cruelty can be an act of kindness, because sometimes it takes some force to shake someone out of an illusion.

Life happens.

Sucks

2007-02-11T20:55:00.000+08:00

It's a fact of life. People leave. They disappear. And in the end, you're left all alone.

2am Reflection

2007-02-07T23:58:00.000+08:00

There are a lot of things that we have no control over, even though some of those things have the power to hurt us so deeply. And that's the risk we all take in dealing with them. And the sad thing is, we usually can't choose not to. It's a given, it's life. And sometimes, it sucks.

Pointless post

2007-01-22T00:02:00.000+08:00

What's the point of this post? Perhaps there's no point other than wanting to put something down on these dying pages of my blog. Much like everything else about life - dying. The moment we are born, we start to die. The beginning of everything also marks its end in time. That's how it goes, how the cookie crumbles, how the world turns. Everything ends. Eventually. Oh why did some things have to end sooner, I have no clue. But perhaps that is for the best. If it were gonna end anyway, what's the use prolonging it when doing so would only make the end seem more bitter and sad than it already is. If that's the fate of everything, why bother wishing for it to drag on. Ha, so much negativity that needs to be released. Well, not my fault. The workings of this world is a mystery to me. An ever greater mystery is the workings of a mind. Is there even such a thing as feelings? Isn't it all in the mind? It bothers me that I feel so much and I can't even retionalize with it. Why can't I make it stop? Why does certain things or actions bring out these things?

Sometimes I think: wouldn't it be nice to have no heart at all. Nothing to hurt, nothing to break. And maybe nothing of that dreadful thing called "love"...

Another song

2007-01-07T15:43:00.000+08:00

Another song I heard recently that really struck a chord. You know the feeling of hearing a song and thinking that it must have been made just for you because what it says is just too familiar? Well, this is one of those for me, and I bet for a lot of other people out there too.

What hurts the most - Rascal Flatts
(shortened version)

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then
and just let 'em out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again
I pretend I'm ok, but that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away
And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was trying to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you every where I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends
And I'm alone
Still harder
Gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret,
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away, all the words that I saved in my heart that I left unspoken

Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do

sigh day

2006-12-27T21:44:00.000+08:00

Life is Like a Boat
Rei Fu

Nobody knows who I really am
I never felt this empty before
And if I ever need someone to come along,
Who's gonna comfort me, and keep me strong?

We are all rowing the boat of fate
The waves keep on coming and we can't escape
But if we ever get lost on our way
The waves would guide you through another day

***
Nobody knows who I really am
Maybe they just don't give a damn
But if I ever need someone to come along
I know you would follow me, and keep me strong

***
And every time I see your face
The oceans heave up to my heart
You make me wanna strain at the oars, and soon
I can see the shore

Oh, I can see the shore
When will I see the shore?

I want you to know who I really am
I never thought I'd feel this way towards you
And if you ever need someone to come along,
I will follow you, and keep you strong

***
And every time I see your face
The ocean heaves up to my heart
You make me wanna strain at the oars, and soon
I can see the shore

think of me

2006-12-26T01:56:00.000+08:00

Think of me, think of me fondly,
when we've said goodbye.
Remember me once in a while --
please promise me you'll try.

When you find that,
once again, you long
to take your heart back
and be free --
if you ever find a moment,
spare a thought for me ...

***

Think of all the things
we've shared and seen -
don't think about the things
which might have been ...

Think of me,
think of me waking,
silent and resigned.

Imagine me,
trying too hard
to put you from my mind.

Recall those days,
look back on all those times,
think of the things we'll never do --
there will never be a day,
when I won't think of you ...

Day After Christmas

2006-12-26T01:32:00.000+08:00

Ok, so it's the day after Christmas. I survived another one. Somehow, Christmas gets a little bit harder to survive each year. It seems like every year, the Spirit just lessens more and more. And this year was a special one too, a much colder Christmas. Especially after everything I went through so close to the season. Sometimes just laughing all about it is the only way not to cry. If this was the season to be merry, then why am I not happy? Hey, maybe it's just because of who I am. That might be true. But there has got to be a deeper explanation for feeling hollow on special days like this.

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn't care how fast you fall
And you can't refuse the call
See, you got no say at all

Maybe this Christmas was what I needed. A time to feel so lonely so that maybe, just maybe, when the new year arrives. I'd be more grateful for the year that passed. It was a memorable year, that's true. But sad events can be memorable too, maybe more so than the happy ones...

2006-12-24T13:39:00.000+08:00

It's the day before Christmas.

Things should be looking up, right? Unfortunately, not really. Christmas for me has always been something different. It wasn't like this all the time, it used to be fun and happy. But every year, it just seems less and less magical. If ever there was something about Christmas that I enjoyed, it's singing with my friends in the choir. That's the closest I remember to the Christmas feeling I used to feel. But last night was our last performance night, and with it the feeling of cheer has gone. Now begins the Christmas that I usually have. Funny. Spreading the Christmas cheer to the people we sing for has been the only time I felt it at all. Funny indeed, and quite ironic.

I've only had one wish this Christmas, but it's not likely to happen. What a way to end December, what a way to end the year. When everything had to happen like this, losing a bestfriend and losing more than that. Last Christmas before I graduate. Another year past. I only have one wish this Christmas, and maybe it's just asking too much.

Merry Christmas. I wish you all the happiness in the world.

Christmas Blues

2006-12-20T22:55:00.000+08:00

I don't like this season. Every year during this time, an unsettling feeling washes over me. Every year without fail, I come face to face with a feeling of heaviness. Christmas is the one time during the year that it becomes painfully evident what my life has become.

Unlike any other season, Christmas is the one that's most ironic for me. A season of hope and joy, of giving and loving... yet my life is a staggering opposite. Especially now. This particular December is one I will always remember. Not because it is happy, but because this month has taught me a lot of lessons, some of which are breaking me apart to learn. I need to learn. It's tearing me inside.

Something light

2006-11-30T22:54:00.000+08:00

I realize I've been writing all very serious stuff lately. So here's a funny little conversation I had over YM. It's edited a bit to mae it shorter.

Me: ah ok
Me: goodluck sa launch
Person 1: thanks daph
Me: waaa, i'm not daph
Person 1: really?
Me: all along ba you thought i was daph?
Person 1: this whole time, it's written daph on my ym
Person 1: hehe sorry..
Person 1: mike?
Me: yup
Person 1: alam ko na what happend
Person 1: medyo same kasi kayo ni daph ng ym eh
Person 1: sorry mike
Me: that's okay
Me: dknai siya, ako dslasha
Person 1: hehe sorry talaga
Me: hehe, well at least that's all cleared up
Person 1: hehe kaya pala last time was wondering why it was her pic there
Me: so yung nakalagay sa ym niya name ko?
Person 1: yap yap hehe
Person 1: hehe sowee ah..

Choices and Paths

2006-11-25T01:08:00.000+08:00

A man once came upon the gates of heaven wherein the recording angel asked him, "show me your wounds." The man said he didn't have any, and the angel replied, "you mean to say you didn't believe in anything enough to fight for it?"

I have my own share of wounds, some recent some long past. And all of those wounds, I'd like to think, I got by fighting for what I believed, what I loved, what I dreamed, with every last inch of my will and every last breath until there was nothing left in me to give. And still I gave that little piece of me that scarred over. If today I were to meet the recording angel, I would have a lot to show.

But at the same time, there are a lot of things that I gave up because they were too difficult, too hard, too much effort not worth giving. I have a lot of those too. Sometimes the burden weighs like a mountain, and letting that go is so easy. But I have learned, more often than not, the harder it is, the more it's worth fighting for. For what can we gain of value from something so easily attained. The more effort you exert for something, the more precious it is for you. And quitting is accepting that you didn't deserve it in the first place. The true test of character is going on when everyone believes it's completely ok to give up. But there are rare times when letting go is the more valiant thing than stubbornly refusing to move on. The problem is, how can you tell when it's that time?

You can't.

You decide when the choice is in front of you, not before, not after. Maybe I'm jaded already, maybe I've given too much, maybe none of it matters after all. In life, we are all in a journey, our own journey. And as much as we'd like to travel with the same companions, we all walk different paths. Sometimes we end up in the same place, but more often than not, we reach a different destination. And sometimes, the roads we walk take a turn and move on opposite ways, sometimes never to cross paths again.

But looking back at the journey, isn't it better to say that at least for part of the way, you had a friend to walk with.

Pagsubok

2006-10-20T00:10:00.000+08:00

If there's one thing I really learned this sem, it's that trials and suffering are both intricate parts of life. Ang buhay ay hindi nawawalan ng pagsubok. Ngunit ang pagsubok ay hindi kapareho ng problema, sapagkat ang mga problema ay mayroong solusyon; and pagsubok wala. Ang tanging tugon sa bagsubok ay ang kilos ng kalooban tungo sa pag-asa. Ang pag-asang ito ay ang kilos ng kalooban na hindi makulong sa kadiliman ng pagsubok. Ang pag-asa ang nagsisilbing ilaw upan matanaw natin at maging bukas sa lahat ng uri ng pagsubok at kadiliman. Ang pagsubok ay kailanman di matatakasan...

Marami akong pinagdaanang pagsubok ngayong makalipas na ilang buwan. At tama nga, wala ngang lunas kundi ang maging bukas sa hinaharap at ang mga iba pang pagsubok na dala nito. Tanggap na lang ng tanggap. At sa bawat pagsubok, kung tama ang pagtanggap, tayo ay nadadala sa kaganapan ng ating katauhan. Kung mali...

Nandyan naman and temptasyon na hanapan ng lunas as mga pagsubok. Ngunit walang ganito. Ang pagiging optimismo ay ang pagiging sarado sa kalahatan ng buhay. Nakikita laman ang gustong makamit na kaganapan - isang makasariling pagkilos ng kalooban.

Another song for my soul...

2006-09-24T16:38:00.000+08:00

Over My Head(Cable Car) - The Fray

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

And everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

What a sad song... this is apt.

Leading away

2006-09-20T22:02:00.000+08:00

How does one move on? Is there an easy way to do so? Moving on and getting over stuff is one of the most important lessons in life. And life teaches these through experience. There's no lecture to be had, no practice, no mock-trial. When life wants you to learn something, it goes straight to the test and you better learn along the way. But these lessons are also the most painful and most difficult to learn, especially if you had to move on from a reality that is so familiar. Moving on is like throwning away everything and starting from scratch, and we learn this amidst the flash of tears. Moving on is saying goodbye, and I have never been too fond of goodbyes. A farewell to a reality that once had been real, but now only lingers in the deepest depths of the soul, in a dungeon of crushed dreams and hopes that have been given up on.

How does one get over it? That my friends is something I have not learned yet - not at this level. For how can one get over a part of one's life? Haaay, tama na.

Coldness

2006-09-07T23:44:00.000+08:00

A recent event got me thinking about something I have already thought of before, but now in a different light completely. I once had something to say about people drifting apart. The major reason for that is through the loss of contact and time. But that isn't the only reason. There is also a matter of people distancing themselves - growing cold.

People do this for different reasons, the most common being because of hostility. But that is not the reason that made me think. What made me think is when it happens not by choice but by chance. Why does it happen even when you don't even want it to happen, or it's the last thing in your mind that you'd want to do? My first thought was that it's the mind's way to deal with something traumatic, like anger, depression, awkwardness, shock, rejection, or something one is very unprepared for. Obviously I've had my fair share of this, mainly as the target of such coldness and distancing. And almost everytime it happened, I felt lost. I know all too well what it feels to be in the receiving end of such an event. The only real way to cope is to grow cold too..

