I think I've lost my center again. It's just like losing your balance, only longer. Sort of. When you lose your balance, you just wobble around a bit, maybe even fall. But it's easy to regain. Lose your center and well, that's a different story. When you lose your center, you experience so many things that descriptions would seem to contradict each other. You feel as if you're falling and yet not falling. When you lose your center, you lose your anchor to daily life. So you drift around, maybe wandering aimlessly. You feel like you're falling too, as I've said. But there's no ground to hit, just a lot of falling. And falling is scary because you really feel helpless. Losing your center also means there's a certain hollowness inside. There was something there that's not there anymore, a missing piece. An emptiness that's dying to be filled up. And it really doesn't matter what fills it up again, as long as it's substantial.
I don't know why I'm writing right now. I just feel like it. Honestly, I'm just trying to reach out to anyone. I'm wishing someone would come and fill up this hollowness; bring me back my center. But if I had a coin for every wish I made, I'd never run out of money ever. I'm not usually very open about these things, but I really feel so alone right now. I can't think straight. I can't function well. I'm really very much confused and broken up. I've been through this once before, but it's not the same thing. It's never the same thing. It helps to write; it's a form of release on my part. But then again it doesn't help much. Consider this a cry for help; an act of desperation on my part. It's at this time that I'm really at my weakest. The world goes on, whatever happens. I guess at the very least, I'm just looking for presence. A reminder that I'm not forgotten. A sign that I'm not alone. I just need reassurance that everything's gonna be fine, that I'll get by somehow. I feel cold and lost and empty.. won't somebody bring me back to humanity?
It sucks to be me.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Pagsasapalaran
Mahirap ang makipagsapalaran. Di mo malalaman kung saan ang iyong patutunguhan. Mahaba ang daan, parang walang katapusan. Paikit-ikot ang daloy ng lansangan. Minsan ang daang tinatahak ay nahahati sa maraming hinaharap. At walang pinagkakaiba ang bawat isa sa kanila. Ang paglakad sa isa ay nangangahulugang pagtalikod sa iba. Napapako ang landas sa daang linalakad, na madalas walang kamuangmuang kung saan tutungo. Eto ba ay landas kong totoo? O di kaya'y pagkakamaling pagpili ng daang palalo. Hanggang saan kaya ako matutungo rito sa aking linalakad? Walang tiyak na kasagutan na mababanaag mula sa bukang-liwaylay na tinutunguhan. Maraming uri ng daan ang naraanan na at muling lalakarin. May mabato at kay hirap tawirin. May maputik at madulas tunguhin. May makitid na daan, na parang walang lagusan; mayroon ding malalapad at waring madalas tuluyan. Mahirap talaga makipagsapalaran. Di mo alam kung may maaabutan sa dulo ng daang ginagalawan. Ikaw ba ay mayroon pangarap na tinutunguhan? O hanggang paglalakad na lamang ba ang iyong kahihinatnan?
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Physics1 + Eco102 = Reflection
Some things are easily taken for granted. I kind of miss the past. It's in the natural law of entropy that simple things don't stay simple for very long. They move to chaos, to complication, to disorder. And in all this mess, it is very easy to forget what used to be "ok" already. Everything has to improve, everything has to move forward. But at what cost? The cost is the present.. you just miss it as you keep looking forward into evolving. And when you do realize that, it's already the past. "What used to be" is now gone. Things change, i know. I just can't understand why, at times. There used to be answers before, now I'm only left with questions.
They say that if you compare "before" and "now," you'll end up with the short end of the stick. I can't count how many things I've observed from before that are gone now. Simple things really, but they do add up. And it seems that it's true that you only miss things when they're gone. A simple "thanks" that isn't said anymore because it's already "understood." A courteous "hello" that isn't needed as much. An acknowledgement of some sort that isn't shown anymore because it's normally done anyway. So many things that are lost. It reminds me somehow of the saying, "familiarity breeds contempt," but in another way. Nothing contemptuous, just familiarity in general. Let me explain a bit..
When you meet a person for the first time, you'd want to put your best foot forward, to show your best side (after all, first impressions DO last). You do this because you want the other person to see your good side. There's a certain feeling of accomplishment to winning the person over to your side, like making a new friend. So now after a few weeks, you're getting a bit familiar, and then something happens. Since you're friends already, you've already fulfilled that role and somehow it's not as exciting anymore. All the enthusiasm has been replaced with "duty." You don't do things anymore to win the person over, you've already done that. You're now in the maintenance part, and it doesn't require as much as the best-foot-forward part. You just need to occassionally say hi, speak, throw in compliments.. just necessities to keep the friendship afloat. That's what I mean when I say familiarity. You're then off to making other new friends while you keep your previous ones under your belt. But maybe my explanation isn't too clear. Here's another one..
