Unfortunate

I once saw a friend outside school, and I realized I haven't seen the person for quite a while. I've known the person for a long time now, and yet, it seems we hardly knew each other at all. Why is that? I've known others for a far lesser amount of time, and yet some of them are closer to me than this person that I saw. I just find it so unfortunate. This seems like a vaguely familiar topic, and it is. I've written about how people develop friendships with each other and how some don't quite work so well. I've written and thought about it so many times. But I'm still far from finding the reasons why they happen. I haven't even begun scratching the surface.

What can I do about it? I don't know. I feel like a leaf getting blown through the air in this. I have no control of where I'm going and I have no way of telling how long I'll be flying. What happens in that span of time is different each time that there's no way of knowing the correct path until you've gone through it.

Looking back to that event, I'm now wondering how many times I passed by someone and didn't bother waving at the person. How many friends do I have, that have become strangers to me? How many people have I forgotten, their names buried in memories and time?

Everything.zip

A lot of things are going on in my mind right now, and only a fraction of which are vaguely logical in nature. This always seems to happen to me every now and then, usually during crunch time when all the projects and deadlines pile up. Information overload? Yep. Just like what Jaime mentioned before, the lectures are being fed to us in zip files - there's just not enough time. Mabuti sana kung yun lang iniisip ko diba? Far from it. There are other things that are craving for brain space, other things that the brain is poorly designed to handle, other things that require some.. reflecting.

I have so many things to think about that I feel as if I'm going to explode. There is really a need for me to talk to someone - anyone really, unfortunately, that's one of my "concerns" too. Is it fear? Haha. Yeah, to some extent. I'm worried of the consequences if other people knew every little thing about me, even the things that go on in my mind. I can just ignore it, but it'll come back.

The smooth, calm surface of water may hide violent currents raging underneath. A thick morning fog may hide the vast destruction of a battlefield. The stillness of the air may mask the incoming hurricane. The unmoving ground may hide the quickening of sand. A lot of things are not as they seem. And a smile can surely hide the hollowness within.

Mercurial

I have this strange feeling. Maybe it's because of the unbearable weather, or the stress of schoolwork, or the daily droning of life, but whatever it is, it's making me think and act a bit differently. You might say that it's even giving me new thoughts, or at the very least I can sense that it's making my mind wander somewhat. Hmm, perhaps "wandering" is a good word to use, but not quite "it."

Summer has been an unbelievably busy - and short - span of time. I might not have had time to take in everything that has happened. That might be the reason I'm not feeling "right." I'm not sick or anything, mind you, just feeling some weird feeling. I wouldn't say it's sadness or depression, not quite. And it's not quite melancholy nor apathy either. Maybe if you take all of those together and put in some more other stuff, maybe that would be it.

As a result, the best description of what I'm feeling right now is not really very clear at all. If I could sum it all up, I'm feeling...

...forgotten. Not really in the context of the meaning of the word, but more of the word itself. I told you it wasn't very clear.

Serious and Silly

There are times when we try to forget some things that happened in the past. Reasons vary, but the act of forgetting is the same. We try to remove it from our minds; not to think about it; but when faced with what we try to forget, we realize deep inside that we can never quite completely erase it from our minds. If it's a specially significant experience, then it gets burned in the mind. Sometimes we just try to ignore it, feign indifference. But no matter how much apathy we throw at it, how much we tell ourselves, "I don't care," it stares back at us and we know that we can't push it away forever.

Some things we just have to face.

But not now, not yet.

*******

Lined up for an hour for an advisement that took only a minute to finish... what a waste of time..

Speaking of advisement, I'm dead. And what's worse is, I'm responsible for it. I took a class that promises to be quite.. difficult. That's in addition to an already heavy 1st sem. I should've picked the easier elective, like everyone else.. "two roads diverged in a wood and I, I picked the one less traveled by.." and that may very well lead to my doom.

School of Life

Some things happen for no apparent purpose until you look back one day and realize that if it didn't happen as it did, your whole life would've been completely different.

Sometimes it's a good thing, sometimes it's a bad thing, but you wouldn't really know until some time has passed. You really just have to make do with what happens the best you can. It may be an awkward moment, a crucial turning point, an important decision, a stressful experience, a tearful night - even just a daily occurrence that happened a bit differently. Most people take everyday stuff for granted. Or even normal things. Additional work might not mean much now, but might be what determines how responsible you become in the future. A simple conversation with an acquaintance might lead to doors opening in the future. The thing with life is that it isn't predictable. But at the same time, it doesn't leave us to fend for ourselves without some "training." Although some are trained more than others. Daily experiences train us on how to respond and react to what happens around us. How we respond to small challenges determine what we do when big ones arrive. There is a precursor to everything.

I guess all I'm really trying to say is that, we should try to learn as much as we can. And not to take anything for granted. Who knows, what we pass off as useless stuff now may one day prove to be quite invaluable.

Life constantly gives us lessons. Some are easy, some are difficult. It's up to us to learn as much from them to make the succeeding ones a bit easier. Because no one knows just when an exam might suddenly pop up.