This time though, I was the one who did it. I don't really know when it started, I didn't even know it was happening. It was just brought to my attention, which now leads me into writing this. Why? I didn't want to be cold to anyone. The only reasonable explanation I can manage to formulate is that I've been too distraught by recent events that I'm not my usual self. I'm much more contemplative and quiet now. Maybe even a bit jaded. I'm not really trying to distance myself, not consciously, but MAYBE it is happening. Maybe it stems from a bit of confusion too, confusion over what to do or how to act with regards to the recent events in my life. When one doesn't know what to do, the tendency is to do nothing.

I cannot explain it further than that, but if you think I've grown a little bit cold and distant, I'm sorry. It is not my intention to do so. I know how it feels like to be on the receiving end, and I'm trying not to do it. I will never leave you, I promise.

A chapter's end

2006-09-04T01:38:00.000+08:00

Thanks to Enzo for giving this to me a long time ago.

I stand in front of the sunrise today, filled with awe at the beauty that lies before me. I wish I could have at least an idea of what falls beyond the horizon, just as much as I wish the sea will open up to me and eat me whole. Yet the sea seems to bear a somewhat unexplainable message I couldn't decode. Something perhaps everybody knows about, something I should have known a long time ago just as much.

I stand here between the sun and the sea, both of which existed since time immemorial. I lay still, nursing my cup of coffee that turned cold, as cold as your heart has become and my pack of cigarettes, as stale as my love for you. The love you never knew existed.

The wind blew right into my face, sending shivers to my spine. It gently flew away my hair that covered the tears that I have unconsciously cried for you. I did not notice how strong the wind has become until I felt it leaving a dry saline line upon my face.

Suddenly, like a dream that has been haunting me in my sleep, I see a familiar event flash right in from of me. I could see myself alone in a room crying till there's no more tears left to cry, holding on to my pillow that has become my faithful companion in the advent of my trying to put you to oblivion. It has never been easy for me to have always fallen asleep with pillows still soaked with tears as I wake up. Yet, you don't have the faintest idea of these all, do you? You never knew.

So here I am, escaping from the bondage of you. I am a hundred miles away from the past that I am painstakingly trying to mend. This journey is for the part of me I wish to redeem, for no other reason but to put you all behind me. These will be the last tears I'll cry for you. It won't be easy, I know. But just as the sun that never fails to rise each waking moment of every day and the sea that forever links one landmass to the other, this decision wouldn't fail me. You will now be just a past worth smiling about as I think of how much I will be capable of loving another, in time. I did love you, you know. To the point of surrender. But then again, you never knew.

You were then my entire universe.
It's time you ought to know.

Moments

2006-09-03T15:51:00.000+08:00

Have you ever felt as if time just rushed by so fast that you didn't know what was happening? Or maybe time slowing to a meandering halt just as you really want it to breeze by? Our minds are not as in tune with time as the physical world is. Our thoughts are measured in moments. Eternity can be just a moment. And a moment can last for a long time. We often drift away in a dream that seems like a lifetime, and yet when we snap back into reality, only moments have passed. In the time it takes for a single second to pass, infinite moments are created. And moments create memories, not time. That's why sometimes just a few weeks of knowing someone wonderful can already seem like a lifetime spent with them. And the agony of getting over someone lost may seem too long for a lifetime to accomplish... in the infinite moment of a second, it is too long.

All too often we take moments for granted. Moments, like time, do not repeat themselves. Moments of realizations may hit us, moments of grief may render us stunned, and moments of happiness may seem like heaven. But these moments, once passed, can only be recalled in memory, and often just bits and pieces of it.

Moments. We take moments for granted. We long for them to return once they have passed, not noticing the moments we may already be missing at that moment.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

2006-09-01T00:54:00.000+08:00

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

-Robert Frost

Nothing lasts forever.. and hopefully so will the pain.

A few more months

2006-08-24T02:26:00.000+08:00

As of now, I'm still surviving. I've learned so many things already, all that's left is to wait.

I find myself drifting off every now and then, reminiscing about all of the things that have happened in my life. It's sad to realize that another chapter of life is about to end in a few more months. Now's not the time to get sentimental yet...

Sunday afternoon

2006-08-06T14:51:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes,
And I know, waiting is all you can do,
Sometimes...

I've been in a better mood than I am now. Right now nothing seems to make sense anymore. It's just like what a friend of mine said, the world has become tainted. All the colors are now dull; a veil of the septia hue has covered everything - tainted everything with a light that is reminiscent of a distant past. Like a forgotten memory; a faded picture locked away in a dusty attic, forgotten, lost, a shadow of the past. When does something start drifting from the "now" to the "then"? When does color fade from a picture?

We all have things we cherish in life. Some love power; some wealth; some family; some God. But there's one thing common to us all - how what we love affects us in our daily lives. The things we cherish becomes our center. Everything else revolves around it. It takes precedence in our decisions, in our actions, in how we think and do things. And when we lose that center, we're suddenly thrown off our balance. We lose our direction.. and we seek to fill that hollowness in. But it's not easy. How do you replace something that had been once the center of your very existence?

Nalalabuan na ako minsan. I recently came across a term - overcare. Meron palang ganon. And the difference between caring and caring too much is so fine that madaling mag step over the boundary. And I guess when that happens, it's bad. I've been taught na dapat everything in moderation. Although a plant needs sunlight and water, too much sun will dry up a plant and too much water will drown it. And I guess nakakasakal din when you care too much about someone.. Maybe that's why most people are afraid to care, ayaw nilang masakal yung person they care about, and so they try to put walls up.. to isolate themselves. But no matter how much they do, care has a habit of sneaking up on you, and before you know it, someone already has a hold of your life and you find yourself caring again..

Ang labo na nito. I've lost my train of thought.

Believing and Knowing

2006-07-19T22:33:00.000+08:00

There is a fundamental difference to the two. To believe is to feel that something is true, even though evidence points to another direction. To believe is to hold on to hope, to hold on to intangible things. To believe is to trust. Knowing something, on the other hand, is to go beyond believing. There is a certain sureness that can stand independent of opinion.

But what's the point of putting them side by side?

Yun nga, what's the point?

There's no point.

Comatose

2006-07-09T23:22:00.000+08:00

My poor blog is just about dying. Aww, not a lot of entries. Am I that busy? I don't think so.. maybe just a different set of priorities now. All the other blogs I go to get so much traffic; I don't even know who goes here anymore. If may dumadaan pa dito, magsabi naman kayo. For your sakes I'll try to update more often. If not, well.. not really a great loss - it's dying anyway.

Very nature

2006-07-01T19:32:00.000+08:00

I should be happy.. very happy. Although there are still a lot of unclear things, at the very least there are things I can be happy about.. so I should be happy.

But my very nature is working against me. Why must I be a pessimist and a worrywart? Why must my confidence be so damn low? I really can't help it, but this is eating me out.. and it's making me seem demanding...

But I should change. I have reason to change. For once in my life, there is a perfect reason to change.

I will have to change.

Same answers

2006-06-25T23:12:00.000+08:00

Bakit ba ganito? Tama nga ang sinabi ng isa kong kakilala, "at the end of the day, no matter how much or how hard you think, the answer will still be the same: ewan ko"

It's something I have to face. And it's not a very encouraging future..

Why were we even born with these useless organs.. appendices and hearts..

Final pages to a Chapter

2006-06-18T13:50:00.000+08:00

I don't really understand it anymore. Sobra na ang stress levels ko.

First day of classes na tomorrow, of my final year here in school. And thinking about it just drags me down. Change is never easy. I've been a student all my life, and kahit na then I've found it stressful when I'm about to graduate to another level in education; from gradeschool to highschool, highschool to college. And now, my biggest transition ever - college to life. I wonder how I'll adapt to that change.

When I look back, I've seen myself change too. Back in gradeschool, I had become quiet and reserved because of my "environment" And up until highschool, that was how people knew me. In the later years of highschool, I started to emerge from my shell, so to speak, but those were small steps. When I got into college, well, everything changed, and yet still somehow stayed the same. To be honest, I'm still very much reserved for the most part. And a lot of people I think can attest to that. But for those who knew me from before, I think they'd say that I've made a lot of progress "humanizing" myself. Thinking about what I've gone through, what I've done, what I'm doing now, I still can't quite believe it sometimes that it was me and not some other person. I've changed, and I never imagined all of these back when I was still in my early years in highschool.

I've met a lot of people along the way too. And from them I've learned a lot of lessons about myself and life in general. Every encounter I had, there was something to be grasped at.. even though some had been the toughest events I've had to face in my life. I've watched myself grow, and I've watched as the world I knew crumble before my eyes. I've rebuilt, only to have it fall again. And yet I've always managed to pick up the broken pieces and start over. I've lost so much in the process of learning; some dreams will never visit me again; some hopes will never be more than mere memories I can vaguely recall. I've learned in philosophy that when two entities meet, both are changed by each other. Something is gained, something is lost, something is altered, but one will never ever walk away unscathed.

And when I think about all these things I've gone through, and that very soon they'll all be just memories of a previous age of my life, I can't help but feel that I've lost something. A part of me. A fragment of my dream. A feather from wings.

Shucks, emo na nga, senti pa.

What I See

2006-06-11T23:49:00.000+08:00

Ok, I just realized it, but I'm a sucker for someone with a nice smile. It's a certain kind of smile, not the ordinary ones that look plastered on the face; not the plain ones that lack any decent emotion; not the seemingly unmeant ones. A smile is the first thing I usually see, I guess.

Next are the eyes. Not so much the color than that of the shape, though color is helpful. There's also a characteristic of the eyes that speaks of it's bearer's soul. Eyes are mysterious, I believe.

Then there's the jawline. Something about a beautifully structured jaw that frames the whole face well just strikes me as exquisite.

Complexion is sadly one of the things that attract me too, not so much the color but the tone. I like people who seem to "glow" in exuberance and vibrance.

And ofcourse, the overall alignment of these facial features. One can have all these, yet still be just "ordinary."

These are just the things I initially notice about a person. Character is another important aspect completely.

A few more regrets thrown in with the deadlines

2006-06-11T18:42:00.000+08:00

Just came home today from the Celadon formsem. It was okay. But it's back to reality now. I have a deadline, and it is fast approaching. What do I do?

---

Formsem stuff: I'm kind of bummed. Missed opportunities and that kind of thing. Haha. Lots of 'em. *sigh* Overnight is just too short to get to know people.

1:20am

2006-06-07T01:14:00.000+08:00

Truth be told.. pagod na ako. I've been tired for the past 3-4 weeks.. I can barely keep my eyes open, my head throbbes in pain, my vision is blurring, my body feels like lead.. and yet my day has just begun, just a few hours after the previous one ended.

I'm beginning to loathe the so-called "bunker mentality".. it limits what can be done and reduces efficiency. And it just shows how uncaring people can be.. I'm beginning to stop caring myself.. And what of panic? I'm way past panic. Despair? Done with that too. And when you get to the end of that long litany of possible emotions brought out by stress, what do you find? Indifference.

Malapit na.

"..But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly, because you tread on my dreams."
- Yeats

gone

2006-05-28T23:16:00.000+08:00

Everything is gone.

I lost them all.

