Remembrance

It's the day after Christmas and it's once again time for remembrance. I know that there were a lot of people that I wasn't able to greet. Some, I didn't know how to contact, some I've already forgotten. And so this post goes out to everyone I wasn't able to greet. They may not be able to read this, but I want to give out my greeting anyway, and wish them a very merry christmas. This is already my 21st Christmas, and in that span of 21 years, I have come to know a great many people. And I find it sad when I go through my mind trying to remember a name that I should know and come up empty. I never meant to forget. To forget people is like forgetting a part of yourself. These people, no matter how long or how short I've known them, have left their mark on me, one way or the other. And I wouldn't be the person that I am without them.

Another reason for remembrance is that last year, on this very day, a great many lives were lost. And for this christmas, it's the first one their surviving family members will spend without them. I want to remember this event, not for the sake of knowing that it happened, but for the people themselves, that they may not be forgotten, and in silent reverence for all the lost future each of them once held.

I promise I won't forget.

Building Bridges

Building bridges is hard work, and not something easily done. There is a measure of perseverance and determination in building one. First, would be the anchor, or the base of the structure on both ends. They have to be built on solid ground. These structures will be the key foundation of a bridge. If built on loose ground, the bridge will not be able to handle the stress on the structure when the connecting arms are extended. This goes without saying that it has to be strong on both sides.

The easiest way to continue from there is to build each side and meet somewhere in the middle. That way, one side doesn't over-extend and topple over in the process. For short bridges, meeting in the middle is usually the end of it. Once secured in place, the bridge is done. For longer ones, additional supports must be established first. In addition, suspension bridges would need very strong cables to bear all the weight.

In addition to the actual building, the materials would have to be the right ones. Brick and mortar are good for short ones, but using it on suspension bridges would be quite disastrous. Finally, there's the deal with maintaining it. Stone bridges need constant reinforcement with concrete when the stones erode. For wood, brittle or weathered planks would have to be replaced every now and then. For steel bridges, nuts and bolts would need checking for hairline cracks and for metal-twisting.

Building bridges is hardwork, but the benefits of a good bridge more than makes up for it. A bridge connects. And building bridges isn't such a wasteful endeavor.

It isn't much different for people, you know..

Early Resolution

It dawned on me that a lot of things need fixing. First and foremost is my perception of things. Why am I so pessimistic? No matter how crappy my own little world gets, it will still be my own crappy little world. I'm the only one that has to live in it. So I have to make changes that will reduce its crappiness a bit, for my own sake. For one thing, I easily let outside factors govern my mood.. that shouldn't be, right? I mean I can't really control how I'll feel about events right then and there, but I can reduce their effects on me, I think. Yeah, I think that's possible. It will be hard, I know. It's all too easy to slip back to old habits that have become comfort zones. Change isn't always easy, but I have to want to change in order to keep up the effort. For now I'll just start out small. Hmm, here we go:

I shouldn't set my expectations too high.
Let's face it, to rely on others for happiness and comfort is to rely on air for support. Time and again, people will let you down. I'm not saying that I shouldn't trust anyone, just that I should rely on myself more. At the end of the day, when you close your eyes and feelings of regret fill you inside, you alone would have to deal with it. There won't be anyone there helping you out.

I have to find my identity.
It's easy to lose myself in others. And sometimes it just goes overboard. I have this attachment "problem" wherein it's easy for me to attach myself to others. That's why I'm so sensitive to feeling "the drift." Because the slightest shift in the current tears me away from who I thought I was. My identity is so strongly tied to others that when those people are somehow "missing" or "absent," I don't know who I am anymore.

I am not worth nothing.
This has got to be the source of all my negativity. I just find it difficult to see myself as amounting to something. Logically, I am a person with infinite potential, and therefore, infinite worth (just like everyone else). But emotionally, I don't feel that "expensive." Maybe it started long, long ago. But what I do know is that I always find it convenient to use that reason whenever other people "neglect" my worth - maybe not on purpose. So, it just affirms itself with every instance. I know I have to get out of that loop.

There, just three for now, but they are by no means easy. It will take time, but the change has to happen. If it doesn't.. I don't even want to think about it anymore. I have to do this for myself. Just three things for now. The rest will follow.

Goodluck! I can do this!

The day the sky fell

The sky fell on me, and it fell down hard. There were no birds chirping, no clouds gliding by, no gentle breeze blowing steadily.. just the heavy sky and the infinite blue, crashing down on me.

It feels so heavy...

On my own..

from Les Miserables

And now I'm all alone again.
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to.
Without a home, without a friend,
Without a face to say hello to.
And now the night is near
I can make believe [she's] here.

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping.
I think of [her] and I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping.
The city goes to bed,
And I can live inside my head.

On my own,
Pretending [she's] beside me.
All alone,
I walk with [her] till morning.
Without [her],
I feel [her] arms around me.
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And [she] has found me.

In the rain,
The pavement shines like silver.
All the lights
Are misty in the river.
In the darkness,
The trees are full of starlight.
And all I see is [her] and me forever.
And forever.

And I know it's only in my mind,
That I'm talking to myself and not to [her].
And although I know that [she] is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us.

I love [her].
But when the night is over,
[She] is gone,
The river's just a river.
Without [her],
The world around me changes;
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers.

I love [her],
But every day I'm learning:
All my life
I've only been pretending.
Without me
[Her] world would go on turning,
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known.

I love [her],
But only on my own...

Bahala na

I've often thought of what I could've done different in life. Could I have done this or that; have I been fair or cruel; was I truthful, did I do my best. These questions often haunt me especially when faced with challenges. Would I be in this position had I done what I did, or didn't do?

That was something I had written a few days ago. Much has changed since just last sem. And some things will never be the same again. The topics in philo and theo are also coalescing into something big, something I think is significant. Faced with something I can only describe as harsh, in a sense, is quite disarming. I had never thought of it that way. I'm being vague now because everything else is vague too. The talks about conscience, fate, historicity, love, the mind, all of them are difficult to grasp all at once. But something is happening, that much I can say. My theo teacher, Dacanay, may be considered a "terror" professor because of his style, but there's no arguing how good he is at getting at the point.

Going back to what I had written, some thoughts had entered my mind. I had written them down here and there, but no clear, whole idea was formed...
When people say "bahala na" when faced with a decision or a path, what does that imply? At first I thought that it meant just accepting whatever will happen. It is. But there's also more to it. It also means resigning responsibility for the future, trying to forgo a decision. In a way, "bahala na" means a lack of interest or commitment. Its as if you don't care what will happen. It's an easy way out that I myself often take. Leaving it all to Fate, passing on the blame, so that we don't have to take responsibility. Bahala na. I've heard that so many times, and I wonder if people knew what it really implied. Or were they, as me, ignorant of what two simple words really spoke of.

Eternity

Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity.
And so we ask ourselves,
will our actions echo across the centuries?
Will strangers hear our names long after we're gone...
and wonder who we were...
how bravely we fought...
how fiercely we loved?

I like that quote from the opening of Troy. It sounds so.. true. There are so many instances where we must make choices that would echo for a very long time. Maybe not a lifetime, but still very long - in relation to how short our lives are.

If they ever tell my story,
let them say I walked with giants.
Men rise and fall like the winter wheat, but these names will never die.
Let them say I lived in the time of Hector, tamer of horses.
Let them say I lived in the time of Achilles.

Sea Foam

When I'm beside you, do you see me? When I speak, do you hear me? There are times when I find myself fading from this world when I fade from your memory. Only I see myself, only I hear myself, only I feel myself. And if no other can say the same thing for me, then surely I am known only to myself. An apparition seen only through the corner of the eye. A ghost wandering aimlessly looking for salvation, for purpose. As ethereal as a soul, as fleeting as a thought, as infinitesimal as a dot. Who am I without you?

I am nothing more than your imagination. Stop imagining, and I cease to be who I am. I disappear.

The Gauntlet

Registration was horrible. I got a really bad sched as well. I had to get re-advised twice because the class I was supposed to get was full. I have a 7-hour break during Tuesdays and Thursdays. I start off at 7:30am and end at 9:00pm on Tuesdays and 6:00pm on Thursdays. To add to the bad time, I managed to get Dacanay for my Theo.. whoopie-doo!! And here I was promising myself that this sem would be THE sem that I get a 4.0

I'll look at it in a different light.. maybe it's a challenge. If I really am resolved into getting that 4.0, then this shall be a challenge. This will be the gauntlet that I must pass through. This will make or break me.. gah! Maybe that's a bit too much drama. Come what may, I think I'm ready.

Stars and Candles

There are people in life who are like stars: bright, brilliant, a shining beacon to a lot of people, guiding lost souls over the vast, dark oceans at night, and.. distant. Distant stars that can never be reached. Stars admired by many, yet alone in the vast, cold sky. Such stars give inspiration in dreams, been wished upon, and cried upon. A countless multitude bearing the wishes, dreams, problems, and pains of an ocean of people..

Then there are people who are like candles. They bring light and warmth and a soft glow in the dark. Unlike stars, candles give off less brilliance, yet stars are so far away that candles radiate light much more brightly. But candles are fleeting things. They burn out after some time. And they are also easy to put out; a strong gust and they lose the fire. So candles must be sheltered..

Two different types of people. One distant yet constant, another close yet evanescent. They both share a quality that is illumination, but are so different in nature. And one cannot help but need both in life. The absence of stars would darken the sky and diminish it's beauty, and the absence of candles would darken the world and extinguish the warmth of fire.

Two types of people.. which one are you? Which one am I to you? A bit of both perhaps. For we are all the stuff of stars, yet burn for a short while in life. And oftentimes, we leave an after-image in the eyes of others, an image that comes when they close their eyes, but soon fade..

