Sic erat in fatis

This should suffice for what I want to say:

O fortuna velut luna statu variabilis, semper crescis aut decrescis; vita detestabilis nunc obdurat et tunc curat ludo mentis aciem...

Sors immanis et inanis, rota tu volubilis, status malus, vana salus semper dissolubilis, obumbrata, et velata michi quoque niteris...

Sors salutis et virtutis michi nunc contraria, est affectus et defectus semper in angaria..

Fortune plango vulnera stillantibus ocellis quod sua michi munera subtrahit rebellis..

In fortune solio sederam elatus, prosperitatis vario flore coronatus; quicquid enim florui felix et beatus, nunc a summo corrui gloria privatus.

"Maybe"

This entry was inspired after reading a few blogs and thinking about past experiences.

If I could enumerate a list of words that have so much power to change the world, one of the highest on the list would have to be "maybe." For such a simple 5-letter word, it's very strong. By adding it to a thought, it could transform it into an idea as ambiguous as a cloud. Maybe brings about hesitation. Maybe brings about doubt. Maybe brings about inaction. Maybe can either destroy hopes, if one is pessimistic, or raise it up, if one is optimistic. Whole wars are won and lost on assumptions of "maybe." People have lived and died because of "maybe." Risk itself is based on the paradigm of "maybe."

As for me. Maybe has been a troublesome word. As a confessed pessimistic, "maybe" brings about a sort of paranoia. There are a lot of things I haven't said and done because I was afraid, or am afraid, of what "maybe" might bring. Take for example a simple thing as reciting in class. A "maybe" whispers to me that my answer might be wrong, and so I don't raise my hand. And the result is getting 0.8% out of 10% in class recitation. In bigger things, "maybe" is present too. When I like a person, there's so much I can't do because of "maybe." Maybe nothing will happen. Maybe she doesn't like you back. Maybe, maybe, maybe.. It can get pretty frustrating when you're frozen into inaction by all those maybe's buzzing in your head.

And why is "maybe" so strong? It's because it feeds on the imagination. Imagination is limitless, you know. But it can severely limit us, just by adding that one simple word - maybe.

Malabo

Ang dami kong nasa isip ngayon. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang uunahin kong isipin. Malamang sasabihin niyo na unahin ko dapat yung importante, pero ano ang importante? Diba nasa isipan din yon at walang katiyakan? Sabihin na nating pag-aaral ang importante sa ngayon, o di kaya buhay-pamilya, o mga kaibigan, o kung anu-anong mga bagay kaya? Wala akong maisasagot sa ngayon. Kaya nga nag-iisip eh. Masasagot ko lamang yan kapag naisip ko na ang kasagutan. Kung nalalabuan kayo, mas nalalabuan ako. Marami talagang di tiyak sa mundo..

Change topic. Today I slept after lunch. It's not something I normally do. If fact, I've been doing things lately that I don't normally do, like during the Alumni Homecoming yesterday for instance... I'm gonna regret losing at the game for a very long time.. >_<

Paranoia

I'm getting paranoid over a lot of things. i can't really say about what or whom. I guess the stress is finally catching up to me. The stresses of school, life, everything.

How come everything is so complicated? It seems that nothing is ever simple. Circumstances are made of layers and layers of events, facts, and feelings. All of them are so intertwined with each other that it's so complicated trying to sort things out. The result is, going from point A to point B, one cannot take the straight line. And there's a danger of tearing everything down with one false move.

Me amabisne?

I haven't slept earlier than 2:00am for the past week, maybe longer. And everyday I wake up early too. It's too much. This is going to be bad. I need rest, but I'm not gonna get any soon. I have a million things to do and so little time to do them. This is the only time you'll hear me complain. After this, come what may. I'm ready to run again. I may have had a *few* setbacks, but it's about time to move forward again. No more wavering. If people say that I'm "driven," I'll show them that I can go harder.

But for now, this lack of sleep is playing tricks on my mind. I keep thinking about some things that are too distracting for the moment. Nothing bad, mind you. It's a pleasant distraction actually. A very.. happy distraction. Waaa, have to stop thinking of.. basta. Time for something to bring me back to reality.

