Amiss

Something is strangely amiss and I can't quite put a finger on it. I haven't been myself for quite a while. I don't know if anyone notices, but I do. Sometimes. It feels strange not to feel the same as you once had. Its a bit confusing too. Maybe its an identity crisis, I don't know. Or maybe this is just a passing phase, I can't be certain. All I know is, I'm slowly losing bits and pieces of who I was before - and it's scares the hell out of me. I'm not against change, but this is happening too fast, assuming this really is change. I look back to my early years and I can see things in me now that weren't there before. And things that I had, have seemingly vanished. Something is missing, everything's out of place, I can't stop worrying, I'm not quite myself these days. (hey! that one rhymed!)

All these might seem like idle chatter to all of you, but it's of great importance to me. Something just isn't quite as it used to be.. And I might go crazy trying to figure out what it is...

Torpe..

I remember this song that Mic introduced me to last year. He said then that he had a perfect song for me, all the while grinning mischievously. So I listened to it. But as soon as I heard the first few lines, I realized that I made a mistake in agreeing to hear it. It really was a heavy blow to my ego, having a song, made by someone, that completely describes my situation and goes about telling me what I already know, and yet am afraid to do. Anyway, here's the song:

Torpe Song #5
Kung di ngayon kailan pa,
Bukas o makalawa
Baka pa makawala pa
Naiparating mo na ba,
Naihayag mo na ba
Nakapagtapat ka na ba, ano ba?
Di n'ya malalaman, di mahuhulaan
damdamin mo
Kung di sasabihin,
Kaya nga't sabihin mo na
Maypa tulatula pa, di naman nya nabasa
Baka pa matulala ka
Pag may ibang pumorma mauunahan ka pa
baka mag mukha kang tanga, diba!
Di n'ya malalaman, di mahuhulaan damdamin mo
Kung di sasabihin, kaya nga't sabihin mo na
Sige na, lakad na sugod na baka mawala pa
Kayang kaya mo yan
Sige na, lakad na sugod na kapal mukha na
Kayang kaya mo yan
Sige na, lakad na sugod na, baka sagutin ka,
sana nga oh sana, kayang kaya mo yan...

I was really surprised because EVERY line was so real to me.. well maybe not the part where it says, "kayang kaya mo yan.." Hehe. I still don't believe I can do it.
Stupid memories, can't even leave me in peace..

Cyrano de Bergerac

This past week was really riddled by tests and reports. Thankfully, tapos na. So this coming week, I want to do something fun, like maybe live a little. I've decided that I'm going to watch the Sibol play, Cyrano de Bergerac. Back when I was in highschool, I really loved that particular play. In fact, I think I saw it 7 or 8 times! What made me watch it that much? Perhaps its that I can somehow relate with Cyrano. Cyrano has a really large nose, and so he believes that he has to perform well enough in anything so that the spotlight will be in his talents and not on his nose. All he's really doing is hiding what he doesn't want others to see. But then, aren't we all hiding something? And the worst thing about it is that he's in love with this girl, but is too ashamed of his nose. So he passes his words to Christian and she eventually falls in love with him. And poor Cyrano, what he must have felt then! Many times, I just stay quiet and watch things unfold. Unfortunately for me, doing so means that there won't be any doors opening for me. I can't even tell those who I care for...

Anyway, enough of that! I want to watch Cyrano again. I might go see it this coming Friday. Anyone who wants to come along? I'd hate to watch it alone.. the jokes aren't as fun as when you're laughing with your friends. Sama kayo ok? Tell me na lang.. it's this Friday, 6:30pm. It's a great play, I promise.

Lessons from a Fox

I've been trying to keep myself busy lately so I won't have time to think. Unfortunately, thoughts always come creeping in when you least expect them. So now I'm just gonna let them flow out. But now that I'm here, they won't seem to surface..

I love reading The Little Prince every now and then. And everytime I read it, I notice something new. Perhaps a new idea surfaces, or something I can relate with my life. I really find the book to have deeper meaning than most. One part I fondly remember is the part where the Little Prince met the fox. That chapter had me thinking so hard for days. How could something so simply written have such an effect on me? I know the answer, but I still like to ask the question now and then. What the fox said was very true, "For what you have tamed, you become responsible forever." I've let people tame me, and I'm not quite sure they know. But it's my fault if I get hurt because I allowed them to do so. I willingly let myself be tamed.. knowing full well where it could lead me.

