On my own..

from Les Miserables

And now I'm all alone again.
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to.
Without a home, without a friend,
Without a face to say hello to.
And now the night is near
I can make believe [she's] here.

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping.
I think of [her] and I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping.
The city goes to bed,
And I can live inside my head.

On my own,
Pretending [she's] beside me.
All alone,
I walk with [her] till morning.
Without [her],
I feel [her] arms around me.
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And [she] has found me.

In the rain,
The pavement shines like silver.
All the lights
Are misty in the river.
In the darkness,
The trees are full of starlight.
And all I see is [her] and me forever.
And forever.

And I know it's only in my mind,
That I'm talking to myself and not to [her].
And although I know that [she] is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us.

I love [her].
But when the night is over,
[She] is gone,
The river's just a river.
Without [her],
The world around me changes;
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers.

I love [her],
But every day I'm learning:
All my life
I've only been pretending.
Without me
[Her] world would go on turning,
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known.

I love [her],
But only on my own...

Bahala na

I've often thought of what I could've done different in life. Could I have done this or that; have I been fair or cruel; was I truthful, did I do my best. These questions often haunt me especially when faced with challenges. Would I be in this position had I done what I did, or didn't do?

That was something I had written a few days ago. Much has changed since just last sem. And some things will never be the same again. The topics in philo and theo are also coalescing into something big, something I think is significant. Faced with something I can only describe as harsh, in a sense, is quite disarming. I had never thought of it that way. I'm being vague now because everything else is vague too. The talks about conscience, fate, historicity, love, the mind, all of them are difficult to grasp all at once. But something is happening, that much I can say. My theo teacher, Dacanay, may be considered a "terror" professor because of his style, but there's no arguing how good he is at getting at the point.

Going back to what I had written, some thoughts had entered my mind. I had written them down here and there, but no clear, whole idea was formed...
When people say "bahala na" when faced with a decision or a path, what does that imply? At first I thought that it meant just accepting whatever will happen. It is. But there's also more to it. It also means resigning responsibility for the future, trying to forgo a decision. In a way, "bahala na" means a lack of interest or commitment. Its as if you don't care what will happen. It's an easy way out that I myself often take. Leaving it all to Fate, passing on the blame, so that we don't have to take responsibility. Bahala na. I've heard that so many times, and I wonder if people knew what it really implied. Or were they, as me, ignorant of what two simple words really spoke of.

Eternity

Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity.
And so we ask ourselves,
will our actions echo across the centuries?
Will strangers hear our names long after we're gone...
and wonder who we were...
how bravely we fought...
how fiercely we loved?

I like that quote from the opening of Troy. It sounds so.. true. There are so many instances where we must make choices that would echo for a very long time. Maybe not a lifetime, but still very long - in relation to how short our lives are.

If they ever tell my story,
let them say I walked with giants.
Men rise and fall like the winter wheat, but these names will never die.
Let them say I lived in the time of Hector, tamer of horses.
Let them say I lived in the time of Achilles.

Sea Foam

When I'm beside you, do you see me? When I speak, do you hear me? There are times when I find myself fading from this world when I fade from your memory. Only I see myself, only I hear myself, only I feel myself. And if no other can say the same thing for me, then surely I am known only to myself. An apparition seen only through the corner of the eye. A ghost wandering aimlessly looking for salvation, for purpose. As ethereal as a soul, as fleeting as a thought, as infinitesimal as a dot. Who am I without you?

I am nothing more than your imagination. Stop imagining, and I cease to be who I am. I disappear.

The Gauntlet

Registration was horrible. I got a really bad sched as well. I had to get re-advised twice because the class I was supposed to get was full. I have a 7-hour break during Tuesdays and Thursdays. I start off at 7:30am and end at 9:00pm on Tuesdays and 6:00pm on Thursdays. To add to the bad time, I managed to get Dacanay for my Theo.. whoopie-doo!! And here I was promising myself that this sem would be THE sem that I get a 4.0

I'll look at it in a different light.. maybe it's a challenge. If I really am resolved into getting that 4.0, then this shall be a challenge. This will be the gauntlet that I must pass through. This will make or break me.. gah! Maybe that's a bit too much drama. Come what may, I think I'm ready.

Stars and Candles

There are people in life who are like stars: bright, brilliant, a shining beacon to a lot of people, guiding lost souls over the vast, dark oceans at night, and.. distant. Distant stars that can never be reached. Stars admired by many, yet alone in the vast, cold sky. Such stars give inspiration in dreams, been wished upon, and cried upon. A countless multitude bearing the wishes, dreams, problems, and pains of an ocean of people..

Then there are people who are like candles. They bring light and warmth and a soft glow in the dark. Unlike stars, candles give off less brilliance, yet stars are so far away that candles radiate light much more brightly. But candles are fleeting things. They burn out after some time. And they are also easy to put out; a strong gust and they lose the fire. So candles must be sheltered..

Two different types of people. One distant yet constant, another close yet evanescent. They both share a quality that is illumination, but are so different in nature. And one cannot help but need both in life. The absence of stars would darken the sky and diminish it's beauty, and the absence of candles would darken the world and extinguish the warmth of fire.

Two types of people.. which one are you? Which one am I to you? A bit of both perhaps. For we are all the stuff of stars, yet burn for a short while in life. And oftentimes, we leave an after-image in the eyes of others, an image that comes when they close their eyes, but soon fade..

Just a Dream

Last night I had this really vivid dream. I dreamt that I had just bought a new car, complete with fancy gadgets and a classy interior. It was a sportscar, I think. But the best part was that I could drive it.. I actually knew how to drive!! The dream was so normal, besides the car being soo expensive, that I really thought it was real. And when I woke up this morning, it took me a minute to realize that it was a dream, I had no car, and I didn't know how to drive. Talk about rude awakenings and in-your-face realizations.. I did believe the dream to be true, and that waking up was just another day of it. It sucks...

Under the weather

I'm feeling a bit under the weather again, and with it everything else. Lately I've had nothing to do. That's very bad. It makes me extra aware how sucky everything can be. Most of the things I've once enjoyed doing barely makes me smile.. just feels like I've lost something.. a lot of things, lately. Maybe they're just small things I notice here and there, but when they add up, it feels pretty big, like the world's collapsing and I'm getting smothered by all the weight of it. Funny though, what I'm saying all sounds familiar. I've said it before, I think.

Life just seems too short doing nothing. I spend my days sitting in front of the TV playing the same game, watching the same movie.. it's so monotonous. There's no method to the madness anymore. Life bites. I feel really burned out for doing nothing. Like what I wrote before, lamps without oil, burning myself out.

And everyone else? Nobody here.. It sucks to feel alone when you are alone..

I don't like some of the things that are happening, but what can I do?