Sunday, May 28, 2006

gone

Everything is gone.

I lost them all.

It's so hard to start from scratch again. It's like building a castle from mud.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Stresssss

Edited: too much detail on something so public, haha!

They say that a little bit of excitement makes life interesting. If that were the case, mine had been VERY interesting today - even bordering on traumatic.

Background:
I'm currently doing my practicum. Unfortunately, wala akong kilala na ibang trainee sa work ko, only my bosses and the other employees. Well, being the instigators that my bosses are(haha!), they always take advantage of every opportunity to tease me. Teasing, I can handle. There was a time though when medyo nasobrahan. A female trainee came by our part of the room and had our boss sign something. Siyempre, he didn't waste time in saying, "Ay, [girl's name], kilala mo na ba yung trainee namin? This is mike. Mike, this is [girl's name]." Boss naman, na awkward tuloy ako! Hehe, di prepared. I felt like a fish out of water. I should've known he'd pull off something like that..
Yun nga, I don't know any of the other trainees in my department...
And so every lunchtime, I usually eat with the bosses....

Today:
Well, today was quite stressful. There was a new employee that arrived just this week. Just this week and already she's joining in on the fun of teasing me dahil wala akong kilala. Mas grabe pa nga siya humirit eh..Hello? I don't know you that long for you to start doing that. I don't mind opening up to people, but there are limits. Pakonti-konti lang sana.

You know what she did? We have a monthly meeting and this month, our team is hosting it. Today she said, "Mike, ikaw na bahala sa presentation ng mga trainees. Meet mo sila and organize mo." AND THEN when dumaan yung isang trainee, she told her, "[girl's name]! Tulungan mo nga si Mike sa pag organize ng trainee presentation. Mag partner kayo and magmeet kayo to discuss. Wala pang kilala si Mike sa ibang trainees eh." And then when umalis yung trainee, ma'am turns to me with a smirk and says, "o, kailan yung libre?" Waaaaaa! What was that abouuut? I felt like a fish out of water before. Now I felt like I was thrown into a roaring fire!

Siyempre ginagawan na nila ako ng issue diba?! >_<

This is not me. I almost had a nervous breakdown. I am not a people person. Tapos she wants me to organize a meeting with people I don't know? And she even tosses me in a proverbial lion's cage with people I don't know kahit names man lang?

Sobrang stressful.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Point of Insanity

I've been on this road before, and it's not the last time I'll be walking on it again.

Sometimes, it drives a mind insane when you have to think about something, or someone, so much. Thinking is good, don't get me wrong. But is there a method to the madness to think of the smallest things, the tiniest of details, for fear of missing a point? I know. I remember. There were days when I couldn't think of any other thing except for the few words that she had so casually uttered- so carelessly let fly. It's insanity. It's insanity to try dissecting every little bit of what she said in a message.. was the first letter capitalized? Was there a smiley face at the end? How many? Did it end in elipses? What was she saying before she said goodnight? Was it just 'gnyt'? Or 'nyt'? Or was it the whole word?...

Believe me, that's insanity right there. I've been through it. And I'm not betting that I won't go through it again.. I'd just lose. They say that being in-love and being insane are not at all different, when they register in the brain. And perhaps love does bring a certain insanity about. Isn't it insane when a person's entire happiness lies on the actions of another single person? Isn't it insane when you can hear voices in your head telling you things coming from your heart? Isn't it insane when you actually believe that your heart is breaking? Or when you believe that you can fly? Or that the whole world is shattering? Or that you can't think of anything else besides her? Or that, just being with her brings about a period of such mania that leads to a high? Or when you think something bad happened, the mania is suddenly replaced by a very long depression curable only by her? Isn't it insane to feel that without her, there's no point to life? Tell me.. isn't that insanity?

"It is, I think, that we are all so alone in what lies deepest in our souls, so unable to find the words, and perhaps the courage to speak with unlocked hearts, that we don't know at all that it is the same with others."