Empty Season

At some point in my life I feel that I have changed so much. One staggering example is this holiday season. The yuletide season for me has been slowly losing its "magic" since about 4 years ago. Each year, I get less and less excited about it, and the feeling of a "lost Christmas" is so disconcerting at best. I've tried to find that feeling of the holidays. I've tried so hard, doing so many things, but most of them were just temporary. Last year I caroled with a choir, and for a while it seemed to wake up that holiday cheer in me. But afterwards, it was quickly lost. This year I had no such activity. And as Christmas drew nearer, I just grew more melancholic. When Christmas Eve came, and finally Christmas Day, there was no excitement. No twinkling in my eye, no song in my heart. It felt just like any other day. And I'm greatly saddened by this loss of spirit.

What do I do about this emptiness? I can't live an empty-feeling life forever. And it gets worse every year - especially during this happy season. Something is missing in my life... a plan, a purpose, a dream, something...

I don't know what it is.
But I need to find it soon.

Hedgehog's Dilemma

The Hedgehog's Dilemma goes something like this:
In the cold of winter, hedgehogs huddle together to keep warm, but as they get closer to each other, then more they feel each other's quills.

We are just like those hedgehogs. The closer we get to one another, the greater the possibility of us hurting one another. I guess that's the risk of getting too close to a person. Let's face it, all of us have encountered such situations. How often have we been too afraid of getting hurt that we put up barriers around us to shield us from other people? Like the hedgehog, we worry about finding the right distance - too far and we feel no warmth, too close and we begin to hurt one another. And so we sacrifice some warmth in order not to get hurt, and we tolerate some pain in order to feel the warmth of others.

But there are those whose own body heat, so to speak, is high enough that they can live without another's warmth. There is no risk of getting hurt. But it too brings it's own sadness. That of loneliness. To forsake the warmth of others is to avoid the risk of pain, but to the cost of being alone. There are those people who have been too hurt, too much, that they decide it is better to be alone than to get hurt again. It seems strangely familiar. We all have these moments. Moments when we feel the world crashing down on us because we opened our core to someone, and they had shoved a sharp stick into it.

Sometimes, it's hard to find that balance. Sometimes, the pain, or fear of pain, is just too much. Sometimes, it's easier not to get too close. Even if it means being alone.

Sometimes.

Another bad day

*warning to "avid" readers: not a happy post*

Sometimes, things just come out of nowhere and hits you right across your face. What's worse is if it was something unexpected. It kind of feels like choking on water. Some realizations really aren't easily realized without feeling bad about them.

And so that day would fall under being a bad day. Bad days become bad weeks, and then bad months... pretty soon, you end up having a bad life. A lousy one...

So here's to my sucky day (probably far from my last, as it would seem)

Daniel Powter
Bad Day

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to gray
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carryin' on

Because you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Will you need a blue sky holiday?
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day...

if what I've learned is true, or what I fear is real, then...
I don't know what to do...