For those who have pets, I'm sure you understand this better. Have you ever had a brand new puppy? Cute isn't it? What do you do when it arrives for the first time? You play with it, cuddle with it, talk to it.. for hours on end. You can't wait to feed it, to scratch behind it's ears, to rub its belly.. You did those things right? Maybe you won't notice gradually, but after a month or a year, what happens? The puppy grows older, yes. And then? Can you honestly say that you're still giving it as much attention as when you first got it? Do you still look forward to feeding it, playing with it, scratching behind it's ears? Or is it just another chore for you to do? Think about it. In Eco102 we learn about the value of marginal utility, maybe the same concept works here. For those who don't remember, it sort of says that for each additional specific thing you have, you get less and less satisfaction from it. So I guess it's the same for everything, even people. Sad to say, but the more "time" we spend with others, the less satisfaction we get. And so we don't put in as much effort as we used to.
I'm not sure if what I said made any sense. I wanted to write about this for so very long, I just couldn't find the words to do so. It's 2 years in the making, and I doubt that it's complete yet. It still doesn't convey everything in my mind. Some of the people who will read this might disagree. That can't be helped. Some will blame this outlook on my pessimistic approach to everything. That can't be helped too. I'm not trying to say that everyone is bad because of this. Maybe a lot of people have thought about this but couldn't point a finger to what they're thinking.
If it made you stop for a while and think, if it made you consider just a little bit, then maybe something in what I said held a kernel of truth in it for you. And that's all I ever wanted this to be - something to make people stop and think.
They say that if you compare "before" and "now," you'll end up with the short end of the stick. I can't count how many things I've observed from before that are gone now. Simple things really, but they do add up. And it seems that it's true that you only miss things when they're gone. A simple "thanks" that isn't said anymore because it's already "understood." A courteous "hello" that isn't needed as much. An acknowledgement of some sort that isn't shown anymore because it's normally done anyway. So many things that are lost. It reminds me somehow of the saying, "familiarity breeds contempt," but in another way. Nothing contemptuous, just familiarity in general. Let me explain a bit..
When you meet a person for the first time, you'd want to put your best foot forward, to show your best side (after all, first impressions DO last). You do this because you want the other person to see your good side. There's a certain feeling of accomplishment to winning the person over to your side, like making a new friend. So now after a few weeks, you're getting a bit familiar, and then something happens. Since you're friends already, you've already fulfilled that role and somehow it's not as exciting anymore. All the enthusiasm has been replaced with "duty." You don't do things anymore to win the person over, you've already done that. You're now in the maintenance part, and it doesn't require as much as the best-foot-forward part. You just need to occassionally say hi, speak, throw in compliments.. just necessities to keep the friendship afloat. That's what I mean when I say familiarity. You're then off to making other new friends while you keep your previous ones under your belt. But maybe my explanation isn't too clear. Here's another one..
For those who have pets, I'm sure you understand this better. Have you ever had a brand new puppy? Cute isn't it? What do you do when it arrives for the first time? You play with it, cuddle with it, talk to it.. for hours on end. You can't wait to feed it, to scratch behind it's ears, to rub its belly.. You did those things right? Maybe you won't notice gradually, but after a month or a year, what happens? The puppy grows older, yes. And then? Can you honestly say that you're still giving it as much attention as when you first got it? Do you still look forward to feeding it, playing with it, scratching behind it's ears? Or is it just another chore for you to do? Think about it. In Eco102 we learn about the value of marginal utility, maybe the same concept works here. For those who don't remember, it sort of says that for each additional specific thing you have, you get less and less satisfaction from it. So I guess it's the same for everything, even people. Sad to say, but the more "time" we spend with others, the less satisfaction we get. And so we don't put in as much effort as we used to.
I'm not sure if what I said made any sense. I wanted to write about this for so very long, I just couldn't find the words to do so. It's 2 years in the making, and I doubt that it's complete yet. It still doesn't convey everything in my mind. Some of the people who will read this might disagree. That can't be helped. Some will blame this outlook on my pessimistic approach to everything. That can't be helped too. I'm not trying to say that everyone is bad because of this. Maybe a lot of people have thought about this but couldn't point a finger to what they're thinking.
If it made you stop for a while and think, if it made you consider just a little bit, then maybe something in what I said held a kernel of truth in it for you. And that's all I ever wanted this to be - something to make people stop and think.
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