Popping the EK balloon.

Why do the bad things always seem to happen to me? Did I do something really bad?? When will fate stop poking fun at me and leave me be??? Sembreak is much more disorienting than any hellweek I've encountered. It is sooo stressful.

I went to EK just this Monday and when my friends and I got there, IT WAS CLOSED! HAH! That was suppose to be the center of our 3-day outing, and IT WAS CLOSED! Murphy's Law anyone?

Had this funny conversation with a friend:
Me: All my relatives are in some other country. Christmas won't be as happy anymore.
Don: Bakit naman?
Me: Eh pano, less gifts na.
Don: Ah, so yon lang pala habol mo?
Me: Hindi, I meant di ko na sila mabibigyan ng gifts kasi wala na sila :D It's better to give than to receive diba?
Don: Sabi mo yan ha, maghihintay ako ng gift galeng sa iyo sa pasko!
Me: Pero diba sabi mo rin it's the thought that counts? Kaw nagsabi nun sa car. So kendi na lang ok na.
Don: Haha, naisahan ako doon ah..

disclaimer: That's what I recall of the conversation over dinner. I'm not saying it's accurate down to the words, but that's pretty much the gist of it.

Anyway, if may magpupunta EK, please tell me.. sama ako!! And sama ko rin yung iba kong friends whom I promised a trip to EK too. I owe them that after the big letdown.

Missing people

Some things are driving me crazy. The boredom!! Gahhh!!

Anyway, things are "ok" I guess. Right now I'm trying out something.. it doesn't seem to be working though. Nevermind. *sigh*

Do you know that feeling of wanting to see or talk to someone, but somehow you can't? It's easy to say you miss the person, but missing someone isn't as simple as missing them and not missing them. There are multiple levels to it. There's the shallow level of, "oh, I wonder how he/she is doing.." Then there's the type where you really would like to see the person. And some extremes wherein the whole world seems to disappear from under your feet, inch by inch, as minutes and hours and days go by without seeing the person. And between those examples, an infinite number of ways of missing someone. *sigh* I just can't put words as to what level I'm in, but I'm guessing it's deep enough to drown in if it continues...

Too much time in my hands

There is an essay written by Marcel that we took up in philosophy recently, and one memorable passage there goes something like this:

..a human life has always its centre outside itself; though it can be centered, certainly, on a very wide and diverse range of outside interests. It may be centered on a loved one, and with the disappearance of the loved one be reduced to a sad caricature of itself... And this is not a matter so much of some final purpose to which a life may be directed as of the mental fuel that keeps a life alight from day to day. For there are, as we know only too well, desperate creatures wo waste away, consuming themselves like lamps without oil.

Never has such words been used to define a certain feeling that I sometimes get - like a lamp without oil consuming itself. It really just hit me.

There is also a conversation in a game I'm playing that sort of made a lot of sense. It says that the reason we humans sometimes act selfish and greedy is because we are only here for a short time. The immortal races(in the game) all lack the sense of passion because for them time is of no consequence. And that explains how passionate we can sometimes be on some trivial things. We're "like babies, trying to grasp at everything before our time is up." Passion makes us do rash things, deciding on a whim without seeming to think about it. Trying to leave a part of us behind that would be remembered when we pass away. Such transcient beings we are..

Sigh. It seems that I have so much time in my hands again, more that what I can think of to do with. It seems that I'm burning without oil again. I have so much idle time that.. the things I usually think about every now and then before, I can't help but think of much more often now. I agree with what I heard before, the key to a happier life is lowered expectations. Why do people dream? Dreams are just that after all - dreams. Sometimes I'm tired of dreaming about the future, the future I want. It all seems so improbable now.

Gah! Enough of that already. Please, somebody save me from this boredom! I want to do something, go somewhere, meet someone, anything.. just save me from wasting away doing nothing, feeling useless, feeling forgotten.

Life101

There's not much to say right now despite the fact that there's a lot of things going on in my mind. There's always a lot of things going on in my mind. I can't really help it.

I just finished watching 50 First Dates again for the nth time, and I could go on watching it still. It really is such a nice movie, but those things never happen in real life. Sure there may be instances of that mental disability, but the story itself is so improbable. It would be nice though..

It seems to me that life is testing me everyday. And everyday I keep failing. Where are the books? Where are the handouts? The readings? The notes? The tests are so subjective that there are no sure answers. But why do I still feel that I'm failing? It's like everyday, I'm unprepared for the test. They say you learn from experience, and experience usually comes from mistakes. If that's true, I should be a genius right about now. The fact is, nothing you do can really prepare you for living life. You may say that experience is an advantage, but life cases never repeat. They may be similar, but they're always so distinctly different that experience in one isn't such a big help in another situation. The only thing it may provide is a sort of numbness to ease away the pain.

Interesting topic, that of pain. There are many types. All of them can be channeled out, but perhaps the most painful ones that linger is emotional pain - the type that drives straight into the soul. There's no defense against that, other than numbness. No physical armor will ever protect you from that. I guess even Superman, the man of steel, is not immune to that. For that type of pain doesn't harm the flesh, it seeks out the heart and runs it through. It's the cost of having a heart - that it gets hurt, like everything that exists.

To feel or not to feel

Nothing much is happening here. Life, as usual, is disjoint from utopia. Well, there's no such thing anyway. Sometimes when you have so much time to think, it doesn't do you any good. All this negativity recently is being fed by something. And I'm afraid that it's starting to reflect on my perspective. The hollowness I felt was scary, but the scarier part is getting used to it. As each day passes, I lose a little bit of my spirit. Things had been confusing, to say the least, a few weeks ago. But now, it's all like a blur. It's like I've run out of reactions. Don't get me wrong, I can still feel emotions, it's just that it all feels so.. normal. I'm getting so used to everyday having the same feelings, the same fears, the same worries, that it's not as big a thing as before. There's a sort of numbness in it all. A welcome numbness at times.

When I think about it, being numb to feeling might be a good thing. But then again, it's never a good thing to be numb always. Humanity begs us to feel, to respond, to live. The only way I can explain this is when you're hungry. Your stomach feels empty and you feel like you're being eaten up inside. But at some point, you don't feel hungry anymore. Like the hunger has passed, even though you know you haven't eaten anything.

It's a choice: to feel, and with it all the sensations that make us who we are. All the fears, laughter, tears, and hope. or to be numb, to shut out everything. I know you'd say that living is a far better option than not, but when all you've felt is negative, and everything seems to crash down quite often, isn't there a part of you willing to give in to the numbness that's beckoning? Sometimes, doesn't it seem easier to just curl up under a rock and hide?