Another song for my soul...

Over My Head(Cable Car) - The Fray

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

And everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

What a sad song... this is apt.

Leading away

How does one move on? Is there an easy way to do so? Moving on and getting over stuff is one of the most important lessons in life. And life teaches these through experience. There's no lecture to be had, no practice, no mock-trial. When life wants you to learn something, it goes straight to the test and you better learn along the way. But these lessons are also the most painful and most difficult to learn, especially if you had to move on from a reality that is so familiar. Moving on is like throwning away everything and starting from scratch, and we learn this amidst the flash of tears. Moving on is saying goodbye, and I have never been too fond of goodbyes. A farewell to a reality that once had been real, but now only lingers in the deepest depths of the soul, in a dungeon of crushed dreams and hopes that have been given up on.

How does one get over it? That my friends is something I have not learned yet - not at this level. For how can one get over a part of one's life? Haaay, tama na.

Coldness

A recent event got me thinking about something I have already thought of before, but now in a different light completely. I once had something to say about people drifting apart. The major reason for that is through the loss of contact and time. But that isn't the only reason. There is also a matter of people distancing themselves - growing cold.

People do this for different reasons, the most common being because of hostility. But that is not the reason that made me think. What made me think is when it happens not by choice but by chance. Why does it happen even when you don't even want it to happen, or it's the last thing in your mind that you'd want to do? My first thought was that it's the mind's way to deal with something traumatic, like anger, depression, awkwardness, shock, rejection, or something one is very unprepared for. Obviously I've had my fair share of this, mainly as the target of such coldness and distancing. And almost everytime it happened, I felt lost. I know all too well what it feels to be in the receiving end of such an event. The only real way to cope is to grow cold too..

This time though, I was the one who did it. I don't really know when it started, I didn't even know it was happening. It was just brought to my attention, which now leads me into writing this. Why? I didn't want to be cold to anyone. The only reasonable explanation I can manage to formulate is that I've been too distraught by recent events that I'm not my usual self. I'm much more contemplative and quiet now. Maybe even a bit jaded. I'm not really trying to distance myself, not consciously, but MAYBE it is happening. Maybe it stems from a bit of confusion too, confusion over what to do or how to act with regards to the recent events in my life. When one doesn't know what to do, the tendency is to do nothing.

I cannot explain it further than that, but if you think I've grown a little bit cold and distant, I'm sorry. It is not my intention to do so. I know how it feels like to be on the receiving end, and I'm trying not to do it. I will never leave you, I promise.

A chapter's end

Thanks to Enzo for giving this to me a long time ago.

I stand in front of the sunrise today, filled with awe at the beauty that lies before me. I wish I could have at least an idea of what falls beyond the horizon, just as much as I wish the sea will open up to me and eat me whole. Yet the sea seems to bear a somewhat unexplainable message I couldn't decode. Something perhaps everybody knows about, something I should have known a long time ago just as much.

I stand here between the sun and the sea, both of which existed since time immemorial. I lay still, nursing my cup of coffee that turned cold, as cold as your heart has become and my pack of cigarettes, as stale as my love for you. The love you never knew existed.

The wind blew right into my face, sending shivers to my spine. It gently flew away my hair that covered the tears that I have unconsciously cried for you. I did not notice how strong the wind has become until I felt it leaving a dry saline line upon my face.

Suddenly, like a dream that has been haunting me in my sleep, I see a familiar event flash right in from of me. I could see myself alone in a room crying till there's no more tears left to cry, holding on to my pillow that has become my faithful companion in the advent of my trying to put you to oblivion. It has never been easy for me to have always fallen asleep with pillows still soaked with tears as I wake up. Yet, you don't have the faintest idea of these all, do you? You never knew.

So here I am, escaping from the bondage of you. I am a hundred miles away from the past that I am painstakingly trying to mend. This journey is for the part of me I wish to redeem, for no other reason but to put you all behind me. These will be the last tears I'll cry for you. It won't be easy, I know. But just as the sun that never fails to rise each waking moment of every day and the sea that forever links one landmass to the other, this decision wouldn't fail me. You will now be just a past worth smiling about as I think of how much I will be capable of loving another, in time. I did love you, you know. To the point of surrender. But then again, you never knew.

You were then my entire universe.
It's time you ought to know.

Moments

Have you ever felt as if time just rushed by so fast that you didn't know what was happening? Or maybe time slowing to a meandering halt just as you really want it to breeze by? Our minds are not as in tune with time as the physical world is. Our thoughts are measured in moments. Eternity can be just a moment. And a moment can last for a long time. We often drift away in a dream that seems like a lifetime, and yet when we snap back into reality, only moments have passed. In the time it takes for a single second to pass, infinite moments are created. And moments create memories, not time. That's why sometimes just a few weeks of knowing someone wonderful can already seem like a lifetime spent with them. And the agony of getting over someone lost may seem too long for a lifetime to accomplish... in the infinite moment of a second, it is too long.

All too often we take moments for granted. Moments, like time, do not repeat themselves. Moments of realizations may hit us, moments of grief may render us stunned, and moments of happiness may seem like heaven. But these moments, once passed, can only be recalled in memory, and often just bits and pieces of it.

Moments. We take moments for granted. We long for them to return once they have passed, not noticing the moments we may already be missing at that moment.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

-Robert Frost

Nothing lasts forever.. and hopefully so will the pain.