"Boulevard Of Broken Dreams"

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

That's it. I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.

Lunaris Umbra

Yesterday, I stopped by the field again on my way home. I looked up and saw moon, a little hazy from the clouds. There seemed a crown of sorts enveloping it in the middle of the darkness. It glowed so eerily, so beautifully, and so sadly. It was moments from being full and yet I knew that it wouldn't happen tonight.

Today, I passed by the field again and looked up at the moon. Tonight, there are no clouds. And I didn't see any stars then. The entire sky was dark, save for the spherical beacon. It was full then, complete. No clouds to obscure its splendor. And no stars to share the sky with. It looked so alone up in the sky. But it didn't seem out of place. It belonged there. It was in it's element.

Why do am I writing about the moon all of a sudden? Maybe because it is often related to stories of insanity. And a lot of things in my life right now could only be described as.. insane.

Someday

While going through my desk earlier, I saw some of the things I thought I had lost. They were just sitting there all along. They reminded me of the things I had wanted to do.. It has been a goal of mine to study Latin one day, and today I decided to do something about it. I went to the library and borrowed some books. I had a lot of things I wanted to do before, but I kept telling myself that someday I would do them.. someday. But everything kept piling up and I can't seem to find the time anymore. I really want to do those things again. I want to draw again. I want to paint again. I want to learn to sculpt. I want to learn Latin. I want to know how to play an instrument. I want to go out and have fun. I want to play soccer again... and someday I'll be able to do those things. Someday...

I just recently found my oil paints. Tomorrow, I'll buy a canvas. And then I'm gonna start painting again. No more putting it off for another day. There are a lot of things I've begun but rarely finished. It's time for me to finish what I start.

Turning a new page..

Phantom of the Opera was a very good movie. It was a musical so I was surprised at first, but as the movie progressed, I found myself enthralled and drawn in. Maybe it was too much for me. I found it really difficult to speak afterwards. And everytime I remember the songs, I feel goosebumps coursing through my flesh. Why did the Phantom evoke such emotions? I tried to pinpoint the source, but it eluded me. Last night, I had Mic drop me off along Katipunan instead of my house so that I'd have time to think while walking. It even entered my mind to go inside the campus and sit on one of the stone benches beside the field just so I could think. But I decided against it. And as I walked home, I can't help but feel hopeless. But the walk was too short, nothing was resolved. And yet I can't seem to say what exactly troubles me. I think the Phantom residing in me was brought out by the Phantom I saw in the movie. Everyone has phantoms, I guess - a lesser shade of themselves that the world has abandoned, and has abandoned the world in response.

---

I've been sad for far too long. There were times that I've completely lost sight of day, and believed that there was only night. But I can see better now. I don't know how, but I do. Somehow. I'm managing, slowly evolving, and steadily changing. Most of my friends before tell me that I'm not the same as I used to. They say I'm better now at expressing myself, communicating, and interacting with people. I guess they're right. My emergence into the world is slowly happening. I've discovered that my introverted score on the MBTI test is slowly diminishing and my extroversion score is rising. Steadily. Maybe now's the time to turn a new page in my life's book. A new start. A new beginning. A new life. After all, I can always look back to the pages I've written. So from now on, there is a new "me." I'll try to be more happy now. It's easy to find reasons to be happy, I just didn't bother looking before. But there are enough reasons. And if ever I falter in this resolve now and then, please let me know. Remind me of this promise I now make: I will never be completely alone as long as I keep my friends in my heart.

---

I just read something someone wrote. And it just made me wonder the same thing as what the person thought. How far would anyone go for my sake? How much will anyone risk for me? To what degree is anyone willing to sacrifice because of me?

As was mentioned by the person, it's idealistic, but deep inside wouldn't you want to know too? Just how much value others give to you? (pang pump ng Ego, hahaha)

*if meron may gusto, I'm in the mood for writing palancas. Ego booster anyone? haha. Just tell me. ;p

Eastwood night..

For the people tonight:
Thank you.
I enjoyed your company, all of you. I felt bad when I suddenly left. The movie brought up some thoughts I needed to sort out. That's why I wanted to walk. I needed some time to think. I'm sorry. Baka akala niyo na galit ako or something. I'm not mad at anyone. I just wanted you guys to know that. Sana walang sumama ang loob dahil doon. I'm sorry, and thank you. I hope you all got home safely.