Stat midterms

I just finished my Stat midterms and it was easier than I expected. I thought that it would be more difficult than the 2nd longtest I had last Tuesday. That was really bad. But this one turned out ok, I guess. I'll have to wait for the results though. Despite how bad my Stat class is, I'd still like to thank my teacher. If it wasn't for her boring class and difficult tests, I wouldn't have found the midterms easy, despite only opening my book 30 minutes before the test. Thanks for the hellish subject!

If

IF
by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowances for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

A pleasant surprise.

Today was a breath of fresh air. Japanese and Stat longtests are over and the CS midterms is done. All I'm waiting for now is the Stat midterms on Friday. There's a sense of relief over knowing that something stressful is over...

I'm also quite proud of myself for finishing the Swing sequence in today's ballroom practice. But perhaps I still need a LOT of work before I get anywhere, as Mic and Char would testify to it. I was really so clueless that Char did all the leading and I followed as best as I could with my two left feet. But it was fun nonetheless. Anyway, let me expound on this a bit more. I really don't know anything about dancing, that's why I never got to the point of learning it. Plus, I easily get distracted by music and people, so that's unfortunate too since dancing involves both. And having spent a great deal of my early years in an all-boys grade school and high school, I do get uneasy when it comes to "contact" with the other half of the population. But despite all these apprehensions, I still want to learn a bit of it. And having experienced some of it today, I'd say that it was really quite fun. Now I know why people like to dance. It's... exhilirating, especially getting the moves just right. I hope I really do learn. It's also a way of conquering some of my fears. I'm looking forward to the next session. Maybe I'll have better luck then? Haha.

Hmm... something very interesting happened today. An unexpected surprise. Was it fate? Well this was one day I'm glad fate intervened. It was a pleasant surprise, and one that I will definitely remember. Hehehe. I bet this would brighten up my day for days to come.

A passing thing..

Life is a passing thing they say. And I can see that somehow. Everything is in constant change, and sometimes I find it hard to follow. What "used to be", today isn't. What "wasn't then" is now. My surroundings change, people change, grades CONSTANTLY change, nothing stays the same for long. And it's easy to get lost in all these changes. Very soon, Colayco will be demolished, and I would then be "homeless" (Won't anyone adopt me?). In a few months, my sophomore year will end. In a year, I'll be 21. In a decade, I'd be working (I hope!). In a century, I'd be dead.
It's very easy to let the current take you - all you have to do is let go. But there is no way of telling where it will carry you; whether it takes you to open sea, or through turbulent rapids, or calm lakes, shallow streams, underground cisterns, or drop you down a waterfall.

Right now, I don't know where I'm at. The daily "up's" and "down's" I experience don't seem that lively anymore. I'm reduced to letting myself be carried away by an unrelenting current. If only someone would reach out to show me life above the water again - to see the sky and breathe the air. Or else I'm just a passing thing....

Death Passing

I thought I had the worst of the day already. It turns out that wasn't it. There were more, but I won't dwell on those things here. There's another place for that.
I'm reminded of death again. My brother's classmate just passed away, and my brother was hit really hard. It pains me to see other people cry or feel sad, especially if they are people I know. The death was so sudden that it certainly caught everyone by surprise. It was aneurysim.
It made me think about how frail life is.. again. And of my own mortality. I don't enjoy dwelling on death, but the events of today made me. I sometimes wonder how death would claim me, when it eventually does. I may sometimes dream of living forever, but I'm not that crazy to believe it would really happen.
When I die, would I die peacefully or go down fighting? Would I die old in bed, or young and healthy? It might not be for a very long time, but then again, it may be tomorrow. And when I die, will anyone even miss me... much less shed a tear?

..

AAAAAaaaaaaaarrrrggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, STUPID!!!...worthless incompetent pea-brained twit!! Just throw away that moronic imbecile of a brain and go do something less pathetic! Honestly, if you just passed the paper without even bothering to answer, you might have gotten a better grade. And not have wasted an hour and a half of your time. Fool.. and you call yourself competent..
Stupid Mike....
When the hell will you ever f****** learn!!

Today

Today was unlike any of my previous Saturdays simply because I did something else instead of watching TV all day - stuck at home.

I went to school around 9:00am to attend our block's make-up LS11 class by sir Agtarap. He lectured until around 10:30 and then gave a 20-point quiz.(He usually gives 10-point quizzes) I think I did rather well on that quiz, maybe an 18 or a 19. That's good enough for me considering my quizzes had been on a steady decline since the sem began. What started out as 9's and 8's quickly degraded to 7's, 5's, even up to 2's for a couple of quizzes. Hopefully, the 18 or 19 from this one ends that downward spiral. Moving on...

I went to Colayco afterwards(11:00) and came upon Jic, the brother of Mic. After leaving our bags in the ASEC/Celadon room, we walked to the caf to grab some food. While passing in front of the "doghouse" on the way to the caf, we came upon Charlotte and this was the conversation that ensued:

*Char sees us walking*
*I wave at her*
Char: Hey Mike! Hey Mic!
Me: Hey!
Char: Ay di pala si Mic.
Jic: Huh?!
*Jic looks confused*
Jic: Hindi ko naman kamukha si Mic ah! Kamukha ko ba talaga?
Me: Yeah, may resemblance kayo, hehe.
(This was what I remembered. Might not be the exact words, but the gist is the same.)

Apparently, Char didn't know Jic so she thought that he was Mic. Hehe, so funny. Lagot ka Char, hehe. Anyway, moving on...

At around 1:00pm, I went to Faura for my Th121 recollection. It was rather... strange attending a recollection again. It had been too long since I last spoke to God...
I ended at around 5:00pm. Moving on...

While walking towards gate 2.5, I came upon some people playing soccer in the college field. When I got closer, it turned out they were my fencing buddies. They saw me and invited me to come join them. So despite me wearing jeans and really loose shoes, I played. It was a very good game. I really missed the good old days when my highschool classmates and I would play. Everyone's so busy now that we seldom do. Anyway, my shoes came flying off several times during the game, which was really funny according to my friends. But I did manage to score a goal. Woohoo! It was tiring, but reaaalllyyy, extremely fun. I want to play some more soon. Anyone wanna join in? Hehe. The game ended at 6:15, and I went on my way home again. This time, I did get home. End of Adventure.

It was a fun day. I wonder when I'll get another one like it..

Helpless

Hmm.. how do I begin... well, I should start by saying that I feel so helpless. Helpless in the sense that I feel useless... It's all too evident that I have so many problems, worries, and fears to deal with. I can't say that I'm good at managing them. The truth is, I'm horrible when it comes to dealing with my emotions. But there is one thing I always wish I'd never have to deal with, and that's the thought of being helpless, useless, or powerless to do anything that mattered to me.

I have problems, the same with everyone else. I know how tough life can get, and how much pain it could bring. And somehow, I don't want the people I know to go through them alone. That is why I feel helpless. How do I help them if they don't ask? I know I can't change the world by myself, but I can help those around me, those people I know. If only they'd just ask.

For all of you who read this, I want you all to know that I'm right here. It sounds cheezy, I know. I just want to help you, my friends,.. because you've all done a lot to help me get this far. I don't want to feel helpless because I just worry myself to death.

Words are too difficult to work with. I can't even begin to describe the sense of urgency and helplessness I'm feeling right now...

Signs...

Something I thought of and wrote today.

Who are you who comes to haunt me
Who are you who invades my mind
Who are you whom I keep remembering
Who are you whom I seek to find

In the darkness of despair
I turned around to see you there
You bring with you a shining spark
But leave despair as your mark
Yet I cannot seem to turn away
From that beauty you display
And when your visage has passed by
You mark my heart to sink, to die

Who are you who comes to haunt me
Who are you who invades my mind
Who are you whom I keep remembering
Who are you whom I can't seem to find.
-Jan. 20, 2005

I've written a lot recently. And it scares me, for I can only write like this when there is cause... and it's the cause that's frightening...

