Batman began

WOW!!!

***

I'm kind of happy. Something unexpected..

People

As each day passes, I get to learn new things. Some aren't so obvious as others, but I know that I'm learning nonetheless. I think I understand a little more of the workings of the world, and though I still can't explain a lot of things, some are becoming clearer, if just for a while.

If there's one thing that makes me happy, it's meeting people. There's just something exciting about it. Whether they're people I haven't seen for quite a while or people I've met for the first time, I can't help but be happy. This realization came as a shock to me, to say the least. A few years ago, I wouldn't have thought I'd have said this. Things do change, I keep telling myself.

Socials

Another experience to write about. Another instance where my brain fails to flow freely. I should have a lot to write about, but I can't think or decide or come up with a nice enough flow of thought to write. The act of actually organizing thoughts into coherent sentences seem to jumble them up all the more. But I'll try my best.

Let's see..
I'm in this state wherein everything is a haze; surreal. Something like a high, but not quite. I seem to get this everytime I go on an overnight or an event where I meet a lot of people. Or both. Coincidentally, I just came from such an event. Who would've guessed. I already have a theory as to why it happens. One, maybe it's the lack of sleep I get on an overnight event. Two, maybe I just get overwhelmed easily when I meet up with people, much more so if there are a lot of people. After all, I didn't get that much exposure before. I'm not saying that this state is bad. It actually is good, I guess. From my perspective at least, it makes me unwind on work, but at the same time, another facet builds up. Oh well, everything has to balance out anyway. This "haze" might disappear in a few days, or even as early as tomorrow. I don't really know. It'll go when it does.

Information overload? Yep. Too many names to remember. Too many names to connect to faces. Too many faces to recall. To many of everything. But it's all fun. I'd rather have trouble remembering faces and names than not having anything to remember at all. As I said before, the more friends I have, the better off I should be.

I thought I was an introvert before. Maybe I still am; I doubt it changed. But even introverts need to have people around them. After all, people are social beings.

New Beginnings

I saw a lot of fresh new faces today. Hmm.. I wonder how many of them I'll get to meet. A lot of new people brings a lot of new chances to make friends. A lot of new opportunities too. If I'm planning to get to know a lot of them, then I better start early. Hehe. There are a few I'd really like to "meet" though. Hehe. I hope I meet "them." Forgive me for being a bit vague, but I think you can guess what I mean. Anyways, I'm getting excited already. Nothing is so exciting as meeting new people and the possibility of acquiring new friends. Ofcourse, some of those may not last that long; some may get stunted at some point. But still, there are rare instances, a small chance, that I may find very. very good friends. And that possibility more than makes up for the ones that will most likely fail.

Worse than I thought

It's worse than I thought. I realized that I easily snap at the simplest of things now. This is getting weird. And here I thought I was cool-tempered and stoic. Better stand back people. I haven't seen myself like this before and I don't know what may happen.

What made me change all of a sudden? Well, not really very suddenly, I think. Just didn't notice it, that's all. Things aren't looking so well...

Broken things

You know that feeling where everything doesn't seem to go your way, at all? I seem to be getting that a lot lately. Lots of things don't add up, and what's making it worse is that I don't know what to do about any of it. I admit that some of these are out of my hands, but I still don't like not being able to do anything about it. I don't like feeling helpless, but that's exactly what's happening.

How do you let go of something you never really had a grip on in the first place?

How do you fix something you don't understand?

Why does everything seem to break too often?

Why won't things work as planned?

Are the choices I've made worth it?

How can I tell...?

This isn't really helping. Too many stuff to shut-up about.

Numb

Sablay nanaman..

When you've lived a life full of disappointments and pain, you begin to feel numb to it. Disappointments aren't so hard to swallow; pain isn't so difficult to ignore. And the future turns into a bleak vision of an endless river of suffering. What's one more disappointment? What's one more failure? What's one more stab at the core when you've faced countless ones before?

Some say each experience is unique, bringing with it it's own blend of feelings. But those are just the first few ones. Once you look back after a couple more instances, all you can remember is the collective hurt - all those feelings generalized into one convenient emotional scar, a constant source of remembered pain. It's something that needs to be constantly refilled with new agonies and let-downs, lest they gently fade away and take with them the protection of the numbness they bring.

Numbness can indeed dampen the sharpness of negative events. But it also diminishes the feeling of positive ones as well. It's like a wall that indiscriminately protects our emotional core, a scab that covers the wound. And yet the reduced sensation of anything might make us.. cold, distant, remote.. devoid of emotion.

There has to be a balance somewhere.

A tiny thought

I'm not a very happy person. And I get reminded about that every so often. I guess it's because I'm pessimistic about a lot of things; very pessimistic. I do laugh and smile occasionally, but not too often. I'm just perpetually like that. I probably had enough of my bad experiences and decided that everything will eventually turn out bad so why bother hoping otherwise. I'm just ranting...

How is importance measured? It's different for each individual right? But there must be some common factor for determining what's important. A basis for our decisions, actions, and outcomes. Things don't just happen. Decisions don't appear out of nowhere. Outcomes don't preordain themselves - or do they?

I have to reevaluate what I consider important and secondary. There's just so many things that need attention. A lot of work, tasks, assignments, duties, promises, oaths... one could get lost doing all these things. There's also another important aspect - self. I've jumped at so many duties and work that I've pushed aside myself. Maybe that's why I'm getting burned out even after classes. A line has to be drawn somewhere, and yet I can't forget the promises I've already made, the duties I have to do, and the tasks that need to be finished.

I've been honest about my shortcomings. I don't deny that I'm lazy, or that I cram a lot. I've been known to get annoyed at the simplest of things, though not a lot of people have seen me in that state. (And pray you don't.) As I've stated, I'm pessimistic. I lack confidence in myself and my output. I'm not very good at communicating to people. And I'm quite horrible at remembering names. But this is me. I've accepted how some people are the way they are, although I still question why sometimes. I just hope people can see beyond all my faults and see me for who I am. I'm not going to elaborate on that, my lack of optimism may prove to be quite detrimental to what I may say.