Not Another Day

Today wasn't really a good day. I was late for my two classes even if I had no reason to be late. I didn't feel very lively. Parang kulang ako sa gas. My mind wasn't even functioning properly and I couldn't think straight. Is this what they call a burnout? Or maybe something else. It could be. Something else is bothering me right now, so that must be it. But the thing is, I really can't tell everyone about it. And the people I do tell it to don't have answers. Or not the answers I want, whatever those are. Sa totoo lang, ok naman advice nila. I just can't put it all together. I can't even explain it here despite the fact that I desperately want to, just to let it out. Mahirap. So why am I babbling? I don't know. Haha. It's ironic that I'm trying to reach out but can't really extend my hand, so to speak. I'm writing here, hoping that someone would help me, but I can't even say why I need help. Or what for. I'm asking for advice without explaining my situation. I'm hoping for an answer, when I haven't asked the question. But incase someone does know what I'm stumbling on, I could really use the help. Or not. I don't know talaga!

Contemplation

On my way home, between SOM and gate 2.5, I found myself being drawn to stop and think. So I sat on one of the new stone benches beside the field and just stared off into the distance. It was quite.. calming. I've forgotten how beautiful the sky is during that time of day, when the last rays of the sun is scattered along the clouds.
I just sat there, thinking. The wind was nice enough to be blowing steadily, and not too roughly.
I sat there and let my thoughts flow. I didn't try to sift through them, I just let them resolve themselves.
I must have spent 15 minutes just sitting there, but when I got up, I felt very much refreshed. Maybe I should try to do this kind of thing daily. I could really use it.

I'll try it more often.

Valentine's Day

Today is Valentine's day. I've been dreading this day for so long but now that it's here (and almost over), it's not as bad as I thought. Here are some things I thought about today:

My theo teacher mentioned earlier that we give ourselves in service to find meaning in our lives. I just thought that we're not really "giving" anything but time in exchange for the development of ourselves. We find ourselves in the service of others because we're doing something not only for ourselves..

Went to mass early this evening. Death anniversary of my lolo. The priest told a story about an old man visiting his wife in a nursing home everyday for breakfast with her despite the fact that she has Alzheimers disease and doesn't remember him for the past 5 years now. And the only thing the man said when asked why is: "Because I remember."

While walking back home, a movie I saw before cam back to memory. 50 First Dates. I loved that movie. And I was reminded again after hearing the priest during the mass. To love someone who doesn't remember who you are, and keeps forgetting everyday.. And everyday thinking of something to make her fall in love again.. That may be one of my favorite movies. I wonder if I could ever do that..

Early today I made a lot of paper flowers. I just felt like doing so, like last year. I really didn't have anyone in mind to give them to, so I gave them to anyone who would care to have one.. or two. It's my way of giving something on Valentine's, even if it's to no one in particular..

I heard in Japanese class that when a person wants a wish, that person should make 1000 cranes.. maybe I should start making 1000 cranes. You'll never know when you'll need a wish.. and after I've done 1000 cranes, then I'll think of something to wish for..

Notice

Finding love is as impossible as finding your own soul; no amount of searching will bring you closer to it. The only thing you can do is to wait for it to find you...

I've been waiting my entire life and it still hasn't come.

Baka na late lang...

Find me na! I'm right HERE!!!

note: If anyone finds my heart, please return it to me. Or else you're responsible for taking good care of it. Find a good home for it and don't let it stray too far or it may get lost and go hungry, or get run over by a car.

A Short Story

Here's a nice story I got from another blog. I just forgot the address. Sorry.