It's so hard to start from scratch again. It's like building a castle from mud.

Stresssss

2006-05-19T21:28:00.000+08:00

Edited: too much detail on something so public, haha!

They say that a little bit of excitement makes life interesting. If that were the case, mine had been VERY interesting today - even bordering on traumatic.

Background:
I'm currently doing my practicum. Unfortunately, wala akong kilala na ibang trainee sa work ko, only my bosses and the other employees. Well, being the instigators that my bosses are(haha!), they always take advantage of every opportunity to tease me. Teasing, I can handle. There was a time though when medyo nasobrahan. A female trainee came by our part of the room and had our boss sign something. Siyempre, he didn't waste time in saying, "Ay, [girl's name], kilala mo na ba yung trainee namin? This is mike. Mike, this is [girl's name]." Boss naman, na awkward tuloy ako! Hehe, di prepared. I felt like a fish out of water. I should've known he'd pull off something like that..
Yun nga, I don't know any of the other trainees in my department...
And so every lunchtime, I usually eat with the bosses....

Today:
Well, today was quite stressful. There was a new employee that arrived just this week. Just this week and already she's joining in on the fun of teasing me dahil wala akong kilala. Mas grabe pa nga siya humirit eh..Hello? I don't know you that long for you to start doing that. I don't mind opening up to people, but there are limits. Pakonti-konti lang sana.

You know what she did? We have a monthly meeting and this month, our team is hosting it. Today she said, "Mike, ikaw na bahala sa presentation ng mga trainees. Meet mo sila and organize mo." AND THEN when dumaan yung isang trainee, she told her, "[girl's name]! Tulungan mo nga si Mike sa pag organize ng trainee presentation. Mag partner kayo and magmeet kayo to discuss. Wala pang kilala si Mike sa ibang trainees eh." And then when umalis yung trainee, ma'am turns to me with a smirk and says, "o, kailan yung libre?" Waaaaaa! What was that abouuut? I felt like a fish out of water before. Now I felt like I was thrown into a roaring fire!

Siyempre ginagawan na nila ako ng issue diba?! >_<

This is not me. I almost had a nervous breakdown. I am not a people person. Tapos she wants me to organize a meeting with people I don't know? And she even tosses me in a proverbial lion's cage with people I don't know kahit names man lang?

Sobrang stressful.

Point of Insanity

2006-05-06T23:02:00.000+08:00

I've been on this road before, and it's not the last time I'll be walking on it again.

Sometimes, it drives a mind insane when you have to think about something, or someone, so much. Thinking is good, don't get me wrong. But is there a method to the madness to think of the smallest things, the tiniest of details, for fear of missing a point? I know. I remember. There were days when I couldn't think of any other thing except for the few words that she had so casually uttered- so carelessly let fly. It's insanity. It's insanity to try dissecting every little bit of what she said in a message.. was the first letter capitalized? Was there a smiley face at the end? How many? Did it end in elipses? What was she saying before she said goodnight? Was it just 'gnyt'? Or 'nyt'? Or was it the whole word?...

Believe me, that's insanity right there. I've been through it. And I'm not betting that I won't go through it again.. I'd just lose. They say that being in-love and being insane are not at all different, when they register in the brain. And perhaps love does bring a certain insanity about. Isn't it insane when a person's entire happiness lies on the actions of another single person? Isn't it insane when you can hear voices in your head telling you things coming from your heart? Isn't it insane when you actually believe that your heart is breaking? Or when you believe that you can fly? Or that the whole world is shattering? Or that you can't think of anything else besides her? Or that, just being with her brings about a period of such mania that leads to a high? Or when you think something bad happened, the mania is suddenly replaced by a very long depression curable only by her? Isn't it insane to feel that without her, there's no point to life? Tell me.. isn't that insanity?

"It is, I think, that we are all so alone in what lies deepest in our souls, so unable to find the words, and perhaps the courage to speak with unlocked hearts, that we don't know at all that it is the same with others."

Two more stars in my night sky..

2006-04-29T00:26:00.000+08:00

Ok, I haven't really posted in a while. I'm not really in a "posting" mood, but something came up..

Actually, someone came up. Hehe.

This might seem a bit trivial, but who cares right? I have a new crush. And it started like this.. I was watching TV, running through the channels when I happen to stop upon this cute girl. So I hung around a bit and then I found out I was watching PBB Teen Edition pala. I was intrigued! So I stayed on, and lo and behold: dalawang sobrang maganda. The first one is yung una kong nakita - si Kim. Wow, as in WOW! Cute niya, and even her voice.. grabe, that made me smile. The 2nd one naman is Nina. Sobrang pretty, pero different yung appeal niya from Kim. No one was better than the other, magkaiba sila eh. *sigh*

But alas! They are people living in TV land - a land far, far away from the circles I dwell in. Yung mga nagugustuhan ko nga na nandito na't nakakausap ko, wala nang bright future for me, yan pa kayang mga yan na di ko man lang kilala, and definitely di ako kilala.. I'm sure after this, sobrang dami na nilang "fans" and people wanting to "befriend" them. Ako? It's useless to hope that you can touch the stars. Yun lang.

Twinkle, twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are..

You know who you(all) are :p

2006-04-07T00:59:00.000+08:00

I am sorry for what meaning you have given what I said. I didn't mean it by the way you interpreted it. You know what I mean.

*****

This is the reason why my self-esteem is sooo low. And still you ask kung bakit ang baba.. I'm not the only one dragging it down.

Is it all just make-believe?

2006-03-23T17:44:00.000+08:00

Illusions fade after a while. That's just how it goes. Some fade quickly while some linger on for a bit. But in the end, they're all still illusions waiting to shatter. Perhaps the most convincing of these illusions are the ones I make myself, to fool myself into thinking of something that has so little chance of ever becoming reality. Illusions ease the pain. It's like playing pretend. And it seems innocent enough at first..

And before you know it, your entire world revolves around an illusion - a star without any warmth. It seems to shine, but it's as cold as ice. And no amount of warmth will ever emanate from it. In the infinite cold, you realize that your star was nothing more than a simulacrum.

But we still hold on to these smoke and mirrors. We hold on because it gives us a chance to see, to feel, to have what we otherwise cannot. Though the reality of it is that it is nothing more than a trick of the mind we ourselves have created.

The human ego is so delicate. When an illusion shatters, there is a chance that the ego might shatter with it as well. A sort of awakening to the sad realities of life, the climax of a story told countless times. And the denouement is never easy to swallow - just like glass shards from a shattered dream.

2006-03-19T14:13:00.000+08:00

The number one driving force for living things is that of survival. Threats to existence is always met with resistance of the highest level. But threats need not be physical. There is also an aspect to threats of this level in other forms, spiritual, emotional, metaphysical; what we cannot explain, what we cannot quantify.

Distance will have to be established, ties will have to be trimmed, and I might just survive. I'm sorry. The culling needs to begin.

Seems Like My Song

2006-03-17T01:18:00.000+08:00

The Trouble with Love Is
Kelly Clarkson

Love can be a many splendid thing
Can't deny the joy it brings
A dozen roses
Diamond rings
Dreams for sale
And fairy tales
It’ll make you hear a symphony
And you just want the world to see
But like a drug that makes you blind
It’ll fool you every time

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger then your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn’t care how fast you fall
And you can’t refuse the call
See you’ve got no say at all

Now I was a once a fool it’s true
I played the game by all the rules
But now my world’s a deeper blue
I’m sadder but I’m wiser too
I swore I’d never love again
I swore my heart would never mend
Said love wasn’t worth the pain
But then I hear it call my name

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger then your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn’t care how fast you fall
And you can’t refuse the call
See you’ve got no say at all

Every time I turn around
I think I’ve got it all figured out
My heart keeps callin
And I keep on fallin
Over and over again
This set story always ends the same
Me standin in the pouring rain
It seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger than your pride
It's in your heart it's in your soul
(It doesn’t care how fast you fall) You're losing all control
(And you can’t refuse the call)
See you’ve got no say at all
The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie..

A Conversation

2006-03-11T00:31:00.000+08:00

Something made me look back to some key events that happened a while back; events that had a big part in who I am right now. Yet despite their importance to me, not much have been preserved in terms of sharp memories. All that's really left is a tableau frozen in my mind, clippings of what I felt during the time - just mere ideas of feelings. And I feel somewhat silly because of those. Perhaps this is how people mature. What I had considered overshadowing my life then is now a mere wisp of a specter compared to the shadows that loom over my existence today. Times do change.. and in a way, so do people. There is an essence that remains that clearly defines who they are, but everything is subject to the whims of time.

I wonder, in the near future, what else would change. When I eventually look back to this exact time, what would I say to myself? Perhaps I'll just be laughing at myself for how much I let myself get carried away. But perhaps too I'll be seeing how much I have changed since.

Deep-rooted problems

2006-02-25T12:10:00.000+08:00

There is much to be said about politics. It seems that it's all I hear about these past few days, and I'm getting quite sick of it. There's another event that the media is making a circus out of. And pretty much a huge part of the populace is ignorant of the factors. I for one can't say that I know very much. But that's the problem, isn't it? People know so little and yet take to the streets for something that they think they believe in. Sure, they have their resolve, but rebellion isn't always the answer (but in some cases, there is no choice). They growl at the slightest movement and see the tiniest wrong, but in the process are blind to their own shortcomings. And many people exploit all of this. In the news yesterday it was asked so many times what "state of emergency" is. And sure enough answers came. But can they not understand? They still kept on asking. I mean it's already been said that there are no special powers granted other than economic options, and even then, it's not a guarantee that it will be used. I don't see it as a problem. It just means that there is emergency. It's like having a fire and saying there is a fire loose. And then triggering the fire alarm. In much the same sense, declaring an emergency is pretty much what comes next when there is an emergency.

Unfortunately, that's where the vagueness begins. What exactly is the emergency?

To make things short, what is happening is happening because of bull-headed people who wouldn't see reason. On the one hand there are the anti-government. They see everything as wrong and frankly, I doubt they'll ever see otherwise. All they do is criticize and take to the streets. If only they worked to help and not complain all the time. On the other hand is the government side. They're not saints either. They have done a lot of things wrong, and they are often undecided of their actions. And some of the people that's suppose to care about the country put that concern in the back seat to serve their own personal growth. There is still corruption, yes.

Those are the two "hands", but in-between there is still a lot of space. That's where most people are: people who want something done, but not in an extreme way; people who get crushed in-between whenever the two fists collide; people who are actually doing something, even if it's just a little, in their own way, to help rebuild a nation.

But politics is so deeply ingrained in us. Just look around, everything is political in nature. You don't even need to look far. Even in this level, there are people who are trying to manipulate the system to achieve their own ideals. These people are blind to what will benefit the majority and only work for their own selfish goals. There is selfishness in everyone, and there is also something more noble. And it is a choice which one will govern one's life.

Leaders cannot be selfish. You for one should know this. What you think is right might be tainted by your own personal goals, and not by the common ones.

Shaded clouds and swirly skies

2006-02-18T13:44:00.000+08:00

Okay, it's been a while since I last updated. And it's not because nothing has been happening. A lot, in fact, has happened. But for one reason or another, I can't put them here. Anyway,I'll try to put something sensible here to keep it going.

My whole life sometimes seem like one big blurry image with a few scattered points of sharp focus, like islands in a sea of blue. And the blurriness itself constantly shifts, moving from one point of density to the next, like fog swirling with the breeze. As such, there is no clear picture of my life.

