A tragedy...

It's very sad when you hear about a person dying. The recent Tsunami claimed many lives, and it is very sad; but they were people far away. Empty faces I never saw, or so I thought. Then I heard the news that one of ours was among the victims; an Atenean; a batchmate. That was closer to home; but I still didn't know the person. And then I received an email regarding services to be held at our school for her. And in the email was her picture. That picture changed everything. She wasn't just a name anymore. There was now a face to go with it.

I've seen her around. Sometimes I've wondered what her name was, as I do with every person I see. But I always tell myself that there would be time enough to learn of names and to meet new people. Apparently, it wasn't so. Today, I learned of her name - too late.

There are stories that tell of life's tenacity; human survival against unsurmountable odds. Spirit that will not fade. And then there are tragedies; of life lost so suddenly. An infinite future of possibilities snipped away in an instant. Life is so mysterious in these two aspects, when they are held side by side. One gives testament to Life's strength, and the other to it's fragility.

And this person's death is indeed a tragedy.

I've learned in high school a very important line from a book we read, "each man's life touches so many others." And now in college, I learned from my history teacher something quite similar, "every human life is infinitely valuable with infinite possibilities." And now that a life had been lost, a life that had certainly crossed mine, I wonder of possibilities that could have been. But there is just too much to limit with my words. Now, there is a feeling of loss for the possibilities that could have been. Now, a lot of things will never happen: I shall never get the chance to meet her, or talk to her, or even work with her in Celadon. She could have been a friend, and a lot of other things, for her friends and the world. But all these cannot happen anymore.

The truth is, there is nothing I can say here that would do her justice, for I never met her. I'm saddened by the loss of a possible friend, but I never knew her enough. What more of the ones that actually loved her, and cared for her? I cannot imagine the sense of loss they would be feeling now. But at least I share a little in their sorrow. That much I can offer. That is all I can offer.

Rest in peace Sharleen May Tan.

Post Christmas: Birth of a Self

This Christmas, I had been sick, so I didn't really get to do much of anything. I woke up at around 11:00, had lunch, went back to sleep at around 1:00, woke up again at 6:00 ate dinner, and slept at 12:00. All in all, I was just awake for 8 hours. My Christmas was just 8 hours long. If that isn't a loss..., well nevermind.

I'm getting somewhat better now. No more fever at least. Hope to be nice and healthy before the new year arrives. I wouldn't want to start the year feeling miserable - I'm miserable enough as it is throughout the year. And I don't want to start feeling miserable that early.

From this point on, I'm gonna create an alter-ego. It seems that my mood swings wildly sometimes and I've been having trouble reigning it in, so I might as well do what I can to help myself. In order to balance the pessimistic views I usually have about life, I'm going to create a personality that is much more optimistic than I usually am. I'll call him Gerard. And from now on, every post will have a signature from either one of us. Might make some more "people" later, but for now, two of us should be enough.

-Michael

Cheer up! Life is what you make of it. I'll try my best to balance out everything. You can't always worry about the bad stuff; if you do, then you won't notice when the good ones do arrive.
-Gerard

Christmas day, December 25, 2004

Well, its finally Christmas. Unfortunately, I'm sick.

Christmas. What's special about it? Its just one day... This year, I seem to have lost all my Christmas spirit. I don't even know the reason why. Apparently, there isn't much going on for me this season. Maybe I'm just depressed over something I have no idea of. Anyway, that's my opinion. No use dampening the spirits of everyone else.

In light of "Christmas," I'd like to greet everyone a very merry christmas. I hope you all enjoy it more than I'm enjoying it. I wish you all good health and a relaxing break from everyday stresses.

And finally, I'd like to wish three people apart from others a merry christmas. This greeting that I address to them is special because they're never gonna get it personally. Well, Merry Christmas R..., N... & L.... I hope you all have a great Christmas.

Christmas party

Last night, I went to the Celadon Christmas party somewhere in Pasig. It was on the third floor beside a pool and two buildings, all planted on a single two-floor structure. I had hoped it would be on the highest floor again so that I could get some wind on the outside deck or something... on the positive side, at least the elevator ride wasn't that long.