Something nice I found

I got this from another blog a few days ago. It was so nice that I just thought I'd share it here. I guess this is dedicated to the people who feel the same, but can't find the right words to say it. Hehe, like me.. just kidding! Wahaha.

How can I know what love truly is? I'm scared that what I'm feeling isn't true. But it must be. When I see her, I feel uneasy. I want to stare and lose myself in her eyes and yet I turn away when she looks back. When I see her smile, I can't help but smile myself. And when she goes, I feel something inside me being ripped out. When I don't see her for a time, I get scared, though I really don't know why. When I speak to her, the words seem to have trouble leaving my mouth. When I hear her voice, I can't imagine a sweeter sound. And when she laughs, it's as if nothing in the world could ever go wrong. Everything is perfect around her. And everything else is dull and faded without her presence. Her existence is what gives meaning to my life. And the closer I am to her, the more I realize how beautiful life really is.

It really is something. I like it. I miss the feeling...

Looking Back to Tomorrow

Sometimes I wish that I could manipulate time somehow; shorten hours to seconds and stretch moments to last forever. Sometimes I wish I could step out of my world and look at it in detail from a different perspective, to study it. Maybe then it can give me clues on how to live in it. I've made a lot of mistakes in the past and I'm certain that I'll make more in the future. I've learned a lot about life too, although there are much, much more I still haven't learned. I've been hurt physically, mentally, and emotionally; and that's just the beginning of pain for me. I've made friends and I've lost friends. I've seen good days and I've seen bad days. I've lost hope so many times, and yet I've also found it in the most unlikely places. I've tried to remember every moment I have, and I've also tried to forget them. I've also fallen in love before.. and fallen out of it. And what really both scares me and at the same time brings me a smile, is that these things will happen again. Those feelings and emotions I've experienced before will occur once more.

I'm not afraid of them very much, except for one thing I've never managed to overcome. And that is the pain that falling in love brings. For everything that brings me happiness can also bring me sorrow when whatever it is, is taken away. There are a lot of things I'm afraid of losing, and...
...is one of them.

(clarification: The last line doesn't really denote a person. It might, someday, but I left it blank because there are so many things I can't live without. One of those would be my identity...)

Web

As requested by Chok, an entry on cockroaches.

When we see a cockroach, what comes into our mind? A pest, a nuisance, something to wipe off our shoes when we eventually step on it. But have we ever given any thought as to why there are cockroaches? The funny thing about nature is that she made so many animals, plants, and insects that we barely understand - like the lowly cockroach. Much of all her creations serve no visible use for us, but they were created because they had a purpose. Everything that lives and breathes were designed for something.

The web of life is a vast tapestry of creatures big and small, from the gigantic blue whale to the smallest bacteria. And being a web, all of them are connected. As such, even the cockroach is part of some grand design. There is a law in nature about the survival of the fittest. There is also a concept of a food chain. All of these contribute to the fragile balance that nature tries to maintain.

The cockroach has been around even before the time of the dinosaurs. They are a resilient species, able to survive extreme conditions such as freezing cold and scorching heat. Even enough radiation that would singe our flesh is nothing for a cockroach. They have survived the extinction of the dinosaurs, and with the way they're going, they might long survive us humans too. With a span of existence that long, they're already intricately woven into the web of existence.

We humans usually undermine the value of those we don't understand. We don't know what might happen if cockroaches suddenly die out. Maybe we won't see it immediately, maybe not even for decades to come. But the loss of one of the oldest and most hardy species in the history of our planet might mean something is going on. Like a line of dominos, the fall of one might eventually lead to the fall of all. There are many things we still don't know, and everyday we continue to discover new things. New medicines are being developed from just recently discovered plants in the rainforest. We know so little of our world that do we really risk killing off a single species - even a cockroach?

We know about the interdependence of nature's creations, we know the risk of altering the food chain, we know that everything has some use. We know all these things, but honestly, when we see a cockroach on our path, do we even think about it? We might feel some satisfaction from stepping on a cockroach, and it certainly won't affect our conscience much. But what if that cockroach was the last of it's kind?