Stories

Sometimes, I feel like writing a book about my life. I wonder what kind of book it would be? Would it be a drama, or a comedy? Action or suspense, long or short, exciting or boring. I guess it would be all those things since I've gone through every one of them. Life is.. complicated like that. Maybe I'll try it one day, write a book about my life. My greatest fear though is when I finally get to read it, that I'd get disappointed. I know I've had regrets, but what if my story turned out to be one big regretful tale? I don't think i can stand that. I just wish that when it's finished, I'd have a book that I can proudly show others as a testament to who I was - who I am.

I'm sometimes envious of characters in movies. Most of them have their happy endings, where everything works out for them in the end. But Life isn't like that at all. There are no villains or heroes in life, no clear-cut good and bad. If that were so, then there would be a lot of conflict since every person would have their own story to tell. Movies are so simple.. A movie ends after two hours or so, but life continues. People die, but life goes on. Perhaps that's what makes life much more interesting than movies - you can't predict what will happen next. There's no plot, no rising action, no single climax, and no predictable ending no matter how inevitable it may be. Life is not a movie, but sometimes I sure wish it is.

But there's no way I can remember everything that happened in my life. So I'd need help in creating my book. I'd really appreciate it if anyone could share to me their memories of who I am. After all, it takes other people to peer inside oneself, from a different view.

It doesn't matter what you tell me, as long as you do.

Reason for Tears

What makes you cry?

There are many things I encounter in life that merit such action. For me, it really isn't bad. There are just some very sad events, or stories, or days.. and you just can't help it. There are also happy moments, but they don't happen much, so you can't help but cry too. We are all affected differently by what happens. Some people are easier swayed to shed their tears than others. As for me, I don't really cry a lot. I've learned when I was a kid how not to cry in response to physical pain. And as I grew older, I learned how not to cry at emotional pain too. You could say that I got used to it. But that doesn't make me immune to feeling like I want to cry. It's just that when I try to, no tears would seem to flow. I even actually thought that I had forgotten how to. But I was reminded not so recently that I still hadn't forgotten how to shed my tears..

So what makes me feel like crying? It's not that easy to answer. I usually don't feel like crying at sad stuff. I just feel sad. What makes me want to cry is when.. when I see something that's so beautiful and ideal and I realize that it's an illusion, or when an event could almost be perfect had the people involved only realized what they should have done. It makes me want to cry when I see a person give something every last thing they have, while knowing that it would never amount to anything. I don't know. Sadness doesn't make me want to cry. It's the actions of people at those times that calls forth tears in my eyes. A showing of hope when everything seems lost. A little courage when fears are great. Holding on when everyone has let go. Human spirit? Maybe. I feel like crying when I see the nobility of the human spirit against the odds, and I also feel like crying when that noble spirit is crushed. Life. I feel like crying when faced with life, and all the challenges it brings. Not really tears of sadness, no. Tears aren't sad or happy. I believe they're there to amplify what one feels so that others may see how much it got to the core of the person - that there is a core that feels.

So what makes you cry?

Perfect?

If you met the perfect person, then what?

I think the way a relationship works is that you meet someone who has potential and is willing to change. And as you get to know the person, that person slowly changes to become the "ideal" person. They improve themselves for you. And you do the same, for the other. If you both started out perfectly for one another, what happens when change does set in, as it's bound to happen?

Wouldn't it be better to start off imperfect and slowly change to become better than start out perfect knowing that it just wouldn't last?

Impressions

I'm in a "thinking" mood once again. Oh well.

I've been thinking about how first impressions work, and just how significant they really are. A lot of people would tend to say that first impressions don't last, that they won't matter once you get to know the person. What they don't realize is that the same first impressions play a key role in the succeeding interactions. In effect, first impressions determine the context of the second impression and so on. It usually cascades. First impressions or initial meetings are also very unstable to predict. So many factors are involved, such as mood, environment, time, presence or absence of certain people, problems, and other stuff that preoccupies the mind. But such an unsure thing having such a large impact on whether two people will get along is what makes life itself so uncertain. It's what makes relationships, friendships, so fragile.

What induced me into thinking about this topic? A number of things really. But one of the main reasons is a movie I saw - "My Sassy Girl." Ok, so I just recently saw it. I've heard a lot of things about this movie, and after actually having seen it, it was an experience. Now I know why people like it so much. I liked it a lot too. There's just something about the movie that makes people think and care and see themselves.. or maybe it's only just me. Ok, so first impressions didn't really apply very much to the movie, but what I wrote about the circumstance of meeting is there. Some people are just lucky to be at the right place at the right time to meet the right person. Others struggle to reach that point their whole lives, or at least what they think that point is. And often, they envision the wrong thing and miss out on their true turning point. Now that I think about it, that movie made me think about a lot of things; so much more than what I'm writing now. And yet I can't seem to find the words to express them. All I can say is that it really is a great movie, and I liked it very much. And thinking about the events that unfolded is giving me goosebumps.

There is a certain "high" that one gets after seeing a movie that struck a chord with oneself. It's as if one gets reminded of a lost dream that suddenly had a chance of happening just because it happened in a movie. It gives hope, and inspires hope. And that kind of thing is addicting. That's why love is so addicting. Or at least the illusion of love that a movie can bring.

*sigh*

If only circumstances weren't so complicated. If only things had happened a bit differently. If only my life had been one of those movies.

But no.