Same answers

Bakit ba ganito? Tama nga ang sinabi ng isa kong kakilala, "at the end of the day, no matter how much or how hard you think, the answer will still be the same: ewan ko"

It's something I have to face. And it's not a very encouraging future..

Why were we even born with these useless organs.. appendices and hearts..

Final pages to a Chapter

I don't really understand it anymore. Sobra na ang stress levels ko.

First day of classes na tomorrow, of my final year here in school. And thinking about it just drags me down. Change is never easy. I've been a student all my life, and kahit na then I've found it stressful when I'm about to graduate to another level in education; from gradeschool to highschool, highschool to college. And now, my biggest transition ever - college to life. I wonder how I'll adapt to that change.

When I look back, I've seen myself change too. Back in gradeschool, I had become quiet and reserved because of my "environment" And up until highschool, that was how people knew me. In the later years of highschool, I started to emerge from my shell, so to speak, but those were small steps. When I got into college, well, everything changed, and yet still somehow stayed the same. To be honest, I'm still very much reserved for the most part. And a lot of people I think can attest to that. But for those who knew me from before, I think they'd say that I've made a lot of progress "humanizing" myself. Thinking about what I've gone through, what I've done, what I'm doing now, I still can't quite believe it sometimes that it was me and not some other person. I've changed, and I never imagined all of these back when I was still in my early years in highschool.

I've met a lot of people along the way too. And from them I've learned a lot of lessons about myself and life in general. Every encounter I had, there was something to be grasped at.. even though some had been the toughest events I've had to face in my life. I've watched myself grow, and I've watched as the world I knew crumble before my eyes. I've rebuilt, only to have it fall again. And yet I've always managed to pick up the broken pieces and start over. I've lost so much in the process of learning; some dreams will never visit me again; some hopes will never be more than mere memories I can vaguely recall. I've learned in philosophy that when two entities meet, both are changed by each other. Something is gained, something is lost, something is altered, but one will never ever walk away unscathed.

And when I think about all these things I've gone through, and that very soon they'll all be just memories of a previous age of my life, I can't help but feel that I've lost something. A part of me. A fragment of my dream. A feather from wings.

Shucks, emo na nga, senti pa.

What I See

Ok, I just realized it, but I'm a sucker for someone with a nice smile. It's a certain kind of smile, not the ordinary ones that look plastered on the face; not the plain ones that lack any decent emotion; not the seemingly unmeant ones. A smile is the first thing I usually see, I guess.

Next are the eyes. Not so much the color than that of the shape, though color is helpful. There's also a characteristic of the eyes that speaks of it's bearer's soul. Eyes are mysterious, I believe.

Then there's the jawline. Something about a beautifully structured jaw that frames the whole face well just strikes me as exquisite.

Complexion is sadly one of the things that attract me too, not so much the color but the tone. I like people who seem to "glow" in exuberance and vibrance.

And ofcourse, the overall alignment of these facial features. One can have all these, yet still be just "ordinary."

These are just the things I initially notice about a person. Character is another important aspect completely.

A few more regrets thrown in with the deadlines

Just came home today from the Celadon formsem. It was okay. But it's back to reality now. I have a deadline, and it is fast approaching. What do I do?

---

Formsem stuff: I'm kind of bummed. Missed opportunities and that kind of thing. Haha. Lots of 'em. *sigh* Overnight is just too short to get to know people.

1:20am

Truth be told.. pagod na ako. I've been tired for the past 3-4 weeks.. I can barely keep my eyes open, my head throbbes in pain, my vision is blurring, my body feels like lead.. and yet my day has just begun, just a few hours after the previous one ended.

I'm beginning to loathe the so-called "bunker mentality".. it limits what can be done and reduces efficiency. And it just shows how uncaring people can be.. I'm beginning to stop caring myself.. And what of panic? I'm way past panic. Despair? Done with that too. And when you get to the end of that long litany of possible emotions brought out by stress, what do you find? Indifference.

Malapit na.

"..But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly, because you tread on my dreams."
- Yeats