Text Pal
"Hi there! Care 2 b my txtmate?" Not knowing who the sender was, I deleted the message right away and placed the phone on my bedside table, I tried to go back to sleep. I had just closed my eyes when I heard the message tone again. "Hi there, again! Care 2 b my txtmate?" again, the message said. Who the hell could this be asking for txtmate at the wee hours of the night?, I asked myself. Again, without bothering to reply I deleted the message. I was never a 'textmaniac' - someone who enjoys texting anyone and everyone even at the wee hours of the night, not to mention during the day. My parents, who were always out of the country forced me to own a cellphone. They told me that having one was more convenient - they could monitor me even if they're miles away. I wanted to turn the unit off, but since my mother was fond of calling me at night, just to check if I was safe at home, I decided not to. Just as I was to close my eyes and return to my dreamless sleep, the phone beeped again. Same number...Such determination! "Pls reply 2 dis msg & b an angel & save me frm dis abyss of emptiness!!!" I never knew why, but the message struck me. I got up and pushed the keys... I just realized I was replying to the message. "Im not an angel, n f u want sum1 2 save u, m not superman... I'm just a simple prson who u woke up at dis r of d nyt!!! Nway, do I know u?" I typed. Seconds later came the reply. "Nope. U don't know dis lonely soul. Nor does she know u. But I want 2 b ur frnd. I'm Mikaella Cervantes. U?" "Just call me Julius. How'd u get my no.?" I sent back. "Hi Julius, nice 2 meet u. Just shuffled the last two digits of mine," she replied. That was the first and maybe the last time I met someone over the cellphone. We exchanged messages and learned so much about each other that night. We only said goodbye when my alarm clock rang at 5:00 AM! I had to prepare for school! And that was also how it all started. A day would not pass without a loving and thoughtful messages from her. It was only then I had learned to appreciate text messages and become eager and excited everytime my phone beeped, hoping it would be her. Mikaella brought out something in me that I never knew I had; I realized I could also be a romantic person... even if it's just through text messaging. One day, she sent this message to me, "Keep me as a frnd & I will keep u in my heart. Lock it up & throw away d key so dat no1 can ever take u away from me..." I replied: "In life, we seldom find a true prson & f u evr find 1, hold on & nvr let go... value dat prson coz it's lyf's gift worth keeping & holdin on..." I never knew why, but her response sent shivers to my spine, "Value d people hu hav touched ur life bcoz u will never know just wen dey will walk out of ur lyf & nvr come back again." I couldn't understand what I felt that moment, but one thing I was sure of: I could not go on a day without a single word from her. I've become used to talking to her, even though we had not met personally. But truly, she already occupied a space, a large one in fact, in my life. I texted her back. "Dont come close f l8r ull jst pass by; don't touch me f l8r ull jst let me cry; dont luv me f l8r ull jst leave me and won't stay..." I didn't know why I sent her that message, but somehow I felt every word came from my heart. In the short span of time we were sending messages to each other, I knew, I was starting to keep her in my heart. I called her once. The voice on the other end was like an angel's. Soft, kind, full of love. Yet, there was something in it I couldn't define. We only talked for a few minutes. Before she hung up, she told me not to call again. According to her, it would be better if we would just text each other. But the voice kept ringing, not only in my head, but in my heart. I'd long to hear it once more. I tried to call her again, but she never answered the phone. She just kept on sending messages and quotations, which I copied in a little notebook. Hopeless romantic? I didn't know. All I could say was that all the messages she sent me were wonderful. They came from the heart and cut through the heart.
One December night, she sent me this message, "Though we r miles apart, u r always n my heart. I close my eyes & der u r. Even f I'll see u never, I'll always b hir 2 care 4 u, far longer dan 4ever..." By that time we had been exchanging messages for more than a month. God knew how happy I was. She was right. Although we had not seen each other, what we felt was enough to make us both realize what was keeping us together. I sent her another message, "Loving u secretly is a hard thing 4 me 2 do, hoping, wondring that u will feel d same way 2, but I can't read ur mind f u luv me 2. But whatever it is, I'll still be loving u." "How I wish I cud really tell u how much u mean 2 me, but m afraid 2 love, scared 2 get hurt... I hope dat u will wait 4 me & pray dat u will not get tired of loving me...=)" was her reply. And then I replied again, "The reason y I met u is bcoz of destiny but f destiny will suggest dat I'll live w/o u, den, I'll go not by destiny but of free will."
Whenever I asked her when we would meet personally, she always answered, "Soon...soon, love...soon." Not seeing each other did not lessen, even a bit, what I felt for her...rather, it even grew deeper and stronger each day. And I was sure, she felt the same way, too. Love messages continued to flow through our lines, between our hearts, which made us go on each day with the thought that sooner, we would see each other, face to face, heart to heart.
