sigh day

Life is Like a Boat
Rei Fu

Nobody knows who I really am
I never felt this empty before
And if I ever need someone to come along,
Who's gonna comfort me, and keep me strong?

We are all rowing the boat of fate
The waves keep on coming and we can't escape
But if we ever get lost on our way
The waves would guide you through another day

***
Nobody knows who I really am
Maybe they just don't give a damn
But if I ever need someone to come along
I know you would follow me, and keep me strong

***
And every time I see your face
The oceans heave up to my heart
You make me wanna strain at the oars, and soon
I can see the shore

Oh, I can see the shore
When will I see the shore?

I want you to know who I really am
I never thought I'd feel this way towards you
And if you ever need someone to come along,
I will follow you, and keep you strong

***
And every time I see your face
The ocean heaves up to my heart
You make me wanna strain at the oars, and soon
I can see the shore

think of me

Think of me, think of me fondly,
when we've said goodbye.
Remember me once in a while --
please promise me you'll try.

When you find that,
once again, you long
to take your heart back
and be free --
if you ever find a moment,
spare a thought for me ...

***

Think of all the things
we've shared and seen -
don't think about the things
which might have been ...

Think of me,
think of me waking,
silent and resigned.

Imagine me,
trying too hard
to put you from my mind.

Recall those days,
look back on all those times,
think of the things we'll never do --
there will never be a day,
when I won't think of you ...

Day After Christmas

Ok, so it's the day after Christmas. I survived another one. Somehow, Christmas gets a little bit harder to survive each year. It seems like every year, the Spirit just lessens more and more. And this year was a special one too, a much colder Christmas. Especially after everything I went through so close to the season. Sometimes just laughing all about it is the only way not to cry. If this was the season to be merry, then why am I not happy? Hey, maybe it's just because of who I am. That might be true. But there has got to be a deeper explanation for feeling hollow on special days like this.

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn't care how fast you fall
And you can't refuse the call
See, you got no say at all

Maybe this Christmas was what I needed. A time to feel so lonely so that maybe, just maybe, when the new year arrives. I'd be more grateful for the year that passed. It was a memorable year, that's true. But sad events can be memorable too, maybe more so than the happy ones...

It's the day before Christmas.

Things should be looking up, right? Unfortunately, not really. Christmas for me has always been something different. It wasn't like this all the time, it used to be fun and happy. But every year, it just seems less and less magical. If ever there was something about Christmas that I enjoyed, it's singing with my friends in the choir. That's the closest I remember to the Christmas feeling I used to feel. But last night was our last performance night, and with it the feeling of cheer has gone. Now begins the Christmas that I usually have. Funny. Spreading the Christmas cheer to the people we sing for has been the only time I felt it at all. Funny indeed, and quite ironic.

I've only had one wish this Christmas, but it's not likely to happen. What a way to end December, what a way to end the year. When everything had to happen like this, losing a bestfriend and losing more than that. Last Christmas before I graduate. Another year past. I only have one wish this Christmas, and maybe it's just asking too much.

Merry Christmas. I wish you all the happiness in the world.

Christmas Blues

I don't like this season. Every year during this time, an unsettling feeling washes over me. Every year without fail, I come face to face with a feeling of heaviness. Christmas is the one time during the year that it becomes painfully evident what my life has become.

Unlike any other season, Christmas is the one that's most ironic for me. A season of hope and joy, of giving and loving... yet my life is a staggering opposite. Especially now. This particular December is one I will always remember. Not because it is happy, but because this month has taught me a lot of lessons, some of which are breaking me apart to learn. I need to learn. It's tearing me inside.

Something light

I realize I've been writing all very serious stuff lately. So here's a funny little conversation I had over YM. It's edited a bit to mae it shorter.

Me: ah ok
Me: goodluck sa launch
Person 1: thanks daph
Me: waaa, i'm not daph
Person 1: really?
Me: all along ba you thought i was daph?
Person 1: this whole time, it's written daph on my ym
Person 1: hehe sorry..
Person 1: mike?
Me: yup
Person 1: alam ko na what happend
Person 1: medyo same kasi kayo ni daph ng ym eh
Person 1: sorry mike
Me: that's okay
Me: dknai siya, ako dslasha
Person 1: hehe sorry talaga
Me: hehe, well at least that's all cleared up
Person 1: hehe kaya pala last time was wondering why it was her pic there
Me: so yung nakalagay sa ym niya name ko?
Person 1: yap yap hehe
Person 1: hehe sowee ah..

Choices and Paths

A man once came upon the gates of heaven wherein the recording angel asked him, "show me your wounds." The man said he didn't have any, and the angel replied, "you mean to say you didn't believe in anything enough to fight for it?"