Just a Dream

Last night I had this really vivid dream. I dreamt that I had just bought a new car, complete with fancy gadgets and a classy interior. It was a sportscar, I think. But the best part was that I could drive it.. I actually knew how to drive!! The dream was so normal, besides the car being soo expensive, that I really thought it was real. And when I woke up this morning, it took me a minute to realize that it was a dream, I had no car, and I didn't know how to drive. Talk about rude awakenings and in-your-face realizations.. I did believe the dream to be true, and that waking up was just another day of it. It sucks...

Under the weather

I'm feeling a bit under the weather again, and with it everything else. Lately I've had nothing to do. That's very bad. It makes me extra aware how sucky everything can be. Most of the things I've once enjoyed doing barely makes me smile.. just feels like I've lost something.. a lot of things, lately. Maybe they're just small things I notice here and there, but when they add up, it feels pretty big, like the world's collapsing and I'm getting smothered by all the weight of it. Funny though, what I'm saying all sounds familiar. I've said it before, I think.

Life just seems too short doing nothing. I spend my days sitting in front of the TV playing the same game, watching the same movie.. it's so monotonous. There's no method to the madness anymore. Life bites. I feel really burned out for doing nothing. Like what I wrote before, lamps without oil, burning myself out.

And everyone else? Nobody here.. It sucks to feel alone when you are alone..

I don't like some of the things that are happening, but what can I do?

Popping the EK balloon.

Why do the bad things always seem to happen to me? Did I do something really bad?? When will fate stop poking fun at me and leave me be??? Sembreak is much more disorienting than any hellweek I've encountered. It is sooo stressful.

I went to EK just this Monday and when my friends and I got there, IT WAS CLOSED! HAH! That was suppose to be the center of our 3-day outing, and IT WAS CLOSED! Murphy's Law anyone?

Had this funny conversation with a friend:
Me: All my relatives are in some other country. Christmas won't be as happy anymore.
Don: Bakit naman?
Me: Eh pano, less gifts na.
Don: Ah, so yon lang pala habol mo?
Me: Hindi, I meant di ko na sila mabibigyan ng gifts kasi wala na sila :D It's better to give than to receive diba?
Don: Sabi mo yan ha, maghihintay ako ng gift galeng sa iyo sa pasko!
Me: Pero diba sabi mo rin it's the thought that counts? Kaw nagsabi nun sa car. So kendi na lang ok na.
Don: Haha, naisahan ako doon ah..

disclaimer: That's what I recall of the conversation over dinner. I'm not saying it's accurate down to the words, but that's pretty much the gist of it.

Anyway, if may magpupunta EK, please tell me.. sama ako!! And sama ko rin yung iba kong friends whom I promised a trip to EK too. I owe them that after the big letdown.

Missing people

Some things are driving me crazy. The boredom!! Gahhh!!

Anyway, things are "ok" I guess. Right now I'm trying out something.. it doesn't seem to be working though. Nevermind. *sigh*

Do you know that feeling of wanting to see or talk to someone, but somehow you can't? It's easy to say you miss the person, but missing someone isn't as simple as missing them and not missing them. There are multiple levels to it. There's the shallow level of, "oh, I wonder how he/she is doing.." Then there's the type where you really would like to see the person. And some extremes wherein the whole world seems to disappear from under your feet, inch by inch, as minutes and hours and days go by without seeing the person. And between those examples, an infinite number of ways of missing someone. *sigh* I just can't put words as to what level I'm in, but I'm guessing it's deep enough to drown in if it continues...

Too much time in my hands

There is an essay written by Marcel that we took up in philosophy recently, and one memorable passage there goes something like this:

..a human life has always its centre outside itself; though it can be centered, certainly, on a very wide and diverse range of outside interests. It may be centered on a loved one, and with the disappearance of the loved one be reduced to a sad caricature of itself... And this is not a matter so much of some final purpose to which a life may be directed as of the mental fuel that keeps a life alight from day to day. For there are, as we know only too well, desperate creatures wo waste away, consuming themselves like lamps without oil.

Never has such words been used to define a certain feeling that I sometimes get - like a lamp without oil consuming itself. It really just hit me.

There is also a conversation in a game I'm playing that sort of made a lot of sense. It says that the reason we humans sometimes act selfish and greedy is because we are only here for a short time. The immortal races(in the game) all lack the sense of passion because for them time is of no consequence. And that explains how passionate we can sometimes be on some trivial things. We're "like babies, trying to grasp at everything before our time is up." Passion makes us do rash things, deciding on a whim without seeming to think about it. Trying to leave a part of us behind that would be remembered when we pass away. Such transcient beings we are..

Sigh. It seems that I have so much time in my hands again, more that what I can think of to do with. It seems that I'm burning without oil again. I have so much idle time that.. the things I usually think about every now and then before, I can't help but think of much more often now. I agree with what I heard before, the key to a happier life is lowered expectations. Why do people dream? Dreams are just that after all - dreams. Sometimes I'm tired of dreaming about the future, the future I want. It all seems so improbable now.

Gah! Enough of that already. Please, somebody save me from this boredom! I want to do something, go somewhere, meet someone, anything.. just save me from wasting away doing nothing, feeling useless, feeling forgotten.

Life101

There's not much to say right now despite the fact that there's a lot of things going on in my mind. There's always a lot of things going on in my mind. I can't really help it.

I just finished watching 50 First Dates again for the nth time, and I could go on watching it still. It really is such a nice movie, but those things never happen in real life. Sure there may be instances of that mental disability, but the story itself is so improbable. It would be nice though..

It seems to me that life is testing me everyday. And everyday I keep failing. Where are the books? Where are the handouts? The readings? The notes? The tests are so subjective that there are no sure answers. But why do I still feel that I'm failing? It's like everyday, I'm unprepared for the test. They say you learn from experience, and experience usually comes from mistakes. If that's true, I should be a genius right about now. The fact is, nothing you do can really prepare you for living life. You may say that experience is an advantage, but life cases never repeat. They may be similar, but they're always so distinctly different that experience in one isn't such a big help in another situation. The only thing it may provide is a sort of numbness to ease away the pain.

Interesting topic, that of pain. There are many types. All of them can be channeled out, but perhaps the most painful ones that linger is emotional pain - the type that drives straight into the soul. There's no defense against that, other than numbness. No physical armor will ever protect you from that. I guess even Superman, the man of steel, is not immune to that. For that type of pain doesn't harm the flesh, it seeks out the heart and runs it through. It's the cost of having a heart - that it gets hurt, like everything that exists.

To feel or not to feel

Nothing much is happening here. Life, as usual, is disjoint from utopia. Well, there's no such thing anyway. Sometimes when you have so much time to think, it doesn't do you any good. All this negativity recently is being fed by something. And I'm afraid that it's starting to reflect on my perspective. The hollowness I felt was scary, but the scarier part is getting used to it. As each day passes, I lose a little bit of my spirit. Things had been confusing, to say the least, a few weeks ago. But now, it's all like a blur. It's like I've run out of reactions. Don't get me wrong, I can still feel emotions, it's just that it all feels so.. normal. I'm getting so used to everyday having the same feelings, the same fears, the same worries, that it's not as big a thing as before. There's a sort of numbness in it all. A welcome numbness at times.

When I think about it, being numb to feeling might be a good thing. But then again, it's never a good thing to be numb always. Humanity begs us to feel, to respond, to live. The only way I can explain this is when you're hungry. Your stomach feels empty and you feel like you're being eaten up inside. But at some point, you don't feel hungry anymore. Like the hunger has passed, even though you know you haven't eaten anything.

It's a choice: to feel, and with it all the sensations that make us who we are. All the fears, laughter, tears, and hope. or to be numb, to shut out everything. I know you'd say that living is a far better option than not, but when all you've felt is negative, and everything seems to crash down quite often, isn't there a part of you willing to give in to the numbness that's beckoning? Sometimes, doesn't it seem easier to just curl up under a rock and hide?

Lost center

I think I've lost my center again. It's just like losing your balance, only longer. Sort of. When you lose your balance, you just wobble around a bit, maybe even fall. But it's easy to regain. Lose your center and well, that's a different story. When you lose your center, you experience so many things that descriptions would seem to contradict each other. You feel as if you're falling and yet not falling. When you lose your center, you lose your anchor to daily life. So you drift around, maybe wandering aimlessly. You feel like you're falling too, as I've said. But there's no ground to hit, just a lot of falling. And falling is scary because you really feel helpless. Losing your center also means there's a certain hollowness inside. There was something there that's not there anymore, a missing piece. An emptiness that's dying to be filled up. And it really doesn't matter what fills it up again, as long as it's substantial.

I don't know why I'm writing right now. I just feel like it. Honestly, I'm just trying to reach out to anyone. I'm wishing someone would come and fill up this hollowness; bring me back my center. But if I had a coin for every wish I made, I'd never run out of money ever. I'm not usually very open about these things, but I really feel so alone right now. I can't think straight. I can't function well. I'm really very much confused and broken up. I've been through this once before, but it's not the same thing. It's never the same thing. It helps to write; it's a form of release on my part. But then again it doesn't help much. Consider this a cry for help; an act of desperation on my part. It's at this time that I'm really at my weakest. The world goes on, whatever happens. I guess at the very least, I'm just looking for presence. A reminder that I'm not forgotten. A sign that I'm not alone. I just need reassurance that everything's gonna be fine, that I'll get by somehow. I feel cold and lost and empty.. won't somebody bring me back to humanity?

It sucks to be me.