I sort of enjoyed the christmas party last year a bit more. Probably because there were more people back then. But it was still ok. It seems that as I get older, I'm not so easliy amused anymore. Things that used to make me smile before, now hardly elicits any response. Just like the party, maybe. But its the same with christmas in general too. And the new year. I'm not really looking forward to it as enthusiastically as before. Why is that?

Back to the christmas party.

Well, the party itself ended a bit early. I estimated earlier that it would end sometime after midnight, but apparently not. By 11:00 or so, it was over. sigh. A lot of things seem to be like that these days - they last long enough. Like candy for instance; one moment they're there, the next moment, they're gone. hehehe.

But seriously, things are indeed changing. The christmas party, the new year, factors for happiness, the amount of candy on the table... makes you wonder which one is next. Might just wake up one day and realize: nothing is familiar anymore.

I don't know how to put links in my blog.
*drat!*

That reminds me, I don't know how to do a lot of things. Makes me wonder sometimes how I get through life.

How do I manage to go through life anyway?

Another question without an evident answer...

Islands

It seems that people are indeed island - a world unto their own. And friendships are but bridges between them. That could explain why some people can't become friends - they're just too far apart, worlds apart. But even if they weren't, they have to be both willing to bridge their gap. Both will have to start building from their own side to set up a good foundation and meet halfway. If only one did the building, it wouldn't matter how strong one's foundation is - one would still not be able to reach the other side before the bridged collapsed.

Bridges are too narrow and flimsy to connect two different worlds. That's probably why even friends cannot be on the same level plane most of the time.

Different worlds. Different islands. Different views. Different cultures. Different people... I truly am alone.

In deep thought... 

Bits and pieces I

Christmas is just a few days away. But why is it that it doesn't feel like Christmas season yet? There is something that makes Christmas, Christmas - and its not here yet.

Yesterday, I managed to sleep at 6:00am because of a CS project. That's the latest I've slept on a school day. Now, its already 2:30am and I'm still awake. But I'm also very tired already.

My birthday's coming up soon, and then I'll be 20. That would mean that 20 years of my life have already gone by. If I were to live until I'm 80, that's already 1/4 of my life. What did I get out of those 20 years? It would be a pity if I didn't get anything from those 20 years.

I wonder what my life holds 20 years from now? What kind of person will I be then? What kind of person am I now? Will I have done anything for the good of Humanity? Or will I be just another faceless person in a river of people, slowly flowing towards an unknown sea of countless lives?

Bits and pieces make up a jigsaw puzzle. Some won't fit together, but in due time, a picture will be built. And no piece will be wasted.

Time to search for more...

Question...

What would you say to someone who thinks that he or she has already enough friends that it wouldn't really matter if you were included among them or not?

How long do you need to know someone to justify to yourself of their worth? Is one week enough time? Or one month? Or one year? Is there ever enough time? I once heard that there are no sure things in life besides change and death. If that is the case, then one cannot possibly ascertain the value of a person no matter how long one knows the person.

For me, there is nothing more sad than being denied friendship simply because the other person cannot find a reason for friendship. Isn't friendship itself reason enough for friendship among people?

I hope I make more friends.

That's all.

I had an "enlightening" experience recently. I still don't know what to make of it. Maybe it would change my views on some things, but then again, maybe not.

Moving on to other things, Second sem. has already begun and I think I'm trying to study more often now than last sem. I'm going to try for a better grade this time around. I just hope I can pull it off.

Hmm... a lot has happened recently that merits some thinking. Better give those things some thought before doing anything...

I'm bored...

Sem Break

Yesterday was the "start" of my sem break. Yesterday was the first day that I had nothing to do. No more deadlines or projects or tests or meetings... nothing. Yesterday was also one of the most boring days I've experienced, until today. This sudden increase of "free time" is messing with with me. It seems that life isn't as interesting as it used to be. I spent the whole day yesterday and today moving back and forth from watching TV to surfing the net, and still I'm bored. How much useless can a day get?

As unbelievable as this may sound, I miss school. I'd even go so far as to say I miss hell week too. With nothing to do, I feel empty inside. Probably because I don't feel "needed" or something.