There are times when I'd wish things were clearer, without any vagueness, confusion, nor uncertainty. Where everything is as clear as day and all the options laid out before me, extending towards the distant horizon. But things aren't like that. There are no easy decisions, and there isn't a clear horizon. Sometimes I feel as if I'm just feeling my way in the darkness. And besides having to contend with my inner demons, there is still that volatile factor of external existence - other people.

I can't understand some people. Well, most of them really. For me, I'd like things simple. But there are people who thrive in complications. Why do they say one thing when their actions mean another? It's totally inconsistent. Is it enough to speak? It's easy to be consistent if you're being truthful, right? Because what people say and what people do, if they come from the same place, should be the same. But why do some people put on a facade? Why do they have to put on masks?

My questions delve deeper than simply asking about "seeming" people. This is not merely a question; it's a challenge. When you hide yourself, what are you really trying to hide?

Another disappointment

2006-02-12T22:33:00.000+08:00

Somewhat a long time coming.. occassional friendships. I've heard this discussed during one of our many lectures in theo class under Fr. Dacanay. Basically, he said that some friendships are just temporary, or "on occassion." Like when you share the same class, the same horrible teacher, the same schedule, anything that can be common. The bond that results only lasts for as long as the common thing exists. In the case of an event, once it's over, well, it's all over. I guess its like that of people. People try to find a group to belong to, even a group of two. Just to belong to something. I'm not saying I'm not guilty of such a thing - I am, sometimes. And I'm not proud of it. And when that happens, people get used. Just depends on the level of "usage" or that of the need to belong. I feel like I'm on the short end of the stick most of the time though. I'm finding out that I need people more than they need me.

I don't like this notion of occassional friendships. It makes it sound as if a friendship is just merely a commodity to be used and discarded, like a disposable comfort blanket. But then I also wonder why some people treat friendships so haphazardly. It is that common to them that they treat it as if it were nothing? Some don't even mean to do what they do. Friends are so easy to find, yet are very hard to keep. And good friends are rarer still.

I can't understand why all of this happen. Will somebody please explain it to me?

***

The nicest and kindest ones are the people who can inflict the most cruel of wounds.

Just a thought

2006-02-12T16:40:00.000+08:00

Why do we fall in love? And despite getting hurt, why do we do so still? I don't understand how people keep giving out their hearts knowing full well that its gonna get torn to shreds, and yet still HOPE that its not gonna happen. Why is that? Why go through something that 99 out of 100 times will end in failure and misery? Is it because of that one-in-a-hundred chance? I don't see the point of it. But the unfortunate thing about it, we don't really have a choice, do we? Yes, loving is a choice. But falling in love isn't a choice. Sure its not even considered genuine love, but you can't take out of the equation the fact that it still feels pretty damn painful when it blows up in your face. When reality sets in that you're the only one who feels that way; when the chemicals that trigger the feeling finally dissipate. I've gone through enough of those to know how painful they can get. It's like your whole heart is being drawn through a vise, or getting pierced by a thousand needles, or ripped savagely apart. That's the trouble with pain brought out by the mind. Since it's not physical, you don't die from it, but you do feel like dying. And you can "die" many times over.

So far, I've had only a handful of serious crushes. That's what I call them because calling them anything else doesn't feel right. They may be more than simply that though, but I have no basis to say. But that handful became so because I had done something. What about the countless times I didn't act? What about the instances when I just kept it all to myself, and never told a soul; locked in my mind where no one can get through. The serious ones I had spoken to friends about. But these countless ones only I knew, so what about them? Well, they'll be an endless source of torture, when I think about the possibilities and realize the fact that dreams are just dreams and only be dreams.

I never liked Valentine's season.

Fear of Fire

2006-02-01T20:54:00.000+08:00

I felt afraid. I felt afraid that I'd be seen. Not that I'm hiding, far from it.. I just didn't want to be seen. I've begun to dread the thought of an encounter. What would I say? What would happen? Perhaps I've had too many bad experiences already that I can't stand the thought of another one. Get burned too often and the thought of fire rekindles the pain of the burn.

I didn't realize until now just how much I had been affected. I kept thinking that if there were no encounters, then there would be no chance of it happening like it did many times before. No goodbyes, no awkward silences, no searching for words to say. And no more hurt.

It's funny how I'd reacted. I never imagined that I would in that way. Is this what everyone felt? Am I running away from the inevitable, or just making myself used to it slowly, or even hoping I'd forget. But I can't forget. The stories that I'd hear, the questions asked upon me, the queries to life - all of them, reminders of how much one can feel, and how much one can endure before breaking into pieces.

A part of me died then, the part that had hoped, once. They say hope can never be extinguished, and I can see that the smaller it gets, the more fiercely it burns. But it can waver, it can falter, and it can be smothered. It will continue to glow, yes. But until it has a fuel to feed it, to nurture it, it will never be the blazing fire that it is destined to be.

Too many glowing embers lay scattered on the ground, that the heat is not enough to smite the cold, mocking wind.

Songs of memory

2006-01-27T00:01:00.000+08:00

For some strange reason, I keep remembering this song:

Halaga
Parokya ni Edgar

Umiiyak ka na naman, langya talaga wala ka bang ibang alam; namumugtong mga mata, kailan pa ba kaya ikaw mag sasawa.. sa pag tiyaga mo dyan sa bf mong tanga na wala nang ginawa kundi ang paluhain ka..

Sa libu-libung pagkakataon na tayo'y magkasama, iilang ulit pa lang kitang nakitang masaya naiinis akong isipin na ginaganyan ka niya. Siguro ay hindi niya lang alam ang
iyong tunay na halaga......

Minsan hindi ko maintindihan, parang ang buhay natin ay napagtitripan. Medyo malabo yata ang mundo.. binabasura ng iba ang siyang pinapangarap ko..

There's something about the sentiment of the song that resonates with my soul. I'm not saying that there's a real-life counterpart to it that I know. It's just that.. anyway, music and songs have a unique way of transporting us to places we've been to, feelings we've felt, experiences we've encountered, even if all those happened lifetimes ago. There's something in music, maybe the wavelength or wave patterns, that match harmoniously with those of certain memories. The result - we are instantly transported to that time, that place, that event. And it doesn't help that some songs are so frustratingly easy to get LSS at..

For me, I've got quite a collection of songs that hold particular meaning. Not in the sense that I can tell what they are when asked, but more of the type that triggers memories. Unfortunately, a large amount are not very fond memories.. but I do like to listen to those songs now and then, even if it's just to re-live the brief happiness before the day turned into night and the darkness swallowed my hopes. And in that one moment when I remember being happy before happiness was torn out from under me, I feel alive again. That I'm still here now stands as testiment to how I had survived those ordeals. They won't be forgotten, not as long as music plays in my heart and mind.

We are only people, you and I. But we are also human.

A thousand grains of sand.. or a rock

2006-01-26T00:15:00.000+08:00

I feel like things are slipping by me. It's frightening when that sort of thing happens. It's like I don't have enough time to do everything that I need to do. Why is that? Do I try to do too much? I try to keep control whenever I can, but some things are out of my hands. Like now. I can't even tell what's wrong - I just feel that something is. You see, when things go wrong, there's no earth-shattering explosion, no heavenly sign, nor fireballs raining to the ground.. none of those that mark impending doom. Everything is as it were, except that something is amiss. What goes wrong are the small things. And they have a tendency to add up. They creep up on you and accumulate. And then in a mass of trouble, they collapse. And you start feeling that chaotic feeling, that everything is spiraling out of normality. That chaos theory really does exist, and you're gonna find out first-hand what it can do.

In the end, it's not the big things that I'm truly afraid of. Sure, they can prove to be troubling too. But the small things are the ones you don't expect. A feeling of mistrust here, a tiny gossip there, a minor let-down, a promise broken, a lack of time, a forgotten hello - these are small things that are often overlooked, or that lacking in significance. What's one little thing I didn't do? I'll do it some other time. And then it piles up..

It's the big things that we consciously remember; but it's the small things that we unconsciously take into ourselves.

Matters of Logic

2006-01-19T22:52:00.000+08:00

There's a reason why the brain is placed higher than the heart. It's because if the heart reigned over a person, there would be no end to troubles. But sometimes the pounding can make deaf the ears to the reasoning of the brain. And even though the thinking brain is set higher than the primitive one, there are times when the latter exerts its dominance by seniority over the former. And what do you do then? Things aren't simple.

Things are never simple.
This is just a phase.. hay nako!

2006-01-16T21:24:00.000+08:00

My turn..

Leave a comment here and...
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal.

Balance by a Thread

2006-01-15T21:56:00.000+08:00

I must admit, life does get complicated with or without any effort. A lot of things seem to "just happen" every now and then. Although I do know that nothing ever "just happens", but they definitely seem to. And then what do you do when they do? Me? I'd like to control the situation as much as possible. I don't feel comfortable when things snowball downhill. But not all situations require manipulation.. some can just be left to happen. But there are a few important ones. That's that for now.

I just saw Narnia yesterday. Frankly, I had expected it to be better. It just seemed.. rushed. I don't know. But it had been a good day. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough of an escape. It would be wonderful to have a closet like that of my own. So I can just escape to my own little world whenever I feel like it and get lost in my dreams. If I ever have time to think about everything I'm trying to avoid thinking of, I'm going to go insane. Too many things to worry about, too many questions of why, to many mysteries to solve, too many things to sort out, too many of everything. Hmm, I'm being vague again. I can't help it. The moment I speak clearly of my situation, that will be the time when I have nothing left to worry about.. or I don't care enough to worry anymore.

2006

2006-01-01T02:43:00.000+08:00

What can I say? Another year has passed. And as each year passes by, I sometimes wonder whether the things that happened were meant to happen. Surely not everything.. but then again, there's no way of telling.

As I watched the fireworks go off in my own corner of the sky, I couldn't help but feel.. heavy inside. Not from burdens or problems, but from sheer emotions. It seems like everything from the past year came flooding back to me as each rocket died in a spectacular display of light. Each flash, each sparkle, each note in the staccatto of sound brought back a deluge from the past. And as moments ticked away, emotions piled up. And then, as the clock struck 12, the heaviness vanished. Although the feelings and memories were still there, they already seemed part of the unchangeable past. And there's nothing that can be done.

In the early hours of 2006, a few more thoughts come to mind. I've learned of some things that are quite difficult to take right now.. But I guess I'll cope, as I always have.

Remembrance

2005-12-26T14:28:00.000+08:00

It's the day after Christmas and it's once again time for remembrance. I know that there were a lot of people that I wasn't able to greet. Some, I didn't know how to contact, some I've already forgotten. And so this post goes out to everyone I wasn't able to greet. They may not be able to read this, but I want to give out my greeting anyway, and wish them a very merry christmas. This is already my 21st Christmas, and in that span of 21 years, I have come to know a great many people. And I find it sad when I go through my mind trying to remember a name that I should know and come up empty. I never meant to forget. To forget people is like forgetting a part of yourself. These people, no matter how long or how short I've known them, have left their mark on me, one way or the other. And I wouldn't be the person that I am without them.

Another reason for remembrance is that last year, on this very day, a great many lives were lost. And for this christmas, it's the first one their surviving family members will spend without them. I want to remember this event, not for the sake of knowing that it happened, but for the people themselves, that they may not be forgotten, and in silent reverence for all the lost future each of them once held.

I promise I won't forget.