Pagsasapalaran

Mahirap ang makipagsapalaran. Di mo malalaman kung saan ang iyong patutunguhan. Mahaba ang daan, parang walang katapusan. Paikit-ikot ang daloy ng lansangan. Minsan ang daang tinatahak ay nahahati sa maraming hinaharap. At walang pinagkakaiba ang bawat isa sa kanila. Ang paglakad sa isa ay nangangahulugang pagtalikod sa iba. Napapako ang landas sa daang linalakad, na madalas walang kamuangmuang kung saan tutungo. Eto ba ay landas kong totoo? O di kaya'y pagkakamaling pagpili ng daang palalo. Hanggang saan kaya ako matutungo rito sa aking linalakad? Walang tiyak na kasagutan na mababanaag mula sa bukang-liwaylay na tinutunguhan. Maraming uri ng daan ang naraanan na at muling lalakarin. May mabato at kay hirap tawirin. May maputik at madulas tunguhin. May makitid na daan, na parang walang lagusan; mayroon ding malalapad at waring madalas tuluyan. Mahirap talaga makipagsapalaran. Di mo alam kung may maaabutan sa dulo ng daang ginagalawan. Ikaw ba ay mayroon pangarap na tinutunguhan? O hanggang paglalakad na lamang ba ang iyong kahihinatnan?

Physics1 + Eco102 = Reflection

Some things are easily taken for granted. I kind of miss the past. It's in the natural law of entropy that simple things don't stay simple for very long. They move to chaos, to complication, to disorder. And in all this mess, it is very easy to forget what used to be "ok" already. Everything has to improve, everything has to move forward. But at what cost? The cost is the present.. you just miss it as you keep looking forward into evolving. And when you do realize that, it's already the past. "What used to be" is now gone. Things change, i know. I just can't understand why, at times. There used to be answers before, now I'm only left with questions.

They say that if you compare "before" and "now," you'll end up with the short end of the stick. I can't count how many things I've observed from before that are gone now. Simple things really, but they do add up. And it seems that it's true that you only miss things when they're gone. A simple "thanks" that isn't said anymore because it's already "understood." A courteous "hello" that isn't needed as much. An acknowledgement of some sort that isn't shown anymore because it's normally done anyway. So many things that are lost. It reminds me somehow of the saying, "familiarity breeds contempt," but in another way. Nothing contemptuous, just familiarity in general. Let me explain a bit..

When you meet a person for the first time, you'd want to put your best foot forward, to show your best side (after all, first impressions DO last). You do this because you want the other person to see your good side. There's a certain feeling of accomplishment to winning the person over to your side, like making a new friend. So now after a few weeks, you're getting a bit familiar, and then something happens. Since you're friends already, you've already fulfilled that role and somehow it's not as exciting anymore. All the enthusiasm has been replaced with "duty." You don't do things anymore to win the person over, you've already done that. You're now in the maintenance part, and it doesn't require as much as the best-foot-forward part. You just need to occassionally say hi, speak, throw in compliments.. just necessities to keep the friendship afloat. That's what I mean when I say familiarity. You're then off to making other new friends while you keep your previous ones under your belt. But maybe my explanation isn't too clear. Here's another one..

For those who have pets, I'm sure you understand this better. Have you ever had a brand new puppy? Cute isn't it? What do you do when it arrives for the first time? You play with it, cuddle with it, talk to it.. for hours on end. You can't wait to feed it, to scratch behind it's ears, to rub its belly.. You did those things right? Maybe you won't notice gradually, but after a month or a year, what happens? The puppy grows older, yes. And then? Can you honestly say that you're still giving it as much attention as when you first got it? Do you still look forward to feeding it, playing with it, scratching behind it's ears? Or is it just another chore for you to do? Think about it. In Eco102 we learn about the value of marginal utility, maybe the same concept works here. For those who don't remember, it sort of says that for each additional specific thing you have, you get less and less satisfaction from it. So I guess it's the same for everything, even people. Sad to say, but the more "time" we spend with others, the less satisfaction we get. And so we don't put in as much effort as we used to.

I'm not sure if what I said made any sense. I wanted to write about this for so very long, I just couldn't find the words to do so. It's 2 years in the making, and I doubt that it's complete yet. It still doesn't convey everything in my mind. Some of the people who will read this might disagree. That can't be helped. Some will blame this outlook on my pessimistic approach to everything. That can't be helped too. I'm not trying to say that everyone is bad because of this. Maybe a lot of people have thought about this but couldn't point a finger to what they're thinking.

If it made you stop for a while and think, if it made you consider just a little bit, then maybe something in what I said held a kernel of truth in it for you. And that's all I ever wanted this to be - something to make people stop and think.

Uneventful day

I've done a lot of writing recently, but none of them are ever completed. I'm full of half-baked thoughts and ideas, but none of them seem to materialize into paper. They're all in my mind waiting to be lost at the slightest chance of recall. It feels like I can't do anything anymore. Like I've lost my center somewhat. I can't write, I can't draw, I can't think straight.. none of what I used to enjoy doing give me anymore gratification. This is bad. What if I remain like this forever, feeling lost and without inspiration? It doesn't take much to make me happy, but it takes even less to make me sad, as it seems. But it's not quite sadness. I know "sad," and this is not it. Something more.. something deeper.. like my spirit has lost something. Metaphysical unease? I guess. Something is missing.. it feels like I'm just waiting to die or something. I need to do something, anything, to get me out of this state, and yet I feel too lazy to do anything. Tough. My bones feel heavy. My flesh feels weak. My brain feels all dried up. My will feels.. well, I can't feel it. I'm not physically sick, but I might be if this continues..

Sembreak is nearing. And I can't help but be afraid of it. At least in school I get to see other people. Sembreak at home might just make me insane. Imagine, 30 days with no one to talk to...

Universality

It's amazing how similar each and everyone of us really are, and yet don't realize that. We all go through much the same thing, and a lot of our reactions are the same. And yet, there's a certain blindness when we're the ones making others react. How can we not see that our actions cause such ripples in others that we ourselves also experience? Are not emotions universal? The pain or love or joy that one experiences do not differ much from what each of us feels. They differ by degree and by our reactions to them, but in the end, is not a painful experience just plain painful? Is not a certain happiness just plain happy? We call them by words familiar to us because they are familiar to us. We know what it means when we say "happy" or "sad" or "lonely" or "excited." In the end, we're all just the same. We feel what others feel, we think what others think, we act how other act. But how can we still not see the "other?"

Just another song

Another song, another sentiment..

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armour
The warrior is a child

Songs have an uncanny way of describing feelings, but they're far from accurate.

I don't need to explain this anymore.. words are just a source of confusion.. words just make everything complicated..

Smile

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you’ll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what’s the use of crying?
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

I could really use one right now.. or maybe even two. But it doesn't really matter, as long as I see one that comes from you..

Away from Neverland

"Living would be an awfully big adventure.."
- Peter Pan

I sometimes come to think how silly my problems are and at the same time how serious they are too. This ambivalence has brought about numerous mood shifts in my part - a balance of which I have never found. I guess it's all a matter of how you look at it really. There are times when I'm so easily affected by the smallest of events, seemingly insignificant to most people, and yet having profound impact on my state of mind and even well-being. Some of you would likely know what I'm talking about. For others, well, you can guess. And then, when the times are good, I think myself silly for being so affected. But they didn't seem very silly then..

What I'm trying to say is that I'm really having a tough time coping with a lot of things. It's hard enough to be concerned with things I should be concerned about at this time, the normal things, and yet I can't seem to avoid being concerned with a few additional things. A few very big additional things. As the Little Prince would put it, "things of great consequence." And most of these are intangible, like feelings. Ok, so now most of you can probably risk a guess.

As Peter Pan put it, living is quite an arduous task. Each life is a story, a great adventure waiting to be told. A drama, a comedy, a tragedy; full of action, monotony, forshadowing, and the occassional plot twists; all rolled-up into a book no words can fully iterate. And the only one who gets to watch it all in it's entirety? Well that would be you.. and you're bound to miss out a few details too, so in the end, you still won't be able to see the entire picture.

I just wish sometimes that I knew all the answers to my questions.. or at least the questions haunting me right now. But where would be the adventure in that? Everyone loves a good tragedy, as long as it's not happening to them. I guess Fate has the same idea. I just wish so badly that my story takes a turn for the better, not one that's destined to be tragic..

I really need a little sweet movie-moment right now..

Apologies

I do think it's time for some apologies.. I'll just leave the names out, but I guess you'll know who you are when you read your part. I hope. If not, well, be glad that I haven't done anything to you worth apologizing for..?

I'm sorry for all the times I've vented my frustrations on your kind ears. I know very well the stresses of school and how very busy you are. Because of that, I sometimes think that my world is falling apart because people like you, whom I consider a very good friend of mine, are never around just when I have my "episodes." I'm sorry I even thought that. I know that you of all people didn't really desert me, you just have your own life to consider too. I understand that. It's just sometimes I really do feel so alone and when I look around, no one seems to notice..

I'm sorry for slacking off more often than normal. I know I have responsibilities too, but they seem.. mild, compared to the other things I usually think about. I guess I have to reorganize my priorities a bit..

I'm sorry if I haven't been so "open" at times. It's not that I'm keeping secrets from you or anything. It's just that I had wanted to sort them out before I tell anyone. I'll tell you when something comes up that I do understand. I may have also felt a little bit bad from before, when I confided in you and yet you seemed to act in a not very helpful way with regards to what I've told you. But it's ok now. Past is past. I just felt like I had to apologize for it..

I'm sorry for being the eternal pessimist..