I guess a lot of people are having fun right now; going off on vacation, going out with friends, going on a trip somewhere exotic or even relaxing in a far away beach. But for me, "fun" is the last word I'd use to describe this break as of now.

Left Out

Yesterday, I went to the debut of a blockmate of mine at the Traders Hotel. During the event, there was a flash presentation wherein some photos of the block were shown. That was when I realized something.

I wasn't in any one of them.

I find it quite unfortunate for me that I wasn't there when bonds of friendship were formed in my block. Where was I? Probably somewhere else... It seems that I'm an outsider in my own block. The people whom I would be spending four years of my life with in Ateneo are the same people that I didn't get to know.

It's easy to say that "It just happened," but from what I've learned in History class, nothing "just happens." I'm not close to my block because I rarely spent any time with them. And now, even though I try, it's proving to be much more difficult going back into the fold. I guess its my fault mostly. I should've done something; spent more effort getting to know them. Then at least I wouldn't have been a stranger to them.

It seems that that is always my problem - being too passive. I don't go out and do things, I just wait for them to happen. The problem is, most of the things I wait for will never happen by themselves. So all I do is wait for something that will never be. That's pretty much my life story, always waiting and in the end, having nothing. I realize that its not just about my block. Its about everything else. I never tried to do anything, so I got nothing.

But I'm passive - what can I do? I'll just have to wait and see...

... ... ...

There are days when I don't quite feel like myself, as if something is different, as if something has changed. It feels strange. Sometimes. Usually I'd be more detached than normal. As if staring into space is something natural to me (well, it is, sometimes.) And then I drift into a partially melancholic and stoic state where daily things don't really matter. I manage to channel off everything, even pain. Maybe this is a defense mechanism of some sort, something I learned in psy101. Whatever it is, it's a welcome moment of not worrying about anything at all, even life.
Then, when I shift out of that state, everything comes rushing back in. The emotions, the thoughts, the fears, the problems, the stress... a torrent on the verge of crushing me. I like that sometimes. It makes me feel alive when all those emotions come flooding back. And then the tide subsides, and all I have left is the longing for the next painful memory to come rushing back in, just so to break the monotony of my existence.

Silence is Golden, but not in my case...

... now I know why I got that 0.8/10 in my class recitation grade. It became all too evident during that one occassion. Who knows, I might even get a job as a statue because all I do is stand around and do nothing especially when I should be doing something.
That was the reason I had a bad day a few days ago. That wasn't the sole reason though, but that was the trigger. It seems that every single bad moment in my life had built up and crashed into me, sort of avalanching out of control. Maybe I should say I had a relapse from 4 years ago. Anyway, I lost control. But that rarely happens.
I really wish I'd spoken more. Maybe I'd have a better life worth living, than this one. Curse you silence, my constant companion.

Maybe

Sometimes, I wonder how my life would have turned out if I had done some things differently. This question bothers me sometimes. What would my life be like if I had done something so insignificant at the time, like say, stay 5 minutes longer in school, or even walk a different path to someplace. Perhaps I'd have the same life, perhaps not. Perhaps I'd be a completely different person. Perhaps I'd have better grades. Perhaps I'd have more friends.

So many possibilities, and yet this is my life now. I can't go back to choose different choices. And if I could, I might even do the same things. At least I know what their outcomes are because I've lived through them.

I'd like to think I'm contented with my life, but it could be better. It could always be better no matter how good life gets. In a way, life has no limits. Only the person sets his own limits. Perhaps, I made good choices, perhaps I made bad ones, but the truth of the matter is, its all a matter of perspective. I hate that I'm introverted, sometimes. But if I had been different in any way, I wouldn't have met the people I know today. I may not have the same wonderful friends I have now if I had a different personality.

But then again, if I had been more confident, maybe I would've talked to "her" already. Maybe "she" would've liked me. Maybe we could have been more than just mere strangers. Maybe...

Another day...

Another day just passed by today, same as any other day. The sad thing about it is that it happens everyday. Countless possibilities can happen in the span of a day. Opportunities and problems present themselves. But how come a day for me is just like any other day? I feel like I'm being cheated out of my days. Nothing seems to happen that makes a day memorable from all the other days I've lived through.