Building Bridges

2005-12-25T21:45:00.000+08:00

Building bridges is hard work, and not something easily done. There is a measure of perseverance and determination in building one. First, would be the anchor, or the base of the structure on both ends. They have to be built on solid ground. These structures will be the key foundation of a bridge. If built on loose ground, the bridge will not be able to handle the stress on the structure when the connecting arms are extended. This goes without saying that it has to be strong on both sides.

The easiest way to continue from there is to build each side and meet somewhere in the middle. That way, one side doesn't over-extend and topple over in the process. For short bridges, meeting in the middle is usually the end of it. Once secured in place, the bridge is done. For longer ones, additional supports must be established first. In addition, suspension bridges would need very strong cables to bear all the weight.

In addition to the actual building, the materials would have to be the right ones. Brick and mortar are good for short ones, but using it on suspension bridges would be quite disastrous. Finally, there's the deal with maintaining it. Stone bridges need constant reinforcement with concrete when the stones erode. For wood, brittle or weathered planks would have to be replaced every now and then. For steel bridges, nuts and bolts would need checking for hairline cracks and for metal-twisting.

Building bridges is hardwork, but the benefits of a good bridge more than makes up for it. A bridge connects. And building bridges isn't such a wasteful endeavor.

It isn't much different for people, you know..

Early Resolution

2005-12-23T23:19:00.000+08:00

It dawned on me that a lot of things need fixing. First and foremost is my perception of things. Why am I so pessimistic? No matter how crappy my own little world gets, it will still be my own crappy little world. I'm the only one that has to live in it. So I have to make changes that will reduce its crappiness a bit, for my own sake. For one thing, I easily let outside factors govern my mood.. that shouldn't be, right? I mean I can't really control how I'll feel about events right then and there, but I can reduce their effects on me, I think. Yeah, I think that's possible. It will be hard, I know. It's all too easy to slip back to old habits that have become comfort zones. Change isn't always easy, but I have to want to change in order to keep up the effort. For now I'll just start out small. Hmm, here we go:

I shouldn't set my expectations too high.
Let's face it, to rely on others for happiness and comfort is to rely on air for support. Time and again, people will let you down. I'm not saying that I shouldn't trust anyone, just that I should rely on myself more. At the end of the day, when you close your eyes and feelings of regret fill you inside, you alone would have to deal with it. There won't be anyone there helping you out.

I have to find my identity.
It's easy to lose myself in others. And sometimes it just goes overboard. I have this attachment "problem" wherein it's easy for me to attach myself to others. That's why I'm so sensitive to feeling "the drift." Because the slightest shift in the current tears me away from who I thought I was. My identity is so strongly tied to others that when those people are somehow "missing" or "absent," I don't know who I am anymore.

I am not worth nothing.
This has got to be the source of all my negativity. I just find it difficult to see myself as amounting to something. Logically, I am a person with infinite potential, and therefore, infinite worth (just like everyone else). But emotionally, I don't feel that "expensive." Maybe it started long, long ago. But what I do know is that I always find it convenient to use that reason whenever other people "neglect" my worth - maybe not on purpose. So, it just affirms itself with every instance. I know I have to get out of that loop.

There, just three for now, but they are by no means easy. It will take time, but the change has to happen. If it doesn't.. I don't even want to think about it anymore. I have to do this for myself. Just three things for now. The rest will follow.

Goodluck! I can do this!

The day the sky fell

2005-12-08T21:55:00.000+08:00

The sky fell on me, and it fell down hard. There were no birds chirping, no clouds gliding by, no gentle breeze blowing steadily.. just the heavy sky and the infinite blue, crashing down on me.

It feels so heavy...

On my own..

2005-11-28T14:38:00.000+08:00

from Les Miserables

And now I'm all alone again.
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to.
Without a home, without a friend,
Without a face to say hello to.
And now the night is near
I can make believe [she's] here.

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping.
I think of [her] and I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping.
The city goes to bed,
And I can live inside my head.

On my own,
Pretending [she's] beside me.
All alone,
I walk with [her] till morning.
Without [her],
I feel [her] arms around me.
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And [she] has found me.

In the rain,
The pavement shines like silver.
All the lights
Are misty in the river.
In the darkness,
The trees are full of starlight.
And all I see is [her] and me forever.
And forever.

And I know it's only in my mind,
That I'm talking to myself and not to [her].
And although I know that [she] is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us.

I love [her].
But when the night is over,
[She] is gone,
The river's just a river.
Without [her],
The world around me changes;
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers.

I love [her],
But every day I'm learning:
All my life
I've only been pretending.
Without me
[Her] world would go on turning,
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known.

I love [her],
But only on my own...

Bahala na

2005-11-26T12:00:00.000+08:00

I've often thought of what I could've done different in life. Could I have done this or that; have I been fair or cruel; was I truthful, did I do my best. These questions often haunt me especially when faced with challenges. Would I be in this position had I done what I did, or didn't do?

That was something I had written a few days ago. Much has changed since just last sem. And some things will never be the same again. The topics in philo and theo are also coalescing into something big, something I think is significant. Faced with something I can only describe as harsh, in a sense, is quite disarming. I had never thought of it that way. I'm being vague now because everything else is vague too. The talks about conscience, fate, historicity, love, the mind, all of them are difficult to grasp all at once. But something is happening, that much I can say. My theo teacher, Dacanay, may be considered a "terror" professor because of his style, but there's no arguing how good he is at getting at the point.

Going back to what I had written, some thoughts had entered my mind. I had written them down here and there, but no clear, whole idea was formed...
When people say "bahala na" when faced with a decision or a path, what does that imply? At first I thought that it meant just accepting whatever will happen. It is. But there's also more to it. It also means resigning responsibility for the future, trying to forgo a decision. In a way, "bahala na" means a lack of interest or commitment. Its as if you don't care what will happen. It's an easy way out that I myself often take. Leaving it all to Fate, passing on the blame, so that we don't have to take responsibility. Bahala na. I've heard that so many times, and I wonder if people knew what it really implied. Or were they, as me, ignorant of what two simple words really spoke of.

Eternity

2005-11-22T09:39:00.000+08:00

Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity.
And so we ask ourselves,
will our actions echo across the centuries?
Will strangers hear our names long after we're gone...
and wonder who we were...
how bravely we fought...
how fiercely we loved?

I like that quote from the opening of Troy. It sounds so.. true. There are so many instances where we must make choices that would echo for a very long time. Maybe not a lifetime, but still very long - in relation to how short our lives are.

If they ever tell my story,
let them say I walked with giants.
Men rise and fall like the winter wheat, but these names will never die.
Let them say I lived in the time of Hector, tamer of horses.
Let them say I lived in the time of Achilles.

Sea Foam

2005-11-13T21:57:00.000+08:00

When I'm beside you, do you see me? When I speak, do you hear me? There are times when I find myself fading from this world when I fade from your memory. Only I see myself, only I hear myself, only I feel myself. And if no other can say the same thing for me, then surely I am known only to myself. An apparition seen only through the corner of the eye. A ghost wandering aimlessly looking for salvation, for purpose. As ethereal as a soul, as fleeting as a thought, as infinitesimal as a dot. Who am I without you?

I am nothing more than your imagination. Stop imagining, and I cease to be who I am. I disappear.

The Gauntlet

2005-11-12T14:13:00.000+08:00

Registration was horrible. I got a really bad sched as well. I had to get re-advised twice because the class I was supposed to get was full. I have a 7-hour break during Tuesdays and Thursdays. I start off at 7:30am and end at 9:00pm on Tuesdays and 6:00pm on Thursdays. To add to the bad time, I managed to get Dacanay for my Theo.. whoopie-doo!! And here I was promising myself that this sem would be THE sem that I get a 4.0

I'll look at it in a different light.. maybe it's a challenge. If I really am resolved into getting that 4.0, then this shall be a challenge. This will be the gauntlet that I must pass through. This will make or break me.. gah! Maybe that's a bit too much drama. Come what may, I think I'm ready.

Stars and Candles

2005-11-10T22:26:00.000+08:00

There are people in life who are like stars: bright, brilliant, a shining beacon to a lot of people, guiding lost souls over the vast, dark oceans at night, and.. distant. Distant stars that can never be reached. Stars admired by many, yet alone in the vast, cold sky. Such stars give inspiration in dreams, been wished upon, and cried upon. A countless multitude bearing the wishes, dreams, problems, and pains of an ocean of people..

Then there are people who are like candles. They bring light and warmth and a soft glow in the dark. Unlike stars, candles give off less brilliance, yet stars are so far away that candles radiate light much more brightly. But candles are fleeting things. They burn out after some time. And they are also easy to put out; a strong gust and they lose the fire. So candles must be sheltered..

Two different types of people. One distant yet constant, another close yet evanescent. They both share a quality that is illumination, but are so different in nature. And one cannot help but need both in life. The absence of stars would darken the sky and diminish it's beauty, and the absence of candles would darken the world and extinguish the warmth of fire.

Two types of people.. which one are you? Which one am I to you? A bit of both perhaps. For we are all the stuff of stars, yet burn for a short while in life. And oftentimes, we leave an after-image in the eyes of others, an image that comes when they close their eyes, but soon fade..

Just a Dream

2005-11-06T22:31:00.000+08:00

Last night I had this really vivid dream. I dreamt that I had just bought a new car, complete with fancy gadgets and a classy interior. It was a sportscar, I think. But the best part was that I could drive it.. I actually knew how to drive!! The dream was so normal, besides the car being soo expensive, that I really thought it was real. And when I woke up this morning, it took me a minute to realize that it was a dream, I had no car, and I didn't know how to drive. Talk about rude awakenings and in-your-face realizations.. I did believe the dream to be true, and that waking up was just another day of it. It sucks...

Under the weather

2005-11-02T23:27:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling a bit under the weather again, and with it everything else. Lately I've had nothing to do. That's very bad. It makes me extra aware how sucky everything can be. Most of the things I've once enjoyed doing barely makes me smile.. just feels like I've lost something.. a lot of things, lately. Maybe they're just small things I notice here and there, but when they add up, it feels pretty big, like the world's collapsing and I'm getting smothered by all the weight of it. Funny though, what I'm saying all sounds familiar. I've said it before, I think.

Life just seems too short doing nothing. I spend my days sitting in front of the TV playing the same game, watching the same movie.. it's so monotonous. There's no method to the madness anymore. Life bites. I feel really burned out for doing nothing. Like what I wrote before, lamps without oil, burning myself out.

And everyone else? Nobody here.. It sucks to feel alone when you are alone..

2005-11-01T23:47:00.000+08:00

I don't like some of the things that are happening, but what can I do?

Popping the EK balloon.

2005-10-27T23:22:00.000+08:00

Why do the bad things always seem to happen to me? Did I do something really bad?? When will fate stop poking fun at me and leave me be??? Sembreak is much more disorienting than any hellweek I've encountered. It is sooo stressful.

I went to EK just this Monday and when my friends and I got there, IT WAS CLOSED! HAH! That was suppose to be the center of our 3-day outing, and IT WAS CLOSED! Murphy's Law anyone?