I'm sorry if I thought some very bad things.. to the point that it's a bit of backstabbing already. It's not your fault. It shouldn't even affect me. I guess I'm just insecure..

I'm sorry that I thought you were one of those people who "use" others. I still have to learn to differentiate that from just plain personality. There will always be people I won't understand at first, but in time I will. I know you're nice and friendly in your own way, it's just that it's easy to confuse what you do with what I hated of some people. Sorry..

I'm sorry for all the times I haven't been able to explain myself. It's quite difficult doing so without revealing some secrets that aren't ready to be revealed yet. In time you'll find out. I'm also sorry if I seem to worry too much. It's really just who I am. I've also said some things which led to some misunderstanding.. I didn't mean to make it sound that way. And if ever I've been a little too annoying, I'm sorry for that too. I'm sorry when at times I panic too soon, or when I distract you from what you have to do, or when I make you worry, or when I'm just plain silly.. Right now I don't think I can apologize enough. If I say sorry to remove the guilt I'm feeling, there would be no end to the apologies..

I don't think I can apologize for all the things I've done. Maybe some other time. I just thought that apologies were in order because of a song I heard from Dishwalla. And this was the line that really struck me..

"I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold"

I guess that sums it all up.

Beyond invisible

I've talked about "invisibility" before. And now it seems that I have some newfound powers. I've taken invisibility to the next level and now I'm able to remove myself from existence for a period of time! It's sooo way better than being invisible; no one notices you even if you try to exert yourself. No one hears you when you try to speak; no one knows you're there! It's sooo great! When it manifests, I can basically walk among people I know and no one would have any idea that I'm there. It's like melting away from the world. And the best part? I can be alone for as long as I want! What more can you ask for? Nobody can bother me because I don't exist! Wow! This is soooooo amazing!!!

Something to think about

Everything's a rush..

Sometimes I don't know what real anymore. Here I go again with another vague entry.. but when has my life ever been NOT vague? It seems ambiguity and existence go hand-in-hand in my case. So many uncertainties and doubts that I really can't be sure of what I'm sure of. I'm bombarded with mercurial things and there's just no making sense of it. Right now I'm trying to weigh a lot of things. It just seems that some things are hard to shake off, like some things..

But enough of the vagueness for now, or at least a lessening of it. I'm trying to figure out for myself how some things fit "the big picture." A lot of events happen that I really can't fit into a generic model of "good" or "bad." Everything just falls on a shade of gray. I guess that's how everything goes, but how am I supposed to react to that? If it's good, then I should be happy. If it's bad, then I should act accordingly. But what of gray? Is there also a predetermined action for those type of events? In the course of this wondering, I've come upon something I've heard of before. I don't know where it came from, but it helped me cope a bit with the gray area.

Live. And let live.

Such a simple statement. Live. It tells you to go on with life, despite what may be happening. Life doesn't stop when you stop to think, it goes on. It doesn't care if you can't catch up. Live. Don't waste life, no matter what cards you're dealt with. But at the same time, try not to be vindictive or resentful. Let live. Yours is your life, but others'. Let live. Being dealt a bad hand doesn't mean wishing others to have a worse hand than yours. Let other people decide what they want, not what you want. In the end, you're not only responsible for what you make of your life, you're also responsible in letting others decide for themselves what they want out of their lives.

Live. And let live.

This has to be one of my most "positive" entries to date. I guess I did learn something from that little statement above. Or maybe it's just an easier alternative to thinking what to believe in a very vague world..

Naming the demons that lurk inside..

There's this particular feeling that I often feel on certain instances. It starts down from the pit of your stomach and slowly rises up to form a lump in your throat. At the same time, a feeling of dread swallows you up. You know something is wrong, but either you're too afraid to admit it or you really don't know what it is. There's a sense of urgency too, of wanting to do something about it but you realize that you can't, it's out of your hands. Then with the realization comes a sense of helplessness and you feel it in your gut that you don't want to be where you currently are. You try to look for a place to hide, to make it all go away, to numb the feeling as something inside you feels like it's being squeezed in a vice. You want to shout, to rage, to be angry, to cry.. but you can't. All these emotions are drowning one another that you can't express a single one. And then you feel helpless again, but of a different sort. You feel helpless that you can't find a meaning in all of this. It doesn't make sense to you, but when you think about it, it does. And it scares you. That very fact scares you, because it only means that you've already accepted it.. deep down. I know this feeling.. I know it all too well..

a metaphor

It still surprises me sometimes at how quickly moods can change.. mine in particular. It seems that I'm having a hormonal imbalance. One moment I'm ok, in a sense, the next moment I shift into a melancholic state. What's up with these sudden shifts? I can't control any of them. They just happen when they happen, and disappear just as fast - that is, when they do go away. This is becoming very stressful for me, much more so than school. It stresses me that I have no idea when the next shift will be, or how often it occurs, or for how long. I just know that it will happen. It's like riding a rollercoaster blindfolded. You can feel it pulling you up, and you know that you'll be going down sometime.. but you just can't hold your breath because you have no idea when the drop will be, nor what will happen after that.. a long ride, a short one, full of twists or very mild - you just can't tell.. happiness and sadness intertwined.. that's life. They're two sides of the same coin.. and sometimes.. sometimes I begin to think that I'd just rather not have the coin..

Explanations

I have a tendency to worry a lot. Worrying is part of life, or so I'd like to believe, but there are times when it takes on a life of its own. One thing I've realized from this is that the things I worry about tend to be things I have little or no control over, and things I consider of great importance. Small things merit small worries, but the ones that really get me worked up have a tendency of being so elusive. That's the best description I can give. Despite this being an explanation, I really can't explain everything. A factor would be because this is only meant for some people; another is that I honestly don't know for sure. For the former, well, I'll explain more some other time, or you can just ask me. For the latter case though, that's pretty much it, until I can understand a bit more. But I digress; back to the topic at hand.

As I've said, I do tend to worry around too much about things most people would find inconsequential. But taking my past into consideration, nothing is of no consequence. I guess I've told a lot of people about my pessimistic behavior, and I don't think it's gone. In fact I don't think that will ever be changed much. It's been an intricate part of my nature now that sometimes I forget that it's there. My experiences didn't necessarily help either. They just served as confirmation of what I've already established before - that, sadly, life isn't so nice. And maybe it even goes out of it's way especially for me.. But this isn't meant to appeal for pity, I only meant this as an explanation, at least partially. It's quite hard to think about these things and avoid staining it with beliefs and biases, but I am trying hard. I'm trying to write down what I have believed in for so very long. But so far I've only touched upon my pessimistic nature. Well, it plays a big role as to why I worry. You see, when something quite good happens to me, I have a tendency of not letting myself think on it too much because I believe that sooner or later, it'll just disappear, just like everythig else before it (as my nature leads me to believe). But there are times when that "good thing" tends to stay a bit longer than usual, and I become accustomed to it. That's when problems arise. The moment I get the tiniest hint of it changing, I begin to panic. It seems that I easily get attached, as some people warn me against. While this isn't really a bad thing in itself, it's bad the way it mixes with how I see things. Anyway, my point is, I do worry too much, and that is because I'm afraid. Afraid that what little I have would slip from my hands and vanish.

I've written too many things already, and still I'm not quite done. But what I was trying to say here is that when I worry about something, I'm afraid of losing it. It may be a state of mind, a person, a hope - it's those things that I've lost before in some way or another and thought I would never find again that I'm most worried about, most afraid of losing. All my other entries prior to this have served as partial explanations, a sort of precursor to this one.

In the end, I ask myself this question: Why am I writing this down? I'm risking the fact that other people are bound to read this, and maybe some will understand what I'm saying, but there will be those that won't. Why then am I still risking it? I think I know my answer..

...

I'm scared.. and worried.. and uncertain..

Gradual Change

It's one of those things that creeps up on you. Things have been changing lately, and it's scary. Although a lot of good changes have happened, I can't seem to help but wonder how many changed to a not-so-good state ever so slowly that I failed to notice them. Or maybe I'm just up to my pessimism again. Either way, I'm not too happy about it. In a sense, these gradual changes prove that things do change, and like it or not, some aren't always for the better. I've spoken about drift before, and it's the same thing. It's the tiny movements that you hardly notice until it's a long way from you already. It's the things that grow smaller and smaller everyday that eventually disappears without you ever knowing. It's the tiny amount of poison that kills you ever so slowly as each day passes.

Something must have happened.

Right now there is change happening. Whether it is good or bad remains to be seen, but I'm worried nonetheless. Worried of what I might lose ever so slowly, worried about the outcome of the change. What chimera would turn out this time? What visage awaits the morning light? As darkness is uncovered, will I discover myself to be alone again? Will I be the only one standing here when I thought otherwise? The signs are vague, and very much mixed. Words changed, and worlds changed.

When I wake up tomorrow, will everything still be the same?

Music

Music can be quite strange.

How can some music bring about a long forgotten memory? Or so easily sway a person's mood? How can it make you remember sights, smells and even tastes? It makes one reminisce, ponder, pause from whatever one's doing. Music is even said to soothe the savage beast.

There are some songs that when I hear, bring back some very fond memories. They make me feel different, make me remember sensations I had before. They make me sweat, make my skin tingle, speed my breathing, they transform me. There are songs that make me forget my fears, songs that make me uneasy. There are those that lift my spirits, and those that weigh it down. What is it in those songs that make them do that to me? It is true for everyone else?

Let's see.. from what I remember, I guess the songs that trigger those emotions, reactions, and feelings are the songs that I heard when something traumatic or eventful happens. That's my theory anyway. Maybe it's true. How else can you explain the effect of particular songs on my appetite, my sleeping habits, me boredom, my giddiness, my irritation, my elation, my sadness...