Just a few days before Christmas, she stopped sending messages. At first I just thought she had ran out of credit. But there was something that kept bothering me... I couldn't understand what was it, but it made me feel nervous. I tried to call her but she wouldn't answer. Nevertheless, I continued sending messages. Suddenly one night, just three days before Christmas, I heard my phone's message tone again... at last! It was from her! "Oftentyms we say gudbye 2 d 1 we luv w/o wanting 2. Though dat doesn't mean dat we stopped loving dem or we stopped 2 care. Sometyms, GOODBYE is a painful way 2 say I LOVE YOU." I was dumfounded. I didn't know what to think of. What did she mean? I texted her back, searching for answers, but found nothing. I called her but she would not answer. For the first time in my life, I felt so miserable... desperate... empty. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to lose her. I had learned to love her. And I wanted to be with her forever. The following days I felt nothing but emptiness. It seemed that Mikaella took the life out of me. I missed her so much... her messages... the tones that would tell me she'd sent another loving message. Nothing around me could feel the emptiness I felt.
*beep*beep* Just a day before Christmas, my cell beeped again. It was her! "Meet me at d café, 10 AM 2day," I read aloud, making sure the message was true, then I jumped with joy upon hearing from her again. Hurriedly, I got myself ready and I went to the mall. I knew it was still early, but I wanted to be there before she arrived. I arrived at the meeting place ten minutes early. I was surprised to see her already there, smiling at me. She was very beautiful, Black, deep-set eyes that spoke a thousand words; small, kissable lips; a nose perfectly chiseled and long black hair - everything in her was beautiful. And yes, her eyes radiated kindness and love...but there was a flicker of something in them... sadness? "Hi, Julius," said the angelic voice I had been dreaming of each night. The voice that I had waited to hear for so long. "Please sit down." "I am very pleased to meet you, Mikaella," I said, as I took my seat and gave the roses I brought for her. "Thanks, Julius," she smiled, obviously pleased with the roses. I knew she loved pink roses. "You are always welcome." "Julius, I can't stay," she said, with sadness in her voice, or was it tears? "I really must go." "But we just met, Mikaella. Can't we talk a little longer?" I asked, pleadingly. "I can't really. I just came here to see you and thank you for the time you shared with me. Thank you for everything, Julius. I will never forget you... you will always be here in my heart." She was looking at me straight into the eyes, and I could really feel the sadness in her voice and I swear, there was something in her voice. And there was something in those lovely yet lonely eyes too... She got up and smiled at me, lovingly. "Tomorrow morning, please come and visit me," she said and gave me a piece of white linen paper. I read what was written and when I looked up, she was gone. The following day, Christmas, I woke up early and excitedly readied myself, thinking of her. I hurriedly went to the flower shop and bought a dozen pink roses - for Mikaella. They lived in an exclusive subdivision. Upon reaching their house, I told the guard who I was and that I was looking for Mikaella. The guard stared at me, sadness and amazement in his eyes and told me to wait as he called the owner of the house. As I looked at him while he was going inside the house, I noticed that the house was brightly lit. A woman went out and walked towards me, smiling sadly. "Hi, I'm Maria, Mikaella's mother. Please come inside, Julius." While we were walking towards the mansion, she explained to me why she knew me very well - Mikaella had always been talking about her friend: me. I hardly understood what she was saying. I was busy thinking why Mikaella's mother was crying while talking to me. As we came near the great hall of the house, it dawned on me that there was a wake inside. Maybe a relative passed away, I thought. But deep in my heart, I was trembling and afraid. As we entered the hall where so many people were silently mourning as others were praying, I asked her mother, "Where is Mikaella?" She held my hand and silently led me to the coffin which was surrounded by flowers - pink roses, nothing but pink roses. No words could explain how I felt when I gazed at the coffin and saw who was lying there. The same beautiful girl I met...
A man came beside me, I knew he was Mika's father. "We are so glad you came, Julius. Mika spoke of you all the time. She even asked that her phone be buried with her. She said that in that way, you could still send her messages and you would always be with her." I couldn't believe everything... My mind was in limbo. "But how can this be? We just saw each other yesterday.." "That can't possibly be. She passed away three days ago. She had been suffering from a heart disease since she was a child," said her father. "But..." I couldn't find the words. "She told us not to bother reaching you," her mother said, still in tears, "she said you will come, and here you are." Pain and bitterness overwhelmed me. I cried silently beside her, staring at her lovely face, memorizing every line of my friend's face, a face I knew I would never forget while I was still alive. After the internment that afternoon, I went to the chapel she had told me she went to everyday. Sitting there, praying and crying to God, I held my phone and typed: "U taught me how 2 care; u taught me how 2 b kind; u shwd me how 2 lyk; u shwd me how 2 luv; but ders 1 thing u didnt teach me & it hurts more - u didnt teach me how 2 let go. I LOVE YOU!" I sent the message, and though I knew she wouldn't be able to hold her cellphone again, I knew in my heart she would get my message. I never expected a reply, yet as my phone beeped again, I felt a shiver run down my spine. The sender's number did not appear on the screen, but tears rolled down my cheeks as I read the message. "Let go of d hand of d person u love, but dont let go of God's hand. 4 if u hold His hand, He may b holding d person u love n d ader hand 2 let u hold each other again." I will never forget you, Mikaella and will never let go... I vowed, as I left the church.