We have more to lose from our ignorance than we care to think.

Potential

My LS11 teacher said something earlier today that I'd like to share. He told us that we're here in Ateneo not by accident. Out of 14,000 applicants in my batch, only 1,900 were accepted - a small amount compared to the ones who didn't make it.

It actually made me think about certain things. I hear quite a lot of people complain that some subjects are difficult, some would say they're not smart, even some who would wonder how they managed to get this far. I have those same thoughts myself, sometimes. But then I realized that I'm one of those 1,900 people who got in. There must be something in me that I haven't seen before...

The truth is, all of us who got accepted are smart. There's no such thing as a stupid Atenean, or anyone for that matter. Why we have a hard time is not attributed to our potential but to our habits. We may be lazy, or too stressed out to study, or even uninterested on the subject, that we find it difficult. I've made my own formula for how well we do in any subject, and it's quite simple: 10% potential, 90% work. All of us have that 10% of potential, even more. The problem arises with the 90% that come from work. Everytime we say that we're not smart enough for accounting or statistics or calculus, we're just making excuses for the lack of that 90% and go blaming it on the lack of the 10% potential. We say that because it's easier to say we don't have it in us than admit that we just didn't do our best.

We may make mistakes, but that's a given already. What is important is that we learn from them and not give up. As Thomas Edison said, he didn't make 50,000 mistakes, he discovered 50,000 ways that wouldn't work.

Everyone has potential - some a bit more than others. But all that potential is wasted if we don't use it. As sir Tatot said during the LDP, we are here not only for ourselves, but also for those who aren't. And if we waste our time here, then we would also have wasted the chance to learn here - the chance those other 12,100 didn't get because of us.

Paradox

The paradox of falling in love is that it is not by your choice. It just happens, that's why they call it "falling." You can't choose when it'll happen. It just does. And when it does, then you better be ready for the landing.

Haha, that pretty much sums it up. I've had a few broken bones already. Maybe I should start bringing a parachute... lol.

Hmm, guess I have nothing more to say.

Wish list

List of things I want to accomplish within the next 5 years:
1. Learn to drive
2. Learn to dance
3. Get an A in school
4. Be in the Dean's List
5. Paint something really nice
6. Get back together with my entire high school class
7. Learn how to do flips, and be able to do them
8. Ride a jetski
9. Learn how to play tennis
10. Learn to play an instrument

Those were the "ordinary" stuff. The next list is quite different. I wouldn't exactly say it's impossible, but I have doubts as to how it could happen. Anyway, here are the "other" things I want to accomplish(no time limit):
1. Have my very own island
2. Build my own castle
3. Have my very own art exhibit
4. Learn 5 more different languages
5. Learn to fly a plane
6. Walk on the moon
7. Win a Nobel prize award
8. Fall in love without getting hurt :)
9. Have someone who will love me back
10. Get married and live happily ever after, the end. (haha)

It's nice to dream every once in a while. It helps the mind unwind, except maybe when I got to #s 8, 9, and 10 on the second list. Those last 3 are probably the least possible of events happening to me... waaa, better snap out of it. Don't want to sink again, not when I'm already floating high on the water.

Weekend... continued...

After 4 hours of sleep, I should be writing more coherently now.

To continue, my weekend was fun. I haven't had this much fun since I can remember. Anyway, "fun" may be a very weak word to describe it now, compared to my current mood. For the first time in a while, I'm actually feeling rather positive! It may not last very long, but I'm savoring it while it's here. You can't begin to imagine how light I feel. It seems that I feel more alive the more time I spend with friends. It may be because I find in them certain qualities that I don't have, yet they exude so much that I manage to absorb some of it for a short time. Even better than being able to spend time with my friends, I actually got to make more friends(I hope!). The only challenge for me now is not forgetting their names (Sadly, I already forgot some. Sorry.), since I have such a poor memory for recalling names. Some of the names I do remember are: Char, Charlotte, Francis, Galvin, Harold, Kim, Kira, Queen, Vincent,... ok, so I did forget quite a few already. I'm sorry guys. But I'm happy to say that all of you(including the ones I failed to mention because I forgot your names. Sorry again.) have contributed to my very happy weekend that I'm sure I won't soon forget.