Music is such a mystery.

Windows

Here I am writing again. About what? I don't really have the strangest idea, I'm just writing and that's that. Well.. actually, there are a lot of things in my mind lately. Unfortunately, I can't write them here.. Strange? I guess. This is supposed to be a place where I can be myself, and yet even here I wear a mask that tells me what I should or shouldn't say. How ironic. The one place I can be free, I'm chained by the fact that I can't voice out everything. No offense to people who do read this, but there is just something scary about revealing your innermost thoughts to other people, no matter who they are. My mind is my private world. And the only one who lives in it is me. No one else. So it's rather a scary thought to show others what my world looks like, even through this small window, for fear that they won't understand and so judge who I am or hold reservations based on what they see through the window. And so I try to control what I write; censor it so that only the most pleasant scenes show through. So here I am again stuck without a medium for releasing pent-up emotions and nagging thoughts that the world deems taboo.

I'm stuck. This place has lost a great part of its purpose. I have a window that has been tinted to filter out the glaring colors of my thoughts. A window that serves only to paint a good picture, an illusion, an outer box to hide what is hidden.

Here I am babbling again.. not everything is so bad. The world still continues to turn, and right now it's great. Really. There are things to be happy about, though I'm still not sure if any of it is real.. or just in my imagination. If it turns out to be just mere phantoms of the mind, then I pray I don't wake any time soon. I'd prefer to continue dreaming a bit longer please, if it were a dream. If it were real.. then that's a completely different story. And I'd never want to sleep again.

What wakes me up in the morning and what helps me sleep at night is just the thought that maybe, just maybe, everything right now is real. That's is all the assurance I need to be truly happy..

A bit unsure

Something's bothering me, but I'm not quite certain if it should or shouldn't. I can't trust my reasoning right now because it's not working properly. Here's where my pessimistic view of the world around me has got to stop clouding everything; every action, every word, everything said and left unsaid..
It's quite difficult when the mind's a mess over something like this. Basic decisions become hurdles and simple questions grow to some life-changing size - even if deep down you know it's silly.

***

I recently encountered that word again, a word that I should have forgotten a long time ago. In a perfect world, no such thing should exist, but this one is far from perfect, and that has troubled me as of late. Especially now..

Fears

Some emotions draw out some rather interesting responses or actions. One of those is fear. I don't understand what is it in fear that can bring the most steadfast person trembling to his knees, or chip away resolve down to uncertainty. Fear triggers hesitation, fear triggers inaction, fear triggers the flight response. For me it's one of the most powerful emotions there is - even strong enough to render the others ineffective. It can however multiply those same emotions too.

What do you fear?
Why are you afraid?

Is fear of loss really that great? It's this fear that drives us to falter; the greater the risk, the more we hesitate. Do I move forward? Or take what I have and walk away? I don't want to face that decision again. Not with so much on the line. They say that risk equals, even outweighs, the rewards. But risk triggers fear, and fear incapacitates. It renders useless the faculties of a sound logic.

Am I afraid?

I guess. About many things. Things I do not have control of. Things that I can only wait for to happen. Fear mixed with dread. A sense of inevitability. They say you only need to get burned once to have the fear of fire driven upon you. But how can you explain the people who try to stare down fear? Are they really unafraid? Or do they have something that far outweighs their fears? - a greater fear of not doing anything about it, or not being able to do anything.

A coward dies many times before his death; the courageous only tastes of death but once.

Changes

I don't think it's good for anything to be static for a very long time, although how long is a long time really depends on many things. I think change is a necessary thing, to avoid stagnation that eventually sets in. Life is a very important recipient of change - it's what changes the most. It's dynamic and sometimes, people do get lost, unable to catch up with the changes. I think I do need to change some things in my life. It's far from perfect and I doubt any change I do will make it suddenly a whole lot better. Small steps, that's how things are done. Rush something and some things are bound to get destroyed, sort of like the wind that follows the wake of a speeding car - or plane. A sonic boom of sorts. It's the little changes that don't get noticed as much, and only by those few who pay attention. Will anyone notice how much I'm changing? Has anyone seen how much I've changed? I have. And sometimes I myself can't even tell, until I'm suddenly surprised by my own actions.

A familiar dream

It seems like I've been here before, this hazy dream of mine. It all seems so familiar.. and yet there are aspects I find alien to me as well. I'm walking this path that's constantly shifting, and yet my feet remember these same steps I took at another time, another reality. I'm living in this dream, as before, in another dream, and another awakening. It might end in the next moment, or farther still, and then again it may not be a dream anymore. Reality is so confusing now. What is dream, what is real? Both have pain all the same. Pain from a dream haunts the awakening, and pain from reality permeates in dream. In the end, what is reality but an overlapping of dreams - dreams of hope, of fear, of sadness, of joys; dreams that will come and go until you discover your life to be one big dream - then comes a rude awakening.

Wasting Time

This past week has been.. hectic, and next week promises to be as heavy as well. But despite of this, I've still had time to do things I enjoy. Like thinking. Well, it's not that I enjoy that so much, it's just very familiar to me since I do it quite often before - deep thought that is. Most of the time, it's the daily things that make me think, but sometimes, it's the rare events or not-so-commonplace things that trigger brain activity.

One such instance is when my philo teacher mentioned that when we make friends or when we hang around other people, we waste time. He said that wasting time with others is how you make friends with them. (then someone remarked that "you're a waste of time." should then be considered a compliment. hehe) As for me, I'd have to agree, but there's one thing I'd like to clarify about it. I don't consider it a waste of time. It's like this: everyone has time, and limited time at that. We get it when we're born and it continues to diminish as we live through life. And there's no adding to it. Some get more time than others, but basically the moment you're born, you start using it. You can't save time. With this in mind, whatever we do, we "pay" for it using our time. So really, whatever we do, time gets used up. And for me, I don't consider it a waste when you use it up for friends. Perhaps that's just me and what I consider worthwhile. So I'd have to disagree with it being a "waste of time" since there are other activities far less deserving. Wait, let me rephrase that. There aren't a lot of activities more deserving. Hehe.

In the end, it all depends on our perspective (again). Do you consider making friends wasting time? Our priorities are based on how much we're willing to spend this valuable commodity. After all, there aren't any refunds available, no interest nor loans, and you can't acquire more for all the money in the world.

So take it as a compliment when someone tells you that you're a waste of time. Hehe. That just means someone was willing to "waste" time on you. Hahaha.

Catching up..

Sometimes, life just seem to pass by so quickly. That's what I've been feeling recently. I can't seem to find the time, nor the words, to update this blog of mine. Even now I'm still grappling with the proper words and organizing thoughts. I would've put it off for a later day, but if I don't ever start, what can I hope to finish?

On with the recent events. I now understand how people come to detest accounting. It's so very technical. Plus I'm stuck with a 3-hour class every Saturday. I wouldn't have mind an MFW class, I'd even welcome it. It just seems that my mind can only focus so much on the first hour of class, leaving it to wander about for the remaining two hours. I just got back the results of the first LT on it too. Let's just say I got what I studied for, so I'm not too sad about it. Have to exert more effort though on the subsequent tests.

In other news (hehe), I have a feeling that I'm going to be very, very busy. Schoolwork is heavy enough, but to have 5 orgs as well?? So that's where all my time have been going.. sheesh.

Moving on.. there are a few things that're irritating me right now. I won't bother with the details though, it's not that big of a deal. There's also a lot of stress and pressure on performing my best in the things I do. That's one source of irritation I can blabber about - my laziness. Have to work on that bit.

But things aren't all bad. Good things do come too, though I'm still waiting for when it arrives, hehe. Seriously though, if nothing good ever happened, I doubt I'd still be able to live through the daily grind. I'm not really picky. As long as it makes me smile, or think a bit about something pleasant, or gives me a sense of.. I can't explain this.. fuzziness inside.. I'm glad for all those little things. They do make things a lot easier.

Currently, nothing much. Still looking for a focus. A few new secrets here and there that I don't plan on telling anyone anytime soon. (My secrets, mind you. I don't ever divulge the secrets of others;p) Pleasant secrets, and a few not-so-happy ones.

That's it for now. I'll leave with a few thoughts:
What happens now is a result of the actions and events of the past. If somehow the past could be changed, would you even dare change it knowing that what you have now may cease to exist just so you can change a few things that screwed up? To rephrase the question, is the possibility of a certain outcome worth more than the certainty of a given present?

Derailed

It's not fun getting used. I really don't mind though, just not too often. I guess it's inherent in people to do such things, though some have more control of what they do than others.

There are a few things I've discovered while living this life of mine. One is that it's quite easy to get disappointed. Disappointment is always there; everytime we hope, everytime we try, everytime we act. You can't help not getting disappointed, especially when there's so much on the line. I've had a few of my worlds shattered already, and it isn't funny when something suddenly pulls the ground from beneath you.

In philo class we ask the meaning of existence. Why do we exist? Why do we do the things we do? Why? And it bothers me so much that I can't even give an answer that somehow even partially justifies my actions. I'm stumped. Whenever I think I know the answer, it turns out to be incorrect. A lot of those answers seem right, and yet they don't have substance. I'll continue searching though.. there are just so many unformed questions in my mind that need answering, so many events that need explaining, so many things that need understanding..

How much value do you put on the things you have?

I often forget this very important question. It's not really all about material things, but of everything I consider valuable. Value is something we all give differently, and that would mean each one values things differently.

I often forget the value I put on things - how much they're worth to me. And it's sad when fate reminds you of it by taking it away, or messing it up. That is very unfortunate, but it happens very often. I value too many things, but because they're too many, I sometimes forget that they have value. That's the problem, the more you have, the easier it is to neglect individual things that don't interest you for the moment.. it's harder to hold the more things you have.