On to other things...
There is a certain emptiness that I feel every now and then. And as time goes by, it seems to get bigger and extend deeper into my soul. What's this all about? How come I feel empty? Is it loneliness? I don't know... It's eating me up inside and there's nothing i can do that I know of...

Quiz results...

You are the Moon card. Entering the Moon we enter
the intuitive and psychic realms. This is the
stuff dreams are made on. And like dreams the
imagery we find here may inspire us or torment
us. Understanding the moon requires looking
within. Our own bodily rhythms are echoed in
this luminary that circles the earth every
month and reflects the sun in its progress.
Listening to those rhythms may produce visions
and lead you towards insight. The Moon is a
force that has legends attached to it. It
carries with it both romance and insanity.
Moonlight reveals itself as an illusion and it
is only those willing to work with the force of
dreams that are able to withstand this
reflective light. Image from: Stevee Postman.
http://www.stevee.com/

Which Tarot Card Are You?

err.. ok.


You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?

Hmm, possible. Just not a girl.


You are Form 1, Goddess: The Creator.
"And The Goddess planted the acorn of life.
She cried a single tear and shed a single drop
of blood upon the earth where she buried it.
From her blood and tear, the acorn grew into
the world."
Some examples of the Goddess Form are Gaia (Greek),
Jehova (Christian), and Brahma (Indian).The Goddess is associated with the concept of
creation, the number 1, and the element of
earth.Her sign is the dawn sun.
As a member of Form 1, you are a charismatic
individual and people are drawn to you.
Although sometimes you may seem emotionally
distant, you are deeply in tune with other
people's feelings and have tremendous empathy.
Sometimes you have a tendency to neglect your
own self. Goddesses are the best friends to
have because they're always willing to help.

Which Mythological Form Are You?

Another girl?


You are Long-wang!
Mythological Background: Yes, the dragon represents
everything you think of when you think of a
dragon - fearsome and invincible. Also, it is
greatly respected just because of that fact.
The dragon has a very protective aspect to it.
Even Jupiter reminds you of intense smashing
power. The dragon is almost always surrounded
by rain-bearing clouds and fog; and the
appearance of its constellation always signals
rainfall and lightning. It's also a symbol of
authority worn by the nobility and the imperial
class. Japanese Name: Seiryuu.

Which Chinese Mythological Being Are You?

I like the dragon part but is it really me?

Burnout

In just a few short weeks, 1st sem will be over, and everything will be calm again. But before that happens, there's a gauntlet of tasks waiting to be finished. The deadlines are piling up faster than I can finish them and I'm beginning to feel the results. I'm getting burned out fast. I've put a lot of effort out already, but it seems that it was late as usual. How do I cope with all these? So many deadlines, so little time...

But that's not the only reason for this current state I'm in. Schoolwork is just part of it; although it would seem to be the only part. There are hidden factors that I can't quite grasp yet. There might be something to do with everything else. Hmm... let's see, there's definitely family-related causes, and there's also friends-related causes, emotion-related causes, weather-related causes (i guess), and some other causes too minor to place in a group on their own. The bottomline is that everything that's been happening in my life is a cause, though some cause more "burn" than others.

Will I ever get anything done? I can't answer that yet. I hope though. I'm in a downward spiral and I hope I don't take anyone along with me...

"Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of humour."

Life has never been easy. Holding on to everyday is quite difficult, especially if Fate is constantly screwing with events.
I tried something lately. I'd try to make a mental list of events that happen to me everyday and separate them into "good" and "bad" categories. And it seems that everytime something "good" happens, a "bad" event follows. From what I've gathered so far, "bad" events seem to outweigh the "good" ones. Or maybe I'm just to pessimistic...

Who am I?

I'm here. For whatever reasons you have for visiting my place, welcome. My name is Michael. Some call me by that name. I'm also known to others by other names. Some are just variations of Michael such as Mike, on rare instances people call me Mikey. I'm also called by weird names like Jare, Boss, CLB, PLB, or some other name I have no explanation for... As for who I am as a person, I leave that for you to decide.