For now, let this just be a tribute to those people who made my weekend a pleasant and enjoyable one. Thanks guys. You don't know how much I appreciate being able to smile again and actually feel it.

Thank you also to the people I already know. Hehe, surely you won't think I've forgotten about you guys. Take care.

-Michael
(No more split personalities. Gerard is hereby re-absobed into my subconcious.)

Weekend...

I'll try to be as coherent as possible since I haven't slept for the past 29 hours...

I just came home from the Leadership Development Program of Celadon, at least the first part of it. It was very tiring, but fun nonetheless. As any leadership seminar goes, it gave important info on becoming a good leader, among other stuff. What I really enjoyed from it were the different experiences and nice insights.

First of all, the best thing the LDP gave me was the chance to meet new people, and I met quite a lot (although I'm really very bad with remembering names and I probably don't remember more than half the names I should). Very nice people, they were. And it was quite a big step for me since I'm what you could call "quiet." The truth is, I'm surprised myself. I'm not a very "people" person so I have a hard time talking to others whom I don't know yet, thus giving me trouble with making friends. Fortunately for me, a lot of people I met were so nice and open that I didn't have trouble making friends with them.

The second best thing the LDP gave me is a collection of insights that are really quite... insightful. It made me see almost everything in a new light. I learned that the reason we're a poor country is that there are many things we can do, but that we are too afraid to attempt it. It makes me think of the many wasted opportunities I've had. In a sense, it is true. I tend to spend too much time "thinking" and not enough time to actually "doing."

I better cut it here for now. I can barely keep my eyes open and my head is already dipping every so often. I'm going to rest for a while.

-Michael

Fears

I'm scared about a lot of things, though I won't usually admit it. But what really frightens me is uncertainty. I don't like being "not sure," it scares me. That's why I try to avoid uncertainty as much as I can. But then, it's uncertainty that always finds me.

-Michael

Time

I've decided to write about such a mundane thing as time.

A lot of people take it for granted, but it may be one of the most important things we have - and we really don't have that much of it. We may live for up to 100 years, and yet that span of time is but an infinitesimal flash compared to eternity. What then would be the point of living if it's as insignificant as that?

What is time anyway? It's a concept that we ourselves created to quantify the intangibility of our existence. We use it as a primary measure of life. We count the time we exist in this world and put it in our gravestones. We created time to be able to control our lives. We live by schedules and appointments. We consider a full life a long one. But the thing is, we really can't take hold of time. No matter how much we try, time will always prevail. Cultures and civilizations have been faded by time before. Like a grindstone, it turns everything to dust - eventually. Time is one thing we don't have any hold over, despite our attempts to quantify it with terms like seconds, minutes, years, millenia. We can't stop it either. It keeps on flowing, and will keep on flowing long after our sun has burned up and the earth is turned to dust.

So the question remains of our existence. Why do we live if we're going to die anyway? What is it that we're meant to do in the interim between birth and death? Well, the answer may be as complicated or as simple as we're willing to spend time thinking on it. A bolt of lightning exists for a fraction of a second. It ceases to exist moments after it is born. But in that moment of its life, it shines very brightly, illuminating the sky. And even after its death, its thunder is still heard. And anything it has struck will have been changed. It may start a wildfire that clears an entire forest; it may crack open a huge tree; it may carve a piece out of a building; it may strike a person dead.

We humans are similar to lightning in a sense. Despite our brief flash of existence, we do more to everything around us than what a lone bolt can dream of. We change lives of those around us. And after we have died, most would leave a rolling thunder that would echo in generations to come.

We may be brief flashes compared to eternity, but those flashes shine for all their worth and burn with such intensity that they give light and warmth to the otherwise cold and dark passage of time.