For whatever I've done, I'm sorry. Losing things is not a good way to realize their importance. By then it might be too late to get them back.

Batman began

WOW!!!

***

I'm kind of happy. Something unexpected..

People

As each day passes, I get to learn new things. Some aren't so obvious as others, but I know that I'm learning nonetheless. I think I understand a little more of the workings of the world, and though I still can't explain a lot of things, some are becoming clearer, if just for a while.

If there's one thing that makes me happy, it's meeting people. There's just something exciting about it. Whether they're people I haven't seen for quite a while or people I've met for the first time, I can't help but be happy. This realization came as a shock to me, to say the least. A few years ago, I wouldn't have thought I'd have said this. Things do change, I keep telling myself.

Socials

Another experience to write about. Another instance where my brain fails to flow freely. I should have a lot to write about, but I can't think or decide or come up with a nice enough flow of thought to write. The act of actually organizing thoughts into coherent sentences seem to jumble them up all the more. But I'll try my best.

Let's see..
I'm in this state wherein everything is a haze; surreal. Something like a high, but not quite. I seem to get this everytime I go on an overnight or an event where I meet a lot of people. Or both. Coincidentally, I just came from such an event. Who would've guessed. I already have a theory as to why it happens. One, maybe it's the lack of sleep I get on an overnight event. Two, maybe I just get overwhelmed easily when I meet up with people, much more so if there are a lot of people. After all, I didn't get that much exposure before. I'm not saying that this state is bad. It actually is good, I guess. From my perspective at least, it makes me unwind on work, but at the same time, another facet builds up. Oh well, everything has to balance out anyway. This "haze" might disappear in a few days, or even as early as tomorrow. I don't really know. It'll go when it does.

Information overload? Yep. Too many names to remember. Too many names to connect to faces. Too many faces to recall. To many of everything. But it's all fun. I'd rather have trouble remembering faces and names than not having anything to remember at all. As I said before, the more friends I have, the better off I should be.

I thought I was an introvert before. Maybe I still am; I doubt it changed. But even introverts need to have people around them. After all, people are social beings.

New Beginnings

I saw a lot of fresh new faces today. Hmm.. I wonder how many of them I'll get to meet. A lot of new people brings a lot of new chances to make friends. A lot of new opportunities too. If I'm planning to get to know a lot of them, then I better start early. Hehe. There are a few I'd really like to "meet" though. Hehe. I hope I meet "them." Forgive me for being a bit vague, but I think you can guess what I mean. Anyways, I'm getting excited already. Nothing is so exciting as meeting new people and the possibility of acquiring new friends. Ofcourse, some of those may not last that long; some may get stunted at some point. But still, there are rare instances, a small chance, that I may find very. very good friends. And that possibility more than makes up for the ones that will most likely fail.

Worse than I thought

It's worse than I thought. I realized that I easily snap at the simplest of things now. This is getting weird. And here I thought I was cool-tempered and stoic. Better stand back people. I haven't seen myself like this before and I don't know what may happen.

What made me change all of a sudden? Well, not really very suddenly, I think. Just didn't notice it, that's all. Things aren't looking so well...

Broken things

You know that feeling where everything doesn't seem to go your way, at all? I seem to be getting that a lot lately. Lots of things don't add up, and what's making it worse is that I don't know what to do about any of it. I admit that some of these are out of my hands, but I still don't like not being able to do anything about it. I don't like feeling helpless, but that's exactly what's happening.

How do you let go of something you never really had a grip on in the first place?

How do you fix something you don't understand?

Why does everything seem to break too often?

Why won't things work as planned?

Are the choices I've made worth it?

How can I tell...?

This isn't really helping. Too many stuff to shut-up about.

Numb

Sablay nanaman..

When you've lived a life full of disappointments and pain, you begin to feel numb to it. Disappointments aren't so hard to swallow; pain isn't so difficult to ignore. And the future turns into a bleak vision of an endless river of suffering. What's one more disappointment? What's one more failure? What's one more stab at the core when you've faced countless ones before?

Some say each experience is unique, bringing with it it's own blend of feelings. But those are just the first few ones. Once you look back after a couple more instances, all you can remember is the collective hurt - all those feelings generalized into one convenient emotional scar, a constant source of remembered pain. It's something that needs to be constantly refilled with new agonies and let-downs, lest they gently fade away and take with them the protection of the numbness they bring.

Numbness can indeed dampen the sharpness of negative events. But it also diminishes the feeling of positive ones as well. It's like a wall that indiscriminately protects our emotional core, a scab that covers the wound. And yet the reduced sensation of anything might make us.. cold, distant, remote.. devoid of emotion.

There has to be a balance somewhere.

A tiny thought

I'm not a very happy person. And I get reminded about that every so often. I guess it's because I'm pessimistic about a lot of things; very pessimistic. I do laugh and smile occasionally, but not too often. I'm just perpetually like that. I probably had enough of my bad experiences and decided that everything will eventually turn out bad so why bother hoping otherwise. I'm just ranting...

How is importance measured? It's different for each individual right? But there must be some common factor for determining what's important. A basis for our decisions, actions, and outcomes. Things don't just happen. Decisions don't appear out of nowhere. Outcomes don't preordain themselves - or do they?

I have to reevaluate what I consider important and secondary. There's just so many things that need attention. A lot of work, tasks, assignments, duties, promises, oaths... one could get lost doing all these things. There's also another important aspect - self. I've jumped at so many duties and work that I've pushed aside myself. Maybe that's why I'm getting burned out even after classes. A line has to be drawn somewhere, and yet I can't forget the promises I've already made, the duties I have to do, and the tasks that need to be finished.

I've been honest about my shortcomings. I don't deny that I'm lazy, or that I cram a lot. I've been known to get annoyed at the simplest of things, though not a lot of people have seen me in that state. (And pray you don't.) As I've stated, I'm pessimistic. I lack confidence in myself and my output. I'm not very good at communicating to people. And I'm quite horrible at remembering names. But this is me. I've accepted how some people are the way they are, although I still question why sometimes. I just hope people can see beyond all my faults and see me for who I am. I'm not going to elaborate on that, my lack of optimism may prove to be quite detrimental to what I may say.

Unfortunate

I once saw a friend outside school, and I realized I haven't seen the person for quite a while. I've known the person for a long time now, and yet, it seems we hardly knew each other at all. Why is that? I've known others for a far lesser amount of time, and yet some of them are closer to me than this person that I saw. I just find it so unfortunate. This seems like a vaguely familiar topic, and it is. I've written about how people develop friendships with each other and how some don't quite work so well. I've written and thought about it so many times. But I'm still far from finding the reasons why they happen. I haven't even begun scratching the surface.

What can I do about it? I don't know. I feel like a leaf getting blown through the air in this. I have no control of where I'm going and I have no way of telling how long I'll be flying. What happens in that span of time is different each time that there's no way of knowing the correct path until you've gone through it.

Looking back to that event, I'm now wondering how many times I passed by someone and didn't bother waving at the person. How many friends do I have, that have become strangers to me? How many people have I forgotten, their names buried in memories and time?

Everything.zip

A lot of things are going on in my mind right now, and only a fraction of which are vaguely logical in nature. This always seems to happen to me every now and then, usually during crunch time when all the projects and deadlines pile up. Information overload? Yep. Just like what Jaime mentioned before, the lectures are being fed to us in zip files - there's just not enough time. Mabuti sana kung yun lang iniisip ko diba? Far from it. There are other things that are craving for brain space, other things that the brain is poorly designed to handle, other things that require some.. reflecting.

I have so many things to think about that I feel as if I'm going to explode. There is really a need for me to talk to someone - anyone really, unfortunately, that's one of my "concerns" too. Is it fear? Haha. Yeah, to some extent. I'm worried of the consequences if other people knew every little thing about me, even the things that go on in my mind. I can just ignore it, but it'll come back.

The smooth, calm surface of water may hide violent currents raging underneath. A thick morning fog may hide the vast destruction of a battlefield. The stillness of the air may mask the incoming hurricane. The unmoving ground may hide the quickening of sand. A lot of things are not as they seem. And a smile can surely hide the hollowness within.

Mercurial

I have this strange feeling. Maybe it's because of the unbearable weather, or the stress of schoolwork, or the daily droning of life, but whatever it is, it's making me think and act a bit differently. You might say that it's even giving me new thoughts, or at the very least I can sense that it's making my mind wander somewhat. Hmm, perhaps "wandering" is a good word to use, but not quite "it."

Summer has been an unbelievably busy - and short - span of time. I might not have had time to take in everything that has happened. That might be the reason I'm not feeling "right." I'm not sick or anything, mind you, just feeling some weird feeling. I wouldn't say it's sadness or depression, not quite. And it's not quite melancholy nor apathy either. Maybe if you take all of those together and put in some more other stuff, maybe that would be it.

As a result, the best description of what I'm feeling right now is not really very clear at all. If I could sum it all up, I'm feeling...

...forgotten. Not really in the context of the meaning of the word, but more of the word itself. I told you it wasn't very clear.

Serious and Silly

There are times when we try to forget some things that happened in the past. Reasons vary, but the act of forgetting is the same. We try to remove it from our minds; not to think about it; but when faced with what we try to forget, we realize deep inside that we can never quite completely erase it from our minds. If it's a specially significant experience, then it gets burned in the mind. Sometimes we just try to ignore it, feign indifference. But no matter how much apathy we throw at it, how much we tell ourselves, "I don't care," it stares back at us and we know that we can't push it away forever.