It's so easy to open your heart. You may not even notice it until someone is already in. When we're hurt, we try to cover it. But no matter how thick we apply the layers, no matter how careful we are in arranging the seams, there will always be a way in. Enough to unravel everything. The only thing a cover does is choke the heart.
(Hehe. Unrelated yata sa story.)

Moment of Weakness

There was a time before when I really couldn't see the point in anything. Back then, the wounds I had were still fresh in the mind and in my heart. I couldn't comprehend a lot of things, most of which is the pain that the heart alone knows how to inflict upon itself. It was pain similar to being ripped apart from inside - a slow hurt that blooms from the core and slowly spreads all over. It's not the usual pain that has physical cause, no. It's the kind that goes beyond any physical wound. To simulate this much pain physically would kill you first. And one day, on the 16th of February, I wrote what I was feeling...

I don't have anything to look forward to. In my every endeavor, I have failed. My loneliness has set in deep, especially this past Valentine's Day. Nothing I do ever seems to matter; not to anyone, and not even to myself anymore. In my depression, I often wonder what my life is all about. I'm so confused. I can't make up my mind whether I should start being happy or stay sad. I know the answer might seem obvious, but it's not. I do try to be happy, to find some good in the bad stuff that I get, but it doesn't last. Sometimes, I don't even try anymore. Do I still have hope? I don't know. Sometimes it's there and then it's gone, only to be back later before it disappears once more. It's a vicious, endless cycle. And with every round, I feel myself get weaker and weaker. I think I shouldn't be happy anymore because when I'm happy, it seems that sadness is heavier when it sets in. It's a mystery to me why I feel this way. I wasn't always like this. Only these past few months have I felt like this, like the emotions of my entire life have been packed into mere moments. Sooner or later, something would have to give. I wonder what I'd do when it finally gets down to that one moment when I can't handle it anymore. I just hope I don't do anything foolish..
My life seems hopeless that I wonder if it would've been better had I not existed. People usually find strength in friends, but what happens when your friends aren't there when you need them the most? Where would you get the strength to face your problems then? Right now I feel so alone, I feel so distant from everyone else. Maybe I'm just doing it to myself.. It's tough. My friends are nowhere, not even a single word from anybody..
I've failed at happiness. I've failed at love. I've failed at hope. I've failed at friendship. I don't think anybody knows how I must be feeling right now.. I don't even know for myself. What is causing all of this pain? Is it love or the lack of it? Love can give you wings, but it can also chain you to the ground. I wish someone loved me. I wish someone cared enough for me. I wish I wasn't so lonely.

Writing this brought me back to that time of weakness. Oh how everything goes flooding back in, given the chance! Hay! Buhay nga naman o! Isang panaghinip lamang ba ang kasiyahan?