-Michael Gerard(I'm back)

Same old ghosts

I'm having trouble balancing schoolwork and other stuff again. Whenever I step up at something, it seems that I lose control of another. I've had three Ec102 quizzes go bad because I concentrated on CS21b. I've lost control of my Th121 performance, fell behind my JSP1, and spiraling to oblivion in my LS11. Why can't I get a grip on things? I need to regain my hold on Ec102, or else I'll lose my possibly only chance for an "A" and I have to stabilize my LS11 that's dying on me.

With all these problems in my studies, I wonder if I'm even up for other tasks and responsibilities. I'm being directed to run for VP for Documentations in ASEC by my fellow EB members and I'm being encouraged to try for a managerial spot in Celadon as well. It may be a good chance to develop my skills and potential, but it may very well blow up in my face too. Tough decisions. And I'm not used to making any.

I remember what my physics teacher said back in highschool, "pressure is necessary to form coals into diamonds." How much pressure can I take? I might just break before anything happens. But I can't let other people down. I don't want to be the reason for their downfall. I'll just have to work harder and keep pushing myself. I do hope I'm doing the right thing.

On another note, I think I'm sinking into something again. I don't know what it is, but it's all too familiar. I remember reading that the only way for one to truly experience something is for one to experience the opposite of it first. Taking that into context, I really can't say that I'm sad and depressed because I haven't felt happy for a long time. I've always been depressed to some level or degree that I'm somewhat jaded to the feeling already - it's just part of life now. What's new is that I'm tired. I'm tired of always feeling that I'm at the bottom of my barrel. I'm tired of being indifferent to happiness. I'm just tired... Things like that just eat you up inside until you're all hollow and devoid of feeling. You know how pain would numb after some time? It's something similar to that. I'm already numb, and now I'm tired of it. Tired of the monotony of it all. Tired of going through the same thing day-in and day-out, every single day. *sigh*

These are some things that haunt me for the moment. There may be more, but I can't tell one from the other while they're whirling inside me. I wish I could just release them all...

-Michael

Words...

Straight ahead of oneself, one cannot go very far...
- The Little Prince

"...This wasn't the first time, I realized. I've been discarded before, or forgotten, but not like this. It was like I only had use when people are feeling generous with their words and company..."
- Episode 21: Eventual Silence, R06 "Notebook"

-Michael

Personal poems

Sting of Time
July 6, 2003

Memories
Forgotten memories,
Long lost within the mind.
They surge up through the deep abyss
To smother all my thoughts
To extinguish all my dreams
To keep me on the brink of sleep
And haunt me as it seems.
They sing of countless failures,
They dance to broken hearts,
They frolic on my misery
And just won't let me be.
And in the guise of joy,
I opened my arms to woe.
I hugged so tight
I never felt the dagger hit me so.
And as I stand here bleeding,
A heartbeat from collapse
Where one strong gust can knock me down
And never let me up,
I see the world around me
Unveiled for one last time
And with it all the glory
I never seem to find.

Tears of the Moon
March 1, 2003

When the day has finally ended
And the sun has fallen from the sky,
The moon shall rise before me
And greet me with a sigh,
For she has seen the sorrow
That has visited my eye,
And though she tries to hide it,
It was clear that she did cry.
So for the tears, I thank thee,
O moon up there so high
And pray you won't be saddened more
If my heart should ache to die.

-Michael

Origins

When I first made this blog, I didn't mean for it to be so... dreary. I wanted something I could proudly show-off to everyone. Something that would speak of who I am - an electronic reflection of myself. But I never got what I hoped for. Instead, my blog entries turned out to be a series of bleak thoughts and unsaid words,... far from what I intended.

Now that it's here, I'm not so sure if I can still hold my head up high knowing that others may see my flaws and faults that I myself have admitted in these entries. But when I think about it again, maybe it was supposed to be like this. I wanted to show who I am and this is the result. Perhaps this is who I am. I had wanted to show a "clean-cut" picture of myself, but the real "me" is not as simple, not as good, not as nice, not as ordinary as I wanted people to see. I can't really say I'm proud of it, but I do have to accept it.

I've learned of a great many types of people. In fact, there is no "true type." Everyone can't be written of as a "type" - it just doesn't work that way. But what I can say is, different people respond differently to others. I can't expect people to treat me as they would other people, or how I expected to be treated. But I keep forgetting that often enough. Equality in that sense is bound to perception. Definitions of it is determined by each individual. So really, I can't complain, because others might not see it as I do.