Had this funny conversation with a friend:
Me: All my relatives are in some other country. Christmas won't be as happy anymore.
Don: Bakit naman?
Me: Eh pano, less gifts na.
Don: Ah, so yon lang pala habol mo?
Me: Hindi, I meant di ko na sila mabibigyan ng gifts kasi wala na sila :D It's better to give than to receive diba?
Don: Sabi mo yan ha, maghihintay ako ng gift galeng sa iyo sa pasko!
Me: Pero diba sabi mo rin it's the thought that counts? Kaw nagsabi nun sa car. So kendi na lang ok na.
Don: Haha, naisahan ako doon ah..

disclaimer: That's what I recall of the conversation over dinner. I'm not saying it's accurate down to the words, but that's pretty much the gist of it.

Anyway, if may magpupunta EK, please tell me.. sama ako!! And sama ko rin yung iba kong friends whom I promised a trip to EK too. I owe them that after the big letdown.

Missing people

2005-10-21T00:40:00.000+08:00

Some things are driving me crazy. The boredom!! Gahhh!!

Anyway, things are "ok" I guess. Right now I'm trying out something.. it doesn't seem to be working though. Nevermind. *sigh*

Do you know that feeling of wanting to see or talk to someone, but somehow you can't? It's easy to say you miss the person, but missing someone isn't as simple as missing them and not missing them. There are multiple levels to it. There's the shallow level of, "oh, I wonder how he/she is doing.." Then there's the type where you really would like to see the person. And some extremes wherein the whole world seems to disappear from under your feet, inch by inch, as minutes and hours and days go by without seeing the person. And between those examples, an infinite number of ways of missing someone. *sigh* I just can't put words as to what level I'm in, but I'm guessing it's deep enough to drown in if it continues...

Too much time in my hands

2005-10-16T16:56:00.000+08:00

There is an essay written by Marcel that we took up in philosophy recently, and one memorable passage there goes something like this:

..a human life has always its centre outside itself; though it can be centered, certainly, on a very wide and diverse range of outside interests. It may be centered on a loved one, and with the disappearance of the loved one be reduced to a sad caricature of itself... And this is not a matter so much of some final purpose to which a life may be directed as of the mental fuel that keeps a life alight from day to day. For there are, as we know only too well, desperate creatures wo waste away, consuming themselves like lamps without oil.

Never has such words been used to define a certain feeling that I sometimes get - like a lamp without oil consuming itself. It really just hit me.

There is also a conversation in a game I'm playing that sort of made a lot of sense. It says that the reason we humans sometimes act selfish and greedy is because we are only here for a short time. The immortal races(in the game) all lack the sense of passion because for them time is of no consequence. And that explains how passionate we can sometimes be on some trivial things. We're "like babies, trying to grasp at everything before our time is up." Passion makes us do rash things, deciding on a whim without seeming to think about it. Trying to leave a part of us behind that would be remembered when we pass away. Such transcient beings we are..

Sigh. It seems that I have so much time in my hands again, more that what I can think of to do with. It seems that I'm burning without oil again. I have so much idle time that.. the things I usually think about every now and then before, I can't help but think of much more often now. I agree with what I heard before, the key to a happier life is lowered expectations. Why do people dream? Dreams are just that after all - dreams. Sometimes I'm tired of dreaming about the future, the future I want. It all seems so improbable now.

Gah! Enough of that already. Please, somebody save me from this boredom! I want to do something, go somewhere, meet someone, anything.. just save me from wasting away doing nothing, feeling useless, feeling forgotten.

Life101

2005-10-09T00:05:00.000+08:00

There's not much to say right now despite the fact that there's a lot of things going on in my mind. There's always a lot of things going on in my mind. I can't really help it.

I just finished watching 50 First Dates again for the nth time, and I could go on watching it still. It really is such a nice movie, but those things never happen in real life. Sure there may be instances of that mental disability, but the story itself is so improbable. It would be nice though..

It seems to me that life is testing me everyday. And everyday I keep failing. Where are the books? Where are the handouts? The readings? The notes? The tests are so subjective that there are no sure answers. But why do I still feel that I'm failing? It's like everyday, I'm unprepared for the test. They say you learn from experience, and experience usually comes from mistakes. If that's true, I should be a genius right about now. The fact is, nothing you do can really prepare you for living life. You may say that experience is an advantage, but life cases never repeat. They may be similar, but they're always so distinctly different that experience in one isn't such a big help in another situation. The only thing it may provide is a sort of numbness to ease away the pain.

Interesting topic, that of pain. There are many types. All of them can be channeled out, but perhaps the most painful ones that linger is emotional pain - the type that drives straight into the soul. There's no defense against that, other than numbness. No physical armor will ever protect you from that. I guess even Superman, the man of steel, is not immune to that. For that type of pain doesn't harm the flesh, it seeks out the heart and runs it through. It's the cost of having a heart - that it gets hurt, like everything that exists.

To feel or not to feel

2005-10-06T01:41:00.000+08:00

Nothing much is happening here. Life, as usual, is disjoint from utopia. Well, there's no such thing anyway. Sometimes when you have so much time to think, it doesn't do you any good. All this negativity recently is being fed by something. And I'm afraid that it's starting to reflect on my perspective. The hollowness I felt was scary, but the scarier part is getting used to it. As each day passes, I lose a little bit of my spirit. Things had been confusing, to say the least, a few weeks ago. But now, it's all like a blur. It's like I've run out of reactions. Don't get me wrong, I can still feel emotions, it's just that it all feels so.. normal. I'm getting so used to everyday having the same feelings, the same fears, the same worries, that it's not as big a thing as before. There's a sort of numbness in it all. A welcome numbness at times.

When I think about it, being numb to feeling might be a good thing. But then again, it's never a good thing to be numb always. Humanity begs us to feel, to respond, to live. The only way I can explain this is when you're hungry. Your stomach feels empty and you feel like you're being eaten up inside. But at some point, you don't feel hungry anymore. Like the hunger has passed, even though you know you haven't eaten anything.

It's a choice: to feel, and with it all the sensations that make us who we are. All the fears, laughter, tears, and hope. or to be numb, to shut out everything. I know you'd say that living is a far better option than not, but when all you've felt is negative, and everything seems to crash down quite often, isn't there a part of you willing to give in to the numbness that's beckoning? Sometimes, doesn't it seem easier to just curl up under a rock and hide?

Lost center

2005-09-29T21:32:00.000+08:00

I think I've lost my center again. It's just like losing your balance, only longer. Sort of. When you lose your balance, you just wobble around a bit, maybe even fall. But it's easy to regain. Lose your center and well, that's a different story. When you lose your center, you experience so many things that descriptions would seem to contradict each other. You feel as if you're falling and yet not falling. When you lose your center, you lose your anchor to daily life. So you drift around, maybe wandering aimlessly. You feel like you're falling too, as I've said. But there's no ground to hit, just a lot of falling. And falling is scary because you really feel helpless. Losing your center also means there's a certain hollowness inside. There was something there that's not there anymore, a missing piece. An emptiness that's dying to be filled up. And it really doesn't matter what fills it up again, as long as it's substantial.

I don't know why I'm writing right now. I just feel like it. Honestly, I'm just trying to reach out to anyone. I'm wishing someone would come and fill up this hollowness; bring me back my center. But if I had a coin for every wish I made, I'd never run out of money ever. I'm not usually very open about these things, but I really feel so alone right now. I can't think straight. I can't function well. I'm really very much confused and broken up. I've been through this once before, but it's not the same thing. It's never the same thing. It helps to write; it's a form of release on my part. But then again it doesn't help much. Consider this a cry for help; an act of desperation on my part. It's at this time that I'm really at my weakest. The world goes on, whatever happens. I guess at the very least, I'm just looking for presence. A reminder that I'm not forgotten. A sign that I'm not alone. I just need reassurance that everything's gonna be fine, that I'll get by somehow. I feel cold and lost and empty.. won't somebody bring me back to humanity?

It sucks to be me.

Pagsasapalaran

2005-09-29T01:16:00.000+08:00

Mahirap ang makipagsapalaran. Di mo malalaman kung saan ang iyong patutunguhan. Mahaba ang daan, parang walang katapusan. Paikit-ikot ang daloy ng lansangan. Minsan ang daang tinatahak ay nahahati sa maraming hinaharap. At walang pinagkakaiba ang bawat isa sa kanila. Ang paglakad sa isa ay nangangahulugang pagtalikod sa iba. Napapako ang landas sa daang linalakad, na madalas walang kamuangmuang kung saan tutungo. Eto ba ay landas kong totoo? O di kaya'y pagkakamaling pagpili ng daang palalo. Hanggang saan kaya ako matutungo rito sa aking linalakad? Walang tiyak na kasagutan na mababanaag mula sa bukang-liwaylay na tinutunguhan. Maraming uri ng daan ang naraanan na at muling lalakarin. May mabato at kay hirap tawirin. May maputik at madulas tunguhin. May makitid na daan, na parang walang lagusan; mayroon ding malalapad at waring madalas tuluyan. Mahirap talaga makipagsapalaran. Di mo alam kung may maaabutan sa dulo ng daang ginagalawan. Ikaw ba ay mayroon pangarap na tinutunguhan? O hanggang paglalakad na lamang ba ang iyong kahihinatnan?

Physics1 + Eco102 = Reflection

2005-09-27T00:34:00.000+08:00

Some things are easily taken for granted. I kind of miss the past. It's in the natural law of entropy that simple things don't stay simple for very long. They move to chaos, to complication, to disorder. And in all this mess, it is very easy to forget what used to be "ok" already. Everything has to improve, everything has to move forward. But at what cost? The cost is the present.. you just miss it as you keep looking forward into evolving. And when you do realize that, it's already the past. "What used to be" is now gone. Things change, i know. I just can't understand why, at times. There used to be answers before, now I'm only left with questions.

They say that if you compare "before" and "now," you'll end up with the short end of the stick. I can't count how many things I've observed from before that are gone now. Simple things really, but they do add up. And it seems that it's true that you only miss things when they're gone. A simple "thanks" that isn't said anymore because it's already "understood." A courteous "hello" that isn't needed as much. An acknowledgement of some sort that isn't shown anymore because it's normally done anyway. So many things that are lost. It reminds me somehow of the saying, "familiarity breeds contempt," but in another way. Nothing contemptuous, just familiarity in general. Let me explain a bit..

When you meet a person for the first time, you'd want to put your best foot forward, to show your best side (after all, first impressions DO last). You do this because you want the other person to see your good side. There's a certain feeling of accomplishment to winning the person over to your side, like making a new friend. So now after a few weeks, you're getting a bit familiar, and then something happens. Since you're friends already, you've already fulfilled that role and somehow it's not as exciting anymore. All the enthusiasm has been replaced with "duty." You don't do things anymore to win the person over, you've already done that. You're now in the maintenance part, and it doesn't require as much as the best-foot-forward part. You just need to occassionally say hi, speak, throw in compliments.. just necessities to keep the friendship afloat. That's what I mean when I say familiarity. You're then off to making other new friends while you keep your previous ones under your belt. But maybe my explanation isn't too clear. Here's another one..

For those who have pets, I'm sure you understand this better. Have you ever had a brand new puppy? Cute isn't it? What do you do when it arrives for the first time? You play with it, cuddle with it, talk to it.. for hours on end. You can't wait to feed it, to scratch behind it's ears, to rub its belly.. You did those things right? Maybe you won't notice gradually, but after a month or a year, what happens? The puppy grows older, yes. And then? Can you honestly say that you're still giving it as much attention as when you first got it? Do you still look forward to feeding it, playing with it, scratching behind it's ears? Or is it just another chore for you to do? Think about it. In Eco102 we learn about the value of marginal utility, maybe the same concept works here. For those who don't remember, it sort of says that for each additional specific thing you have, you get less and less satisfaction from it. So I guess it's the same for everything, even people. Sad to say, but the more "time" we spend with others, the less satisfaction we get. And so we don't put in as much effort as we used to.