Venting...

Grades aren't everything, at least that's what I want to think right now. Unfortunately, I may be mistaken. I just received the result of my CS midterms and I feel very, very stupid right now. I got a flat 50. That's 20% of my grade permanently reduced to 10%. If only I studied more than I did..

Yeah, you are stupid! You can't even pass that midterm exam. Just sell your brain somewhere since you're not using it anyway. Moron! You're not only hopelessly pathetic, you're stupid as well. You have nothing going for you in this world so why even bother?! Just go back to the hole in the ground where you came from.

Argghhh!!!!

Cold Furnace

I don't know how many times I've fallen in love and ended up hating myself for it.. I don't know how many times I've tried to convince myself that the next one would be the one.. I don't know how many times I've built barriers around my heart only to have it broken down by someone.. I don't know how many times I've risked all my happiness on a single person.. I don't know how many times I've been hurt.. I've lost count already.
But despite everything, despite the pain, the tears, the sleepless nights worrying, despite all that, I don't think I can stop myself from loving. I don't think I can stop my heart from giving itself out. Because... because of the feeling; because of what it feels like to love, to be in-love. It's the greatest feeling in the world.
I'd be willing to hate myself again, to hope, to lay my heart bare, to risk all my happiness, risk being hurt.. just to feel how to love once more. They're inseperable, pain and love. But I'm willing to accept all the bad just to experience that one good thing called love.

Having read what I did, it seems that I'm not going through the tempering process as well as I should. Maybe all it needs is a little more heat..

Tempered Heart

It's February once again. And over the years, I've grown to despise this month. Because February is the only month wherein I get reminded of.. what I don't have; what I always wanted; what I never seem to find. I hate February for rubbing it in. But if February were to disappear from the calendar, I'm sure I'd miss it too. For it is only during February that I can raise the pain in my heart to a new level. The only time I can elevate the pain that I am used to. The only time I can feel beyond the numbness that resides in me.

And so, during February, I don't celebrate love. I celebrate depression, and pain, and hurt. I wallow in them.. just to prepare my heart for the year ahead. Tempering it in flames, so to speak. So hopefully, it won't be as prone to weathering and pain.

My heart is made of steel; hard, cold, and heavy. Better to withstand being trampled on and thrown around. So come, February, and do your worst!!!

Thoughts

There are too many things going on in my mind, but the most prevalent is about the play I saw last night. I've seen it before, but it was two years ago. And having seen the play again last night brought with it familiar memories that I have long since buried. And some new ones too. With this I'd like to share the introduction to the play last night that Mr. Pagsi delivered, and was taken from Neil Gaiman:

Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

I want to say that the intro pretty much covers what I want to communicate to everyone.. unfortunately it isn't. There is an aspect that is somehow different. Yes, I do hate love for the pain it brings, but how could I hate it for the other things it bestows - like love itself. I'm just a stupid person with a stupid heart that can't seem to get enough of being hurt.

Something possibly "dangerous" to say..

During our LS11 class earlier, my teacher talked about self-esteem playing an inportant role in being a manager. If you ask everyone who knows me, they can tell you that I really lack a lot in that aspect. From this situation arises my woeful tale.

For everyone I meet that I like, I find no reason for them to like me back. I've been coping with this very well but there are times when this line of thinking doesn't do me any good. The situations where it really is detrimental to me is when I find myself liking someone more than just plainly liking. It's sad really, because it always happens the same way. I can't find anything in myself that is special enough for her to take interest. I just don't feel that I deserve her. I don't feel that I'm worthy enough for her. So, I don't really do anything, and nothing really ever happens. It's a sad life indeed.

Right now, I really don't feel as if I'm making a mistake writing it here. It's not as if she would be reading this, whoever "she" is. For all my past crushes that I *tried* not to think too much about(tried, but didn't really succeed), I don't think there's any danger of them finding out. That's because, one, they don't know about this blog, or two, they don't know I have a crush on them (or three, they don't really care). Hahaha. So much irony in life.

But then again, I'm dead if they find out, because I don't know how they'll react. Well, it doesn't matter anyway. Not now at least. Right now I don't really care if they do learn.