Ultimately, I'm not sure what I should be writing here. I want to write as much of my perception as I can, but at the same time, I wouldn't want to write something that would alter the perceptions of others against people or issues I may mention. After all, Freedom of Speech may allow you to say what you want, but you still have to be responsible for what you say, as many people all too often forget.

Not that it matters, since so few pass by.

-Michael
(Gerard seems to be missing...)

Unwell - Matchbox 20

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

Well, maybe I am unwell... or just going crazy over my lack of control on events that revolve around my tiny world. Control is nice... and I don't have it right now. Too many things left to the wind to decide. Remain? Change? Blown away?

-Michael

Faded Cloud

I was watching something on TV last night. It was about super structures that engineers plan on building in the future; tall buildings reaching out to the clouds as far as the eye can see... I voiced out aloud that I wanted to do something like that; design something as grand.

My dad replied, "hay, tama na. Paano mo yan magagawa? Wala ka naman ginagawa kung hindi maglaro ng computer at manood ng TV."

Frankly, I don't think my parents believe I can do anything. Although they don't say it outright, most of what they do say would sound something similar to the one above everytime I tell them what I want to do. In fact, "computer games" are one of the most common things they blame for almost everything they don't like in me. With so much negativity flying around, I'm surprised any dream managed to take a foothold.

Unfortunately, my confidence has slowly been diminishing. Every remark like that makes it weaker and weaker. Sometimes, I come to a point where I even doubt myself. I come to a point where I don't trust my abilities.

It used to be that I had so many dreams back then. That was when I could draw whenever I wanted. I didn't have to wait for "inspiration," there was no need. I had an optimistic view of the world. Everything was possible, doable, just waiting to be done. It might have been my brain maturing, or something else... but now, I'm a realist. The possibilities aren't quite endless anymore. Things had limits. People cannot fly by themselves and I will never own my own country. Things like that are for fairytales... I can't draw as much anymore. Now I need to be in the right frame of mind to do so. So what happened to me between then and now?

Well,...

Life happened.

I've been told so many times what I cannot do, that there are so many things I really can't do... or won't... because I believe them enough when they told me that I'll fail if I continue. Life has covered my world with ashes from my burned dreams that it doesn't quite shine anymore... not like before. It's dull and gray and faded, and no matter what I do, I can't get it to glow like it used to.

And all that because someone started telling me what I cannot do.

-Michael

Nonsense

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
but I only slept with you, because I was pissed

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
These describe everything you're not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped on to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Wandering...

Sometimes, certain events or things get me thinking... now is one of those times. I can't really focus on a certain thought; I just let my mind wander off. Somehow, it has managed to land on the topic of friendship.

Why is it that some people seem to get along better than others? I know that it has something to do with personality and everything, but why is that? Why is it that some people who've known each other for a long time aren't as close as some people who've only known each other for a short time? Why are there such things as "rank" given to people such as acquaintance, friend, close friend, best friend, buddy, pal, confidant, equal, colleague, etc, etc, etc. It would seem as if friendships were so political to have that many different words describing it and it existing on so many levels. Sometimes, I wonder what level I'm on... Am I treading in the shallows? Or have I drowned in the deep end?

-Michael

Relax Mike. Don't think too hard on things. It's just the vodka driving your thoughts...

-Gerard

Happy New Year!

I'd like to thank everyone for the wonderful year I've had. It wouldn't have been the same without any of you guys. Thank you, thank you so much. Every one of you has contributed so much to who I am. Thank you to all my friends who supported me in whatever I needed support in; family who are always there despite arguments; cousins, though far away; people I've seen and met along the year; and especially the people who've given me such colorful memories, some of grief, despair, sorrow, joy, anger, loneliness, and everything else. Even though some of you I barely know or knew, the fact that you were there at that moment in my life is now part of me. I thank you for who I am.

This year, 2005, I hope you all the best. May you all find happiness without compromising the happiness of others. I'll try to always be here, if any of you need me. Cheers!

-Michael Gerard