Some things we just have to face.

But not now, not yet.

*******

Lined up for an hour for an advisement that took only a minute to finish... what a waste of time..

Speaking of advisement, I'm dead. And what's worse is, I'm responsible for it. I took a class that promises to be quite.. difficult. That's in addition to an already heavy 1st sem. I should've picked the easier elective, like everyone else.. "two roads diverged in a wood and I, I picked the one less traveled by.." and that may very well lead to my doom.

School of Life

Some things happen for no apparent purpose until you look back one day and realize that if it didn't happen as it did, your whole life would've been completely different.

Sometimes it's a good thing, sometimes it's a bad thing, but you wouldn't really know until some time has passed. You really just have to make do with what happens the best you can. It may be an awkward moment, a crucial turning point, an important decision, a stressful experience, a tearful night - even just a daily occurrence that happened a bit differently. Most people take everyday stuff for granted. Or even normal things. Additional work might not mean much now, but might be what determines how responsible you become in the future. A simple conversation with an acquaintance might lead to doors opening in the future. The thing with life is that it isn't predictable. But at the same time, it doesn't leave us to fend for ourselves without some "training." Although some are trained more than others. Daily experiences train us on how to respond and react to what happens around us. How we respond to small challenges determine what we do when big ones arrive. There is a precursor to everything.

I guess all I'm really trying to say is that, we should try to learn as much as we can. And not to take anything for granted. Who knows, what we pass off as useless stuff now may one day prove to be quite invaluable.

Life constantly gives us lessons. Some are easy, some are difficult. It's up to us to learn as much from them to make the succeeding ones a bit easier. Because no one knows just when an exam might suddenly pop up.

Stories

Sometimes, I feel like writing a book about my life. I wonder what kind of book it would be? Would it be a drama, or a comedy? Action or suspense, long or short, exciting or boring. I guess it would be all those things since I've gone through every one of them. Life is.. complicated like that. Maybe I'll try it one day, write a book about my life. My greatest fear though is when I finally get to read it, that I'd get disappointed. I know I've had regrets, but what if my story turned out to be one big regretful tale? I don't think i can stand that. I just wish that when it's finished, I'd have a book that I can proudly show others as a testament to who I was - who I am.

I'm sometimes envious of characters in movies. Most of them have their happy endings, where everything works out for them in the end. But Life isn't like that at all. There are no villains or heroes in life, no clear-cut good and bad. If that were so, then there would be a lot of conflict since every person would have their own story to tell. Movies are so simple.. A movie ends after two hours or so, but life continues. People die, but life goes on. Perhaps that's what makes life much more interesting than movies - you can't predict what will happen next. There's no plot, no rising action, no single climax, and no predictable ending no matter how inevitable it may be. Life is not a movie, but sometimes I sure wish it is.

But there's no way I can remember everything that happened in my life. So I'd need help in creating my book. I'd really appreciate it if anyone could share to me their memories of who I am. After all, it takes other people to peer inside oneself, from a different view.

It doesn't matter what you tell me, as long as you do.

Reason for Tears

What makes you cry?

There are many things I encounter in life that merit such action. For me, it really isn't bad. There are just some very sad events, or stories, or days.. and you just can't help it. There are also happy moments, but they don't happen much, so you can't help but cry too. We are all affected differently by what happens. Some people are easier swayed to shed their tears than others. As for me, I don't really cry a lot. I've learned when I was a kid how not to cry in response to physical pain. And as I grew older, I learned how not to cry at emotional pain too. You could say that I got used to it. But that doesn't make me immune to feeling like I want to cry. It's just that when I try to, no tears would seem to flow. I even actually thought that I had forgotten how to. But I was reminded not so recently that I still hadn't forgotten how to shed my tears..

So what makes me feel like crying? It's not that easy to answer. I usually don't feel like crying at sad stuff. I just feel sad. What makes me want to cry is when.. when I see something that's so beautiful and ideal and I realize that it's an illusion, or when an event could almost be perfect had the people involved only realized what they should have done. It makes me want to cry when I see a person give something every last thing they have, while knowing that it would never amount to anything. I don't know. Sadness doesn't make me want to cry. It's the actions of people at those times that calls forth tears in my eyes. A showing of hope when everything seems lost. A little courage when fears are great. Holding on when everyone has let go. Human spirit? Maybe. I feel like crying when I see the nobility of the human spirit against the odds, and I also feel like crying when that noble spirit is crushed. Life. I feel like crying when faced with life, and all the challenges it brings. Not really tears of sadness, no. Tears aren't sad or happy. I believe they're there to amplify what one feels so that others may see how much it got to the core of the person - that there is a core that feels.

So what makes you cry?

Perfect?

If you met the perfect person, then what?

I think the way a relationship works is that you meet someone who has potential and is willing to change. And as you get to know the person, that person slowly changes to become the "ideal" person. They improve themselves for you. And you do the same, for the other. If you both started out perfectly for one another, what happens when change does set in, as it's bound to happen?

Wouldn't it be better to start off imperfect and slowly change to become better than start out perfect knowing that it just wouldn't last?

Impressions

I'm in a "thinking" mood once again. Oh well.

I've been thinking about how first impressions work, and just how significant they really are. A lot of people would tend to say that first impressions don't last, that they won't matter once you get to know the person. What they don't realize is that the same first impressions play a key role in the succeeding interactions. In effect, first impressions determine the context of the second impression and so on. It usually cascades. First impressions or initial meetings are also very unstable to predict. So many factors are involved, such as mood, environment, time, presence or absence of certain people, problems, and other stuff that preoccupies the mind. But such an unsure thing having such a large impact on whether two people will get along is what makes life itself so uncertain. It's what makes relationships, friendships, so fragile.

What induced me into thinking about this topic? A number of things really. But one of the main reasons is a movie I saw - "My Sassy Girl." Ok, so I just recently saw it. I've heard a lot of things about this movie, and after actually having seen it, it was an experience. Now I know why people like it so much. I liked it a lot too. There's just something about the movie that makes people think and care and see themselves.. or maybe it's only just me. Ok, so first impressions didn't really apply very much to the movie, but what I wrote about the circumstance of meeting is there. Some people are just lucky to be at the right place at the right time to meet the right person. Others struggle to reach that point their whole lives, or at least what they think that point is. And often, they envision the wrong thing and miss out on their true turning point. Now that I think about it, that movie made me think about a lot of things; so much more than what I'm writing now. And yet I can't seem to find the words to express them. All I can say is that it really is a great movie, and I liked it very much. And thinking about the events that unfolded is giving me goosebumps.

There is a certain "high" that one gets after seeing a movie that struck a chord with oneself. It's as if one gets reminded of a lost dream that suddenly had a chance of happening just because it happened in a movie. It gives hope, and inspires hope. And that kind of thing is addicting. That's why love is so addicting. Or at least the illusion of love that a movie can bring.

*sigh*

If only circumstances weren't so complicated. If only things had happened a bit differently. If only my life had been one of those movies.

But no.

Drift

I've been giving a lot of thought on how things have changed. Oddly enough, nothing is as it used to be, and I doubt that in the near future it'd still be the same. Things change. People change. And I dare say that I too change.

I was inspired to write this down after reading a friend's blog entry. It made a lot of sense. There is a certain sadness when people you were once close to seem to just drift away. In my friend's entry, she talked about people you introduced becoming closer than you are to any of them. Here, it's a bit different, but also the same. Why is it that some people get along better than others. There are people who've known each other for years, and yet barely really know one another. And there are people who've just met for a few days and they're already very close. Does it have to do with personality? I've had my fair share of these experiences. You could even say that I've had so much that it wasn't even fair anymore.

There is a certain quirk in life I've noticed, and I've tried giving it a name. I call it the "Law of Drift." Basically, people drift from one another. A group of friends may be close now, but sooner or later, one will get separated from the group. It won't happen abruptly. It'll take time. But the end result will be that one person gets left behind when the group proceeds to the next level of bonding; a driftwood separated from the collective mass of floatsam. This has happened to me. I drifted, they drifted, whatever. The end result is, we're not on the same current anymore. And that is very sad indeed.

So how do you stop from drifting? I don't think you can stop it. No matter how hard you try, people just drift. Often it isn't even by anyone's choice. You don't notice it until you open your eyes and realize that there's already a huge gap. When that happens, the hard question is, "what do you do?" Do you try to bridge that gap knowing full well that it will never completely be closed, or do you try to drift yourself closer to other people instead? But perhaps the harder question is, "why did you drift in the first place?" You won't often have a straight answer for this because it happened over a good amount of time.

In DotA, when you're in a bad lane and you keep getting nuked to helplessness, there are 2 general things you can do to make sure you don't end up worthless in the later part of the game. You can either ask for help and counter-harass the other team to clear your lane, or just switch to another lane. So which one would you choose?

The life of a driftwood is a lonely life indeed.

Collateral Damage

No matter how hard I try to fix my life, more still need fixing.

It doesn't feel quite right. I sense something is amiss. I don't know what though. Everything changes, right? I'm finding it hard to cope. The changes aren't coming fast, which is good. But there are a lot of them happening, and that's bad. I can't keep up. Nothing is familiar anymore...

How do I go about fixing my life? How do I mend the broken pieces, the shattered fragments, withered parts? How do I make sure that what I have left will still be there when I go look for it? Does it even need fixing in the first place? Or should I just let go and let time take it's toll and see what happens next?

This post isn't making much sense to me right now. What happens in the interim when thought is collected into coherent ideas? Why is it that I can't seem to write exactly what I think? At which point do my ideas change into entirely different things?

Plenty more things to fix..

