Deep-rooted problems

There is much to be said about politics. It seems that it's all I hear about these past few days, and I'm getting quite sick of it. There's another event that the media is making a circus out of. And pretty much a huge part of the populace is ignorant of the factors. I for one can't say that I know very much. But that's the problem, isn't it? People know so little and yet take to the streets for something that they think they believe in. Sure, they have their resolve, but rebellion isn't always the answer (but in some cases, there is no choice). They growl at the slightest movement and see the tiniest wrong, but in the process are blind to their own shortcomings. And many people exploit all of this. In the news yesterday it was asked so many times what "state of emergency" is. And sure enough answers came. But can they not understand? They still kept on asking. I mean it's already been said that there are no special powers granted other than economic options, and even then, it's not a guarantee that it will be used. I don't see it as a problem. It just means that there is emergency. It's like having a fire and saying there is a fire loose. And then triggering the fire alarm. In much the same sense, declaring an emergency is pretty much what comes next when there is an emergency.

Unfortunately, that's where the vagueness begins. What exactly is the emergency?

To make things short, what is happening is happening because of bull-headed people who wouldn't see reason. On the one hand there are the anti-government. They see everything as wrong and frankly, I doubt they'll ever see otherwise. All they do is criticize and take to the streets. If only they worked to help and not complain all the time. On the other hand is the government side. They're not saints either. They have done a lot of things wrong, and they are often undecided of their actions. And some of the people that's suppose to care about the country put that concern in the back seat to serve their own personal growth. There is still corruption, yes.

Those are the two "hands", but in-between there is still a lot of space. That's where most people are: people who want something done, but not in an extreme way; people who get crushed in-between whenever the two fists collide; people who are actually doing something, even if it's just a little, in their own way, to help rebuild a nation.

But politics is so deeply ingrained in us. Just look around, everything is political in nature. You don't even need to look far. Even in this level, there are people who are trying to manipulate the system to achieve their own ideals. These people are blind to what will benefit the majority and only work for their own selfish goals. There is selfishness in everyone, and there is also something more noble. And it is a choice which one will govern one's life.

Leaders cannot be selfish. You for one should know this. What you think is right might be tainted by your own personal goals, and not by the common ones.

Shaded clouds and swirly skies

Okay, it's been a while since I last updated. And it's not because nothing has been happening. A lot, in fact, has happened. But for one reason or another, I can't put them here. Anyway,I'll try to put something sensible here to keep it going.

My whole life sometimes seem like one big blurry image with a few scattered points of sharp focus, like islands in a sea of blue. And the blurriness itself constantly shifts, moving from one point of density to the next, like fog swirling with the breeze. As such, there is no clear picture of my life.

There are times when I'd wish things were clearer, without any vagueness, confusion, nor uncertainty. Where everything is as clear as day and all the options laid out before me, extending towards the distant horizon. But things aren't like that. There are no easy decisions, and there isn't a clear horizon. Sometimes I feel as if I'm just feeling my way in the darkness. And besides having to contend with my inner demons, there is still that volatile factor of external existence - other people.

I can't understand some people. Well, most of them really. For me, I'd like things simple. But there are people who thrive in complications. Why do they say one thing when their actions mean another? It's totally inconsistent. Is it enough to speak? It's easy to be consistent if you're being truthful, right? Because what people say and what people do, if they come from the same place, should be the same. But why do some people put on a facade? Why do they have to put on masks?

My questions delve deeper than simply asking about "seeming" people. This is not merely a question; it's a challenge. When you hide yourself, what are you really trying to hide?

Another disappointment

Somewhat a long time coming.. occassional friendships. I've heard this discussed during one of our many lectures in theo class under Fr. Dacanay. Basically, he said that some friendships are just temporary, or "on occassion." Like when you share the same class, the same horrible teacher, the same schedule, anything that can be common. The bond that results only lasts for as long as the common thing exists. In the case of an event, once it's over, well, it's all over. I guess its like that of people. People try to find a group to belong to, even a group of two. Just to belong to something. I'm not saying I'm not guilty of such a thing - I am, sometimes. And I'm not proud of it. And when that happens, people get used. Just depends on the level of "usage" or that of the need to belong. I feel like I'm on the short end of the stick most of the time though. I'm finding out that I need people more than they need me.

I don't like this notion of occassional friendships. It makes it sound as if a friendship is just merely a commodity to be used and discarded, like a disposable comfort blanket. But then I also wonder why some people treat friendships so haphazardly. It is that common to them that they treat it as if it were nothing? Some don't even mean to do what they do. Friends are so easy to find, yet are very hard to keep. And good friends are rarer still.

I can't understand why all of this happen. Will somebody please explain it to me?

***

The nicest and kindest ones are the people who can inflict the most cruel of wounds.

Just a thought

Why do we fall in love? And despite getting hurt, why do we do so still? I don't understand how people keep giving out their hearts knowing full well that its gonna get torn to shreds, and yet still HOPE that its not gonna happen. Why is that? Why go through something that 99 out of 100 times will end in failure and misery? Is it because of that one-in-a-hundred chance? I don't see the point of it. But the unfortunate thing about it, we don't really have a choice, do we? Yes, loving is a choice. But falling in love isn't a choice. Sure its not even considered genuine love, but you can't take out of the equation the fact that it still feels pretty damn painful when it blows up in your face. When reality sets in that you're the only one who feels that way; when the chemicals that trigger the feeling finally dissipate. I've gone through enough of those to know how painful they can get. It's like your whole heart is being drawn through a vise, or getting pierced by a thousand needles, or ripped savagely apart. That's the trouble with pain brought out by the mind. Since it's not physical, you don't die from it, but you do feel like dying. And you can "die" many times over.

So far, I've had only a handful of serious crushes. That's what I call them because calling them anything else doesn't feel right. They may be more than simply that though, but I have no basis to say. But that handful became so because I had done something. What about the countless times I didn't act? What about the instances when I just kept it all to myself, and never told a soul; locked in my mind where no one can get through. The serious ones I had spoken to friends about. But these countless ones only I knew, so what about them? Well, they'll be an endless source of torture, when I think about the possibilities and realize the fact that dreams are just dreams and only be dreams.

I never liked Valentine's season.

Fear of Fire

I felt afraid. I felt afraid that I'd be seen. Not that I'm hiding, far from it.. I just didn't want to be seen. I've begun to dread the thought of an encounter. What would I say? What would happen? Perhaps I've had too many bad experiences already that I can't stand the thought of another one. Get burned too often and the thought of fire rekindles the pain of the burn.

I didn't realize until now just how much I had been affected. I kept thinking that if there were no encounters, then there would be no chance of it happening like it did many times before. No goodbyes, no awkward silences, no searching for words to say. And no more hurt.

It's funny how I'd reacted. I never imagined that I would in that way. Is this what everyone felt? Am I running away from the inevitable, or just making myself used to it slowly, or even hoping I'd forget. But I can't forget. The stories that I'd hear, the questions asked upon me, the queries to life - all of them, reminders of how much one can feel, and how much one can endure before breaking into pieces.

A part of me died then, the part that had hoped, once. They say hope can never be extinguished, and I can see that the smaller it gets, the more fiercely it burns. But it can waver, it can falter, and it can be smothered. It will continue to glow, yes. But until it has a fuel to feed it, to nurture it, it will never be the blazing fire that it is destined to be.

Too many glowing embers lay scattered on the ground, that the heat is not enough to smite the cold, mocking wind.