Monday, December 26, 2005

Remembrance

It's the day after Christmas and it's once again time for remembrance. I know that there were a lot of people that I wasn't able to greet. Some, I didn't know how to contact, some I've already forgotten. And so this post goes out to everyone I wasn't able to greet. They may not be able to read this, but I want to give out my greeting anyway, and wish them a very merry christmas. This is already my 21st Christmas, and in that span of 21 years, I have come to know a great many people. And I find it sad when I go through my mind trying to remember a name that I should know and come up empty. I never meant to forget. To forget people is like forgetting a part of yourself. These people, no matter how long or how short I've known them, have left their mark on me, one way or the other. And I wouldn't be the person that I am without them.

Another reason for remembrance is that last year, on this very day, a great many lives were lost. And for this christmas, it's the first one their surviving family members will spend without them. I want to remember this event, not for the sake of knowing that it happened, but for the people themselves, that they may not be forgotten, and in silent reverence for all the lost future each of them once held.

I promise I won't forget.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Building Bridges

Building bridges is hard work, and not something easily done. There is a measure of perseverance and determination in building one. First, would be the anchor, or the base of the structure on both ends. They have to be built on solid ground. These structures will be the key foundation of a bridge. If built on loose ground, the bridge will not be able to handle the stress on the structure when the connecting arms are extended. This goes without saying that it has to be strong on both sides.

The easiest way to continue from there is to build each side and meet somewhere in the middle. That way, one side doesn't over-extend and topple over in the process. For short bridges, meeting in the middle is usually the end of it. Once secured in place, the bridge is done. For longer ones, additional supports must be established first. In addition, suspension bridges would need very strong cables to bear all the weight.

In addition to the actual building, the materials would have to be the right ones. Brick and mortar are good for short ones, but using it on suspension bridges would be quite disastrous. Finally, there's the deal with maintaining it. Stone bridges need constant reinforcement with concrete when the stones erode. For wood, brittle or weathered planks would have to be replaced every now and then. For steel bridges, nuts and bolts would need checking for hairline cracks and for metal-twisting.

Building bridges is hardwork, but the benefits of a good bridge more than makes up for it. A bridge connects. And building bridges isn't such a wasteful endeavor.

It isn't much different for people, you know..

Friday, December 23, 2005

Early Resolution

It dawned on me that a lot of things need fixing. First and foremost is my perception of things. Why am I so pessimistic? No matter how crappy my own little world gets, it will still be my own crappy little world. I'm the only one that has to live in it. So I have to make changes that will reduce its crappiness a bit, for my own sake. For one thing, I easily let outside factors govern my mood.. that shouldn't be, right? I mean I can't really control how I'll feel about events right then and there, but I can reduce their effects on me, I think. Yeah, I think that's possible. It will be hard, I know. It's all too easy to slip back to old habits that have become comfort zones. Change isn't always easy, but I have to want to change in order to keep up the effort. For now I'll just start out small. Hmm, here we go:

I shouldn't set my expectations too high.
Let's face it, to rely on others for happiness and comfort is to rely on air for support. Time and again, people will let you down. I'm not saying that I shouldn't trust anyone, just that I should rely on myself more. At the end of the day, when you close your eyes and feelings of regret fill you inside, you alone would have to deal with it. There won't be anyone there helping you out.

I have to find my identity.
It's easy to lose myself in others. And sometimes it just goes overboard. I have this attachment "problem" wherein it's easy for me to attach myself to others. That's why I'm so sensitive to feeling "the drift." Because the slightest shift in the current tears me away from who I thought I was. My identity is so strongly tied to others that when those people are somehow "missing" or "absent," I don't know who I am anymore.

I am not worth nothing.
This has got to be the source of all my negativity. I just find it difficult to see myself as amounting to something. Logically, I am a person with infinite potential, and therefore, infinite worth (just like everyone else). But emotionally, I don't feel that "expensive." Maybe it started long, long ago. But what I do know is that I always find it convenient to use that reason whenever other people "neglect" my worth - maybe not on purpose. So, it just affirms itself with every instance. I know I have to get out of that loop.

There, just three for now, but they are by no means easy. It will take time, but the change has to happen. If it doesn't.. I don't even want to think about it anymore. I have to do this for myself. Just three things for now. The rest will follow.

Goodluck! I can do this!

Thursday, December 08, 2005

The day the sky fell

The sky fell on me, and it fell down hard. There were no birds chirping, no clouds gliding by, no gentle breeze blowing steadily.. just the heavy sky and the infinite blue, crashing down on me.

It feels so heavy...