Decisions

Making decisions is very difficult, at least for me. When faced with a decision, either a light or important one, I find myself hesitant in choosing a direction. I usually just let event play out by themselves with as little input from myself as possible. This is especially the case when the decision revolves around choosing among two or more things of equal or more or less equal value to me. So now I'm just wondering why I do that.

I guess letting things flow by themselves gives us the illusion that the outcome we get will not be our fault because we didn't make a stand. We can then proceed to blaming fate or destiny when things turn bad because we didn't decide anything. But inaction in itself is a decision already. When we let things work themselves out, that becomes our decision - to do nothing. There's no such thing as not deciding anything. No one is immune from consequences.

I used to be very passive before. And the illusion of not being at fault when we let events take place by themselves is surely comforting. But it still is just an illusion. Now, I'd like to think that I'm more decisive. Perhaps I am. But sometimes, the lure of illusions is just so great...

Semi-Invisible

I may not be as invisible as I once thought.

There are certain times in a person's life when the person realizes something in a flash of a moment. It usually involves a new idea or a thought that the person hasn't entertained in his or her mind yet. Whatever the case, some sort of wisdom is sure to follow. I've had my fair share of these "enlightening" moments, and one of them happened today.

I used to think that I was invisible. I really did. Figuratively of course, not literally. It may have stemmed from a lack of self confidence or something, I don't know. I can only guess. But I always thought that I had to prove myself to others just so they could accept me as a person. To make a long story short (I'll talk about this some other time), I didn't think I was memorable enough to anyone except for those I've known and spoken to for a year or so. In short, everytime a far acquaintance or someone I used to know remembers who I am, I get surprised. The longer I haven't spoken to the person or the shorter time I've known the person before, the more surprised I get. Strange.

Anyway, I was walking in school and an old acquaintance of mine from a few years back said, "Hi Mike." Mind you this person didn't know me very much, we didn't even talk much before. Maybe just a couple of simple conversations; nothing beyond 3 minutes each. I've seen the person around last year, passed by each other along hallways, and everytime, there wasn't a hint that the person remembered me. No "Hi," not even a wave or a gesture of acknowledgement. Then today, "Hi Mike." That caught me off-guard. All I could do was mutter a "Hi" in response. And then we continued on our separate ways.

Talk about a weird-point-of-view-changing-moment. I guess I'm not as invisible as I once thought.

note: this happens every now and then, but what struck me today was that this person was the last person I'd expect to do something like that. Well maybe not the last person I expected, but pretty much an infinitesimal probability.

I guess I'm not as invisible as I once thought I was. And that's a comforting thought.. Yeah, I can live with that.

Situations

People are placed in different situations everyday. All of these situations are different, and people do different things in different situations. We classify them as good or bad but in reality, there isn't a "good" or "bad" situation. As I've said before, perspective plays a key role. Perspective plays a key role in a lot of things related to us humans because we are the only ones with reason enough to have different perspectives from one another. I'm getting derailed here..
As I was saying, situations are just situations. And based on our experiences, some situations may be stressful, or funny, or desperate, or ironic, or lucky, etc. I can't stress enough the importance of our perception in assessing situations.

I've heard someone say before that nothing is unfortunate if you don't consider it unfortunate. I've heard that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I've heard that every cloud has a silver lining. What do all of these have in common? They all have something to do with how we perceive the world around us. Perception.

Perception and situation go hand-in-hand. How we perceive things is based on our previous experience of a similar situation, and yet we classify a situation based on our perception. That's how events change peoples' outlook on life. That's how peoples' outlook determine their actions or reactions to events. It's just a circle, and yet each time it revolves, a small part of it is changed. That's how people change: little by little. Change too much too fast and we risk deforming the circle. Blacksmithing has a similar principle. You strike while the iron is hot, but not too much or else instead of molding the metal, you break it. Or in pottery, a constant steady application of pressure molds the clay into jars. Jerky movements deform the clay.

The point is, change is slow. But it happens. And our perception changes with each situation we encounter. We may not notice it happening, but when we look back to our past, can we honestly say that we are still the same persons we were before? I doubt it. When did we change? It's not a question of when really. The more important question is why. Why did we change? Did we change in order to cope with the situations that life indifferently presents us? Did we change in order to face those situations or did we change in order to hide from them? These are questions only we can answer because we are the ones that hammered them there, one day at a time.

Humans are more malleable than we care to think. And also much more fragile. Hammer with care - we change others too.

Towards the Fire

The main difference I see between humans and animals is that we humans have reason. Animals only have instinct. But it makes me wonder about certain things sometimes. In animals, survival is based on experience. Animals learn by experiencing things. When they first encounter fire, the moment they get burned or sense it's hot, they retreat away from it. They learn that fire is dangerous. Same thing when they encounter a snake or a venomous insect - if it doesn't kill them outright. Once they get hurt, they become wary. That's how animals have survived for so long. They learn what to avoid. They don't "hope" that a snake that bit them once won't bite them again, they've learned that it will bite them.

That's the difference between us and them. We have hope.. and reason. When we get hurt, in an accident perhaps, we reason out that it was just an accident. When we get burned by fire, we know that it's dangerous, and yet we are still fascinated by it. We try to control it, and use it. We reason out it's importance. We hope it will be useful. But it goes deeper than that.

Animals shy away from what gives them pain. They don't go back thinking that it was just an accident. They don't have the faculty of reason to think that way. Maybe that's where the saying that "people never learn" comes from. Animals learn by experience, but it seems that we do not. The most basic of emotions drive the animal mind: fear, hunger, pain, survival. For us, there are a lot more, and most of them contradict one another: hope, love, apathy, happiness, etc. Most of these can override our most basic of instincts. When we're hungry and yet we see a starving friend, we share our food. Concern overriding hunger. When there's an obstacle to be passed at the last mile of a race, determination overrides exhaustion and aches. When we love someone, hope that we're loved back overrides fears and past pains.

Maybe we'll never really learn. As humans, we've used reason as our edge over animals in the survival race. The thing that drives us against basic instincts is both our advantage and our folly, because we are the only creatures that shun our basic survival instincts. We come to learn what can hurt us and maybe even kill us. We even embrace that which gives us pain. Once bitten, twice shy. But in our case, once bitten, hope it doesn't bite again.

I'll never learn.

Balance

There has to be a balance somewhere. Why do I feel as if there's no such thing as a balanced "balance" anymore? When you look at the big picture, sure, there's a balance of sorts - good things and bad things usually even out. But that's with the big picture. What about localities? That's where balance goes haywire. There doesn't seem to be a balance right now. Too many "bad" stuff to think and worry about.

But then.. what about perspective? Is that taken into consideration? If "good" and "bad" things balance things out, what about peoples' perspective? Surely that should be taken into account since nothing is unfortunate if one doesn't consider it unfortunate. That's where my confusion sets in. Where do you draw the line? Lines shouldn't be vague. In paper, a line is a line. But in reality, the line that divides two or more thoughts leave a lot of gray area to be guessed at. Theory is often much simpler that actual practice, when thought is involved. The only reason a lot of people think otherwise is because they rely a lot on one thing theories can never use for justification. Call is feeling, faith, fate, destiny, anything of similar name.. and vagueness, but the truth is, it's an easy way out. A simple "I guess that's just how it is," and life is much simpler. Just don't try to think WHY it's like that. You can't do that with theory. That's why it's so difficult to explain a lot of everyday stuff. It's so common that we don't really think about it enough to answer the WHY question.

So going back to balance, is there really such a thing? Daily events and experiences tell us that, yes, there is such a thing as balance. What about in the long run? Don't you sometimes get that sinking feeling where everything is slowly going from bad to worse? How do you explain that? Is that where perspective comes along? Perspective IS one of those things that blunts the harshness of reality. Is it all a matter of perspective? Or is it really just because you don't like thinking about the WHY?

We do a lot of things subconsciously. It's time to figure out why we do them.

Feeling Invisible

While in the process of relearning the basic truths of life, I suddenly remembered something that piqued my curiosity a long time ago. Why are some people always invisible? This may seem a general question now, and I'll try to figure out a general answer, but the basis of it was in relation to YM. So let me rephrase: Why are some people always in "Invisible" mode? To help in answering my question, it just seems logical to gather my own experiences. So I tried logging on invisibly and waited... after a brief trial, I'm only a bit closer from where I began in finding the answer. From my experience, invisibility has it's perks. One, no one bothers you much, so it's nice if you're busy. Two, you can "safely" observe who are online without being drawn into lengthy conversations, assuming you're popular with other people. Three, there's just a certain sense of power in knowing who's out there and knowing that they don't know you're there, something akin to living out a spy fiction fantasy. Anyway, these are the things I've observed for now.

Moving on to the general. There are two sides to invisibility. One is by choice, as a means to avoid detection. The other is by consequence, something that just happens. Let me explain. The first type of invisibility happens quite often. It's often called by other names like a "getaway", a break, or time for oneself. It's when we actively seek not to be seen in order to do something important, personal, or contemplative in nature. The second is much more common, but sadly, denied by a lot of people. The second is consequential. We really don't have a say in it when it happens to us. Now the focus or choice shifts to other people. What do I mean? The second invisibility is when we are ignored, ostracized, or even forgotten. This is when we're too ordinary or too common to interest others. It even borders on apathy and indifference. I'm finding it hard to explain right now because even though a lot of people have experienced such a thing, the words to describe it properly are somewhat non-existent.

So there. I don't think I've answered my question fully, but at least I've thought about it enough. So where do I stand? Well, both actually. And I guess everyone else will, is, or have experienced both at some point. It's just one of those things that happen that nobody can seem to figure out how or why it did.

Right now, I am feeling invisible.