I'm not sure if what I said made any sense. I wanted to write about this for so very long, I just couldn't find the words to do so. It's 2 years in the making, and I doubt that it's complete yet. It still doesn't convey everything in my mind. Some of the people who will read this might disagree. That can't be helped. Some will blame this outlook on my pessimistic approach to everything. That can't be helped too. I'm not trying to say that everyone is bad because of this. Maybe a lot of people have thought about this but couldn't point a finger to what they're thinking.

If it made you stop for a while and think, if it made you consider just a little bit, then maybe something in what I said held a kernel of truth in it for you. And that's all I ever wanted this to be - something to make people stop and think.

Uneventful day

2005-09-25T17:05:00.000+08:00

I've done a lot of writing recently, but none of them are ever completed. I'm full of half-baked thoughts and ideas, but none of them seem to materialize into paper. They're all in my mind waiting to be lost at the slightest chance of recall. It feels like I can't do anything anymore. Like I've lost my center somewhat. I can't write, I can't draw, I can't think straight.. none of what I used to enjoy doing give me anymore gratification. This is bad. What if I remain like this forever, feeling lost and without inspiration? It doesn't take much to make me happy, but it takes even less to make me sad, as it seems. But it's not quite sadness. I know "sad," and this is not it. Something more.. something deeper.. like my spirit has lost something. Metaphysical unease? I guess. Something is missing.. it feels like I'm just waiting to die or something. I need to do something, anything, to get me out of this state, and yet I feel too lazy to do anything. Tough. My bones feel heavy. My flesh feels weak. My brain feels all dried up. My will feels.. well, I can't feel it. I'm not physically sick, but I might be if this continues..

Sembreak is nearing. And I can't help but be afraid of it. At least in school I get to see other people. Sembreak at home might just make me insane. Imagine, 30 days with no one to talk to...

Universality

2005-09-24T00:36:00.000+08:00

It's amazing how similar each and everyone of us really are, and yet don't realize that. We all go through much the same thing, and a lot of our reactions are the same. And yet, there's a certain blindness when we're the ones making others react. How can we not see that our actions cause such ripples in others that we ourselves also experience? Are not emotions universal? The pain or love or joy that one experiences do not differ much from what each of us feels. They differ by degree and by our reactions to them, but in the end, is not a painful experience just plain painful? Is not a certain happiness just plain happy? We call them by words familiar to us because they are familiar to us. We know what it means when we say "happy" or "sad" or "lonely" or "excited." In the end, we're all just the same. We feel what others feel, we think what others think, we act how other act. But how can we still not see the "other?"

Just another song

2005-09-23T00:48:00.000+08:00

Another song, another sentiment..

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armour
The warrior is a child

Songs have an uncanny way of describing feelings, but they're far from accurate.

2005-09-18T22:31:00.000+08:00

I don't need to explain this anymore.. words are just a source of confusion.. words just make everything complicated..

Smile

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you’ll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what’s the use of crying?
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

I could really use one right now.. or maybe even two. But it doesn't really matter, as long as I see one that comes from you..

Away from Neverland

2005-09-17T23:03:00.000+08:00

"Living would be an awfully big adventure.."
- Peter Pan

I sometimes come to think how silly my problems are and at the same time how serious they are too. This ambivalence has brought about numerous mood shifts in my part - a balance of which I have never found. I guess it's all a matter of how you look at it really. There are times when I'm so easily affected by the smallest of events, seemingly insignificant to most people, and yet having profound impact on my state of mind and even well-being. Some of you would likely know what I'm talking about. For others, well, you can guess. And then, when the times are good, I think myself silly for being so affected. But they didn't seem very silly then..

What I'm trying to say is that I'm really having a tough time coping with a lot of things. It's hard enough to be concerned with things I should be concerned about at this time, the normal things, and yet I can't seem to avoid being concerned with a few additional things. A few very big additional things. As the Little Prince would put it, "things of great consequence." And most of these are intangible, like feelings. Ok, so now most of you can probably risk a guess.

As Peter Pan put it, living is quite an arduous task. Each life is a story, a great adventure waiting to be told. A drama, a comedy, a tragedy; full of action, monotony, forshadowing, and the occassional plot twists; all rolled-up into a book no words can fully iterate. And the only one who gets to watch it all in it's entirety? Well that would be you.. and you're bound to miss out a few details too, so in the end, you still won't be able to see the entire picture.

I just wish sometimes that I knew all the answers to my questions.. or at least the questions haunting me right now. But where would be the adventure in that? Everyone loves a good tragedy, as long as it's not happening to them. I guess Fate has the same idea. I just wish so badly that my story takes a turn for the better, not one that's destined to be tragic..

I really need a little sweet movie-moment right now..

Apologies

2005-09-15T21:22:00.000+08:00

I do think it's time for some apologies.. I'll just leave the names out, but I guess you'll know who you are when you read your part. I hope. If not, well, be glad that I haven't done anything to you worth apologizing for..?

I'm sorry for all the times I've vented my frustrations on your kind ears. I know very well the stresses of school and how very busy you are. Because of that, I sometimes think that my world is falling apart because people like you, whom I consider a very good friend of mine, are never around just when I have my "episodes." I'm sorry I even thought that. I know that you of all people didn't really desert me, you just have your own life to consider too. I understand that. It's just sometimes I really do feel so alone and when I look around, no one seems to notice..

I'm sorry for slacking off more often than normal. I know I have responsibilities too, but they seem.. mild, compared to the other things I usually think about. I guess I have to reorganize my priorities a bit..

I'm sorry if I haven't been so "open" at times. It's not that I'm keeping secrets from you or anything. It's just that I had wanted to sort them out before I tell anyone. I'll tell you when something comes up that I do understand. I may have also felt a little bit bad from before, when I confided in you and yet you seemed to act in a not very helpful way with regards to what I've told you. But it's ok now. Past is past. I just felt like I had to apologize for it..

I'm sorry for being the eternal pessimist..

I'm sorry if I thought some very bad things.. to the point that it's a bit of backstabbing already. It's not your fault. It shouldn't even affect me. I guess I'm just insecure..

I'm sorry that I thought you were one of those people who "use" others. I still have to learn to differentiate that from just plain personality. There will always be people I won't understand at first, but in time I will. I know you're nice and friendly in your own way, it's just that it's easy to confuse what you do with what I hated of some people. Sorry..

I'm sorry for all the times I haven't been able to explain myself. It's quite difficult doing so without revealing some secrets that aren't ready to be revealed yet. In time you'll find out. I'm also sorry if I seem to worry too much. It's really just who I am. I've also said some things which led to some misunderstanding.. I didn't mean to make it sound that way. And if ever I've been a little too annoying, I'm sorry for that too. I'm sorry when at times I panic too soon, or when I distract you from what you have to do, or when I make you worry, or when I'm just plain silly.. Right now I don't think I can apologize enough. If I say sorry to remove the guilt I'm feeling, there would be no end to the apologies..

I don't think I can apologize for all the things I've done. Maybe some other time. I just thought that apologies were in order because of a song I heard from Dishwalla. And this was the line that really struck me..

"I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold"

I guess that sums it all up.

Beyond invisible

2005-09-13T00:42:00.000+08:00

I've talked about "invisibility" before. And now it seems that I have some newfound powers. I've taken invisibility to the next level and now I'm able to remove myself from existence for a period of time! It's sooo way better than being invisible; no one notices you even if you try to exert yourself. No one hears you when you try to speak; no one knows you're there! It's sooo great! When it manifests, I can basically walk among people I know and no one would have any idea that I'm there. It's like melting away from the world. And the best part? I can be alone for as long as I want! What more can you ask for? Nobody can bother me because I don't exist! Wow! This is soooooo amazing!!!

Something to think about

2005-09-09T23:47:00.000+08:00

Everything's a rush..

Sometimes I don't know what real anymore. Here I go again with another vague entry.. but when has my life ever been NOT vague? It seems ambiguity and existence go hand-in-hand in my case. So many uncertainties and doubts that I really can't be sure of what I'm sure of. I'm bombarded with mercurial things and there's just no making sense of it. Right now I'm trying to weigh a lot of things. It just seems that some things are hard to shake off, like some things..

But enough of the vagueness for now, or at least a lessening of it. I'm trying to figure out for myself how some things fit "the big picture." A lot of events happen that I really can't fit into a generic model of "good" or "bad." Everything just falls on a shade of gray. I guess that's how everything goes, but how am I supposed to react to that? If it's good, then I should be happy. If it's bad, then I should act accordingly. But what of gray? Is there also a predetermined action for those type of events? In the course of this wondering, I've come upon something I've heard of before. I don't know where it came from, but it helped me cope a bit with the gray area.

Live. And let live.

Such a simple statement. Live. It tells you to go on with life, despite what may be happening. Life doesn't stop when you stop to think, it goes on. It doesn't care if you can't catch up. Live. Don't waste life, no matter what cards you're dealt with. But at the same time, try not to be vindictive or resentful. Let live. Yours is your life, but others'. Let live. Being dealt a bad hand doesn't mean wishing others to have a worse hand than yours. Let other people decide what they want, not what you want. In the end, you're not only responsible for what you make of your life, you're also responsible in letting others decide for themselves what they want out of their lives.

Live. And let live.

This has to be one of my most "positive" entries to date. I guess I did learn something from that little statement above. Or maybe it's just an easier alternative to thinking what to believe in a very vague world..

Naming the demons that lurk inside..

2005-09-04T22:05:00.000+08:00

There's this particular feeling that I often feel on certain instances. It starts down from the pit of your stomach and slowly rises up to form a lump in your throat. At the same time, a feeling of dread swallows you up. You know something is wrong, but either you're too afraid to admit it or you really don't know what it is. There's a sense of urgency too, of wanting to do something about it but you realize that you can't, it's out of your hands. Then with the realization comes a sense of helplessness and you feel it in your gut that you don't want to be where you currently are. You try to look for a place to hide, to make it all go away, to numb the feeling as something inside you feels like it's being squeezed in a vice. You want to shout, to rage, to be angry, to cry.. but you can't. All these emotions are drowning one another that you can't express a single one. And then you feel helpless again, but of a different sort. You feel helpless that you can't find a meaning in all of this. It doesn't make sense to you, but when you think about it, it does. And it scares you. That very fact scares you, because it only means that you've already accepted it.. deep down. I know this feeling.. I know it all too well..

a metaphor

2005-09-04T21:26:00.000+08:00

It still surprises me sometimes at how quickly moods can change.. mine in particular. It seems that I'm having a hormonal imbalance. One moment I'm ok, in a sense, the next moment I shift into a melancholic state. What's up with these sudden shifts? I can't control any of them. They just happen when they happen, and disappear just as fast - that is, when they do go away. This is becoming very stressful for me, much more so than school. It stresses me that I have no idea when the next shift will be, or how often it occurs, or for how long. I just know that it will happen. It's like riding a rollercoaster blindfolded. You can feel it pulling you up, and you know that you'll be going down sometime.. but you just can't hold your breath because you have no idea when the drop will be, nor what will happen after that.. a long ride, a short one, full of twists or very mild - you just can't tell.. happiness and sadness intertwined.. that's life. They're two sides of the same coin.. and sometimes.. sometimes I begin to think that I'd just rather not have the coin..

