Sem Break

Yesterday was the "start" of my sem break. Yesterday was the first day that I had nothing to do. No more deadlines or projects or tests or meetings... nothing. Yesterday was also one of the most boring days I've experienced, until today. This sudden increase of "free time" is messing with with me. It seems that life isn't as interesting as it used to be. I spent the whole day yesterday and today moving back and forth from watching TV to surfing the net, and still I'm bored. How much useless can a day get?

As unbelievable as this may sound, I miss school. I'd even go so far as to say I miss hell week too. With nothing to do, I feel empty inside. Probably because I don't feel "needed" or something.

I guess a lot of people are having fun right now; going off on vacation, going out with friends, going on a trip somewhere exotic or even relaxing in a far away beach. But for me, "fun" is the last word I'd use to describe this break as of now.

Left Out

Yesterday, I went to the debut of a blockmate of mine at the Traders Hotel. During the event, there was a flash presentation wherein some photos of the block were shown. That was when I realized something.

I wasn't in any one of them.

I find it quite unfortunate for me that I wasn't there when bonds of friendship were formed in my block. Where was I? Probably somewhere else... It seems that I'm an outsider in my own block. The people whom I would be spending four years of my life with in Ateneo are the same people that I didn't get to know.

It's easy to say that "It just happened," but from what I've learned in History class, nothing "just happens." I'm not close to my block because I rarely spent any time with them. And now, even though I try, it's proving to be much more difficult going back into the fold. I guess its my fault mostly. I should've done something; spent more effort getting to know them. Then at least I wouldn't have been a stranger to them.

It seems that that is always my problem - being too passive. I don't go out and do things, I just wait for them to happen. The problem is, most of the things I wait for will never happen by themselves. So all I do is wait for something that will never be. That's pretty much my life story, always waiting and in the end, having nothing. I realize that its not just about my block. Its about everything else. I never tried to do anything, so I got nothing.

But I'm passive - what can I do? I'll just have to wait and see...

... ... ...

There are days when I don't quite feel like myself, as if something is different, as if something has changed. It feels strange. Sometimes. Usually I'd be more detached than normal. As if staring into space is something natural to me (well, it is, sometimes.) And then I drift into a partially melancholic and stoic state where daily things don't really matter. I manage to channel off everything, even pain. Maybe this is a defense mechanism of some sort, something I learned in psy101. Whatever it is, it's a welcome moment of not worrying about anything at all, even life.
Then, when I shift out of that state, everything comes rushing back in. The emotions, the thoughts, the fears, the problems, the stress... a torrent on the verge of crushing me. I like that sometimes. It makes me feel alive when all those emotions come flooding back. And then the tide subsides, and all I have left is the longing for the next painful memory to come rushing back in, just so to break the monotony of my existence.

Silence is Golden, but not in my case...

... now I know why I got that 0.8/10 in my class recitation grade. It became all too evident during that one occassion. Who knows, I might even get a job as a statue because all I do is stand around and do nothing especially when I should be doing something.
That was the reason I had a bad day a few days ago. That wasn't the sole reason though, but that was the trigger. It seems that every single bad moment in my life had built up and crashed into me, sort of avalanching out of control. Maybe I should say I had a relapse from 4 years ago. Anyway, I lost control. But that rarely happens.
I really wish I'd spoken more. Maybe I'd have a better life worth living, than this one. Curse you silence, my constant companion.