Explanations

2005-08-29T13:23:00.000+08:00

I have a tendency to worry a lot. Worrying is part of life, or so I'd like to believe, but there are times when it takes on a life of its own. One thing I've realized from this is that the things I worry about tend to be things I have little or no control over, and things I consider of great importance. Small things merit small worries, but the ones that really get me worked up have a tendency of being so elusive. That's the best description I can give. Despite this being an explanation, I really can't explain everything. A factor would be because this is only meant for some people; another is that I honestly don't know for sure. For the former, well, I'll explain more some other time, or you can just ask me. For the latter case though, that's pretty much it, until I can understand a bit more. But I digress; back to the topic at hand.

As I've said, I do tend to worry around too much about things most people would find inconsequential. But taking my past into consideration, nothing is of no consequence. I guess I've told a lot of people about my pessimistic behavior, and I don't think it's gone. In fact I don't think that will ever be changed much. It's been an intricate part of my nature now that sometimes I forget that it's there. My experiences didn't necessarily help either. They just served as confirmation of what I've already established before - that, sadly, life isn't so nice. And maybe it even goes out of it's way especially for me.. But this isn't meant to appeal for pity, I only meant this as an explanation, at least partially. It's quite hard to think about these things and avoid staining it with beliefs and biases, but I am trying hard. I'm trying to write down what I have believed in for so very long. But so far I've only touched upon my pessimistic nature. Well, it plays a big role as to why I worry. You see, when something quite good happens to me, I have a tendency of not letting myself think on it too much because I believe that sooner or later, it'll just disappear, just like everythig else before it (as my nature leads me to believe). But there are times when that "good thing" tends to stay a bit longer than usual, and I become accustomed to it. That's when problems arise. The moment I get the tiniest hint of it changing, I begin to panic. It seems that I easily get attached, as some people warn me against. While this isn't really a bad thing in itself, it's bad the way it mixes with how I see things. Anyway, my point is, I do worry too much, and that is because I'm afraid. Afraid that what little I have would slip from my hands and vanish.

I've written too many things already, and still I'm not quite done. But what I was trying to say here is that when I worry about something, I'm afraid of losing it. It may be a state of mind, a person, a hope - it's those things that I've lost before in some way or another and thought I would never find again that I'm most worried about, most afraid of losing. All my other entries prior to this have served as partial explanations, a sort of precursor to this one.

In the end, I ask myself this question: Why am I writing this down? I'm risking the fact that other people are bound to read this, and maybe some will understand what I'm saying, but there will be those that won't. Why then am I still risking it? I think I know my answer..

...

2005-08-25T22:44:00.000+08:00

I'm scared.. and worried.. and uncertain..

Gradual Change

2005-08-22T22:46:00.000+08:00

It's one of those things that creeps up on you. Things have been changing lately, and it's scary. Although a lot of good changes have happened, I can't seem to help but wonder how many changed to a not-so-good state ever so slowly that I failed to notice them. Or maybe I'm just up to my pessimism again. Either way, I'm not too happy about it. In a sense, these gradual changes prove that things do change, and like it or not, some aren't always for the better. I've spoken about drift before, and it's the same thing. It's the tiny movements that you hardly notice until it's a long way from you already. It's the things that grow smaller and smaller everyday that eventually disappears without you ever knowing. It's the tiny amount of poison that kills you ever so slowly as each day passes.

Something must have happened.

Right now there is change happening. Whether it is good or bad remains to be seen, but I'm worried nonetheless. Worried of what I might lose ever so slowly, worried about the outcome of the change. What chimera would turn out this time? What visage awaits the morning light? As darkness is uncovered, will I discover myself to be alone again? Will I be the only one standing here when I thought otherwise? The signs are vague, and very much mixed. Words changed, and worlds changed.

When I wake up tomorrow, will everything still be the same?

Music

2005-08-21T17:39:00.000+08:00

Music can be quite strange.

How can some music bring about a long forgotten memory? Or so easily sway a person's mood? How can it make you remember sights, smells and even tastes? It makes one reminisce, ponder, pause from whatever one's doing. Music is even said to soothe the savage beast.

There are some songs that when I hear, bring back some very fond memories. They make me feel different, make me remember sensations I had before. They make me sweat, make my skin tingle, speed my breathing, they transform me. There are songs that make me forget my fears, songs that make me uneasy. There are those that lift my spirits, and those that weigh it down. What is it in those songs that make them do that to me? It is true for everyone else?

Let's see.. from what I remember, I guess the songs that trigger those emotions, reactions, and feelings are the songs that I heard when something traumatic or eventful happens. That's my theory anyway. Maybe it's true. How else can you explain the effect of particular songs on my appetite, my sleeping habits, me boredom, my giddiness, my irritation, my elation, my sadness...

Music is such a mystery.

Windows

2005-08-17T23:53:00.000+08:00

Here I am writing again. About what? I don't really have the strangest idea, I'm just writing and that's that. Well.. actually, there are a lot of things in my mind lately. Unfortunately, I can't write them here.. Strange? I guess. This is supposed to be a place where I can be myself, and yet even here I wear a mask that tells me what I should or shouldn't say. How ironic. The one place I can be free, I'm chained by the fact that I can't voice out everything. No offense to people who do read this, but there is just something scary about revealing your innermost thoughts to other people, no matter who they are. My mind is my private world. And the only one who lives in it is me. No one else. So it's rather a scary thought to show others what my world looks like, even through this small window, for fear that they won't understand and so judge who I am or hold reservations based on what they see through the window. And so I try to control what I write; censor it so that only the most pleasant scenes show through. So here I am again stuck without a medium for releasing pent-up emotions and nagging thoughts that the world deems taboo.

I'm stuck. This place has lost a great part of its purpose. I have a window that has been tinted to filter out the glaring colors of my thoughts. A window that serves only to paint a good picture, an illusion, an outer box to hide what is hidden.

Here I am babbling again.. not everything is so bad. The world still continues to turn, and right now it's great. Really. There are things to be happy about, though I'm still not sure if any of it is real.. or just in my imagination. If it turns out to be just mere phantoms of the mind, then I pray I don't wake any time soon. I'd prefer to continue dreaming a bit longer please, if it were a dream. If it were real.. then that's a completely different story. And I'd never want to sleep again.

What wakes me up in the morning and what helps me sleep at night is just the thought that maybe, just maybe, everything right now is real. That's is all the assurance I need to be truly happy..

A bit unsure

2005-08-14T16:37:00.000+08:00

Something's bothering me, but I'm not quite certain if it should or shouldn't. I can't trust my reasoning right now because it's not working properly. Here's where my pessimistic view of the world around me has got to stop clouding everything; every action, every word, everything said and left unsaid..
It's quite difficult when the mind's a mess over something like this. Basic decisions become hurdles and simple questions grow to some life-changing size - even if deep down you know it's silly.

***

I recently encountered that word again, a word that I should have forgotten a long time ago. In a perfect world, no such thing should exist, but this one is far from perfect, and that has troubled me as of late. Especially now..

Fears

2005-08-07T13:44:00.000+08:00

Some emotions draw out some rather interesting responses or actions. One of those is fear. I don't understand what is it in fear that can bring the most steadfast person trembling to his knees, or chip away resolve down to uncertainty. Fear triggers hesitation, fear triggers inaction, fear triggers the flight response. For me it's one of the most powerful emotions there is - even strong enough to render the others ineffective. It can however multiply those same emotions too.

What do you fear?
Why are you afraid?

Is fear of loss really that great? It's this fear that drives us to falter; the greater the risk, the more we hesitate. Do I move forward? Or take what I have and walk away? I don't want to face that decision again. Not with so much on the line. They say that risk equals, even outweighs, the rewards. But risk triggers fear, and fear incapacitates. It renders useless the faculties of a sound logic.

Am I afraid?

I guess. About many things. Things I do not have control of. Things that I can only wait for to happen. Fear mixed with dread. A sense of inevitability. They say you only need to get burned once to have the fear of fire driven upon you. But how can you explain the people who try to stare down fear? Are they really unafraid? Or do they have something that far outweighs their fears? - a greater fear of not doing anything about it, or not being able to do anything.

A coward dies many times before his death; the courageous only tastes of death but once.

Changes

2005-08-03T23:17:00.000+08:00

I don't think it's good for anything to be static for a very long time, although how long is a long time really depends on many things. I think change is a necessary thing, to avoid stagnation that eventually sets in. Life is a very important recipient of change - it's what changes the most. It's dynamic and sometimes, people do get lost, unable to catch up with the changes. I think I do need to change some things in my life. It's far from perfect and I doubt any change I do will make it suddenly a whole lot better. Small steps, that's how things are done. Rush something and some things are bound to get destroyed, sort of like the wind that follows the wake of a speeding car - or plane. A sonic boom of sorts. It's the little changes that don't get noticed as much, and only by those few who pay attention. Will anyone notice how much I'm changing? Has anyone seen how much I've changed? I have. And sometimes I myself can't even tell, until I'm suddenly surprised by my own actions.

A familiar dream

2005-07-31T15:34:00.000+08:00

It seems like I've been here before, this hazy dream of mine. It all seems so familiar.. and yet there are aspects I find alien to me as well. I'm walking this path that's constantly shifting, and yet my feet remember these same steps I took at another time, another reality. I'm living in this dream, as before, in another dream, and another awakening. It might end in the next moment, or farther still, and then again it may not be a dream anymore. Reality is so confusing now. What is dream, what is real? Both have pain all the same. Pain from a dream haunts the awakening, and pain from reality permeates in dream. In the end, what is reality but an overlapping of dreams - dreams of hope, of fear, of sadness, of joys; dreams that will come and go until you discover your life to be one big dream - then comes a rude awakening.

Wasting Time

2005-07-30T16:20:00.000+08:00

This past week has been.. hectic, and next week promises to be as heavy as well. But despite of this, I've still had time to do things I enjoy. Like thinking. Well, it's not that I enjoy that so much, it's just very familiar to me since I do it quite often before - deep thought that is. Most of the time, it's the daily things that make me think, but sometimes, it's the rare events or not-so-commonplace things that trigger brain activity.

One such instance is when my philo teacher mentioned that when we make friends or when we hang around other people, we waste time. He said that wasting time with others is how you make friends with them. (then someone remarked that "you're a waste of time." should then be considered a compliment. hehe) As for me, I'd have to agree, but there's one thing I'd like to clarify about it. I don't consider it a waste of time. It's like this: everyone has time, and limited time at that. We get it when we're born and it continues to diminish as we live through life. And there's no adding to it. Some get more time than others, but basically the moment you're born, you start using it. You can't save time. With this in mind, whatever we do, we "pay" for it using our time. So really, whatever we do, time gets used up. And for me, I don't consider it a waste when you use it up for friends. Perhaps that's just me and what I consider worthwhile. So I'd have to disagree with it being a "waste of time" since there are other activities far less deserving. Wait, let me rephrase that. There aren't a lot of activities more deserving. Hehe.

In the end, it all depends on our perspective (again). Do you consider making friends wasting time? Our priorities are based on how much we're willing to spend this valuable commodity. After all, there aren't any refunds available, no interest nor loans, and you can't acquire more for all the money in the world.

So take it as a compliment when someone tells you that you're a waste of time. Hehe. That just means someone was willing to "waste" time on you. Hahaha.