I have my own share of wounds, some recent some long past. And all of those wounds, I'd like to think, I got by fighting for what I believed, what I loved, what I dreamed, with every last inch of my will and every last breath until there was nothing left in me to give. And still I gave that little piece of me that scarred over. If today I were to meet the recording angel, I would have a lot to show.

But at the same time, there are a lot of things that I gave up because they were too difficult, too hard, too much effort not worth giving. I have a lot of those too. Sometimes the burden weighs like a mountain, and letting that go is so easy. But I have learned, more often than not, the harder it is, the more it's worth fighting for. For what can we gain of value from something so easily attained. The more effort you exert for something, the more precious it is for you. And quitting is accepting that you didn't deserve it in the first place. The true test of character is going on when everyone believes it's completely ok to give up. But there are rare times when letting go is the more valiant thing than stubbornly refusing to move on. The problem is, how can you tell when it's that time?

You can't.

You decide when the choice is in front of you, not before, not after. Maybe I'm jaded already, maybe I've given too much, maybe none of it matters after all. In life, we are all in a journey, our own journey. And as much as we'd like to travel with the same companions, we all walk different paths. Sometimes we end up in the same place, but more often than not, we reach a different destination. And sometimes, the roads we walk take a turn and move on opposite ways, sometimes never to cross paths again.

But looking back at the journey, isn't it better to say that at least for part of the way, you had a friend to walk with.

Pagsubok

If there's one thing I really learned this sem, it's that trials and suffering are both intricate parts of life. Ang buhay ay hindi nawawalan ng pagsubok. Ngunit ang pagsubok ay hindi kapareho ng problema, sapagkat ang mga problema ay mayroong solusyon; and pagsubok wala. Ang tanging tugon sa bagsubok ay ang kilos ng kalooban tungo sa pag-asa. Ang pag-asang ito ay ang kilos ng kalooban na hindi makulong sa kadiliman ng pagsubok. Ang pag-asa ang nagsisilbing ilaw upan matanaw natin at maging bukas sa lahat ng uri ng pagsubok at kadiliman. Ang pagsubok ay kailanman di matatakasan...

Marami akong pinagdaanang pagsubok ngayong makalipas na ilang buwan. At tama nga, wala ngang lunas kundi ang maging bukas sa hinaharap at ang mga iba pang pagsubok na dala nito. Tanggap na lang ng tanggap. At sa bawat pagsubok, kung tama ang pagtanggap, tayo ay nadadala sa kaganapan ng ating katauhan. Kung mali...

Nandyan naman and temptasyon na hanapan ng lunas as mga pagsubok. Ngunit walang ganito. Ang pagiging optimismo ay ang pagiging sarado sa kalahatan ng buhay. Nakikita laman ang gustong makamit na kaganapan - isang makasariling pagkilos ng kalooban.

Another song for my soul...

Over My Head(Cable Car) - The Fray

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

And everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

What a sad song... this is apt.

Leading away

How does one move on? Is there an easy way to do so? Moving on and getting over stuff is one of the most important lessons in life. And life teaches these through experience. There's no lecture to be had, no practice, no mock-trial. When life wants you to learn something, it goes straight to the test and you better learn along the way. But these lessons are also the most painful and most difficult to learn, especially if you had to move on from a reality that is so familiar. Moving on is like throwning away everything and starting from scratch, and we learn this amidst the flash of tears. Moving on is saying goodbye, and I have never been too fond of goodbyes. A farewell to a reality that once had been real, but now only lingers in the deepest depths of the soul, in a dungeon of crushed dreams and hopes that have been given up on.

How does one get over it? That my friends is something I have not learned yet - not at this level. For how can one get over a part of one's life? Haaay, tama na.

Coldness

A recent event got me thinking about something I have already thought of before, but now in a different light completely. I once had something to say about people drifting apart. The major reason for that is through the loss of contact and time. But that isn't the only reason. There is also a matter of people distancing themselves - growing cold.

People do this for different reasons, the most common being because of hostility. But that is not the reason that made me think. What made me think is when it happens not by choice but by chance. Why does it happen even when you don't even want it to happen, or it's the last thing in your mind that you'd want to do? My first thought was that it's the mind's way to deal with something traumatic, like anger, depression, awkwardness, shock, rejection, or something one is very unprepared for. Obviously I've had my fair share of this, mainly as the target of such coldness and distancing. And almost everytime it happened, I felt lost. I know all too well what it feels to be in the receiving end of such an event. The only real way to cope is to grow cold too..

This time though, I was the one who did it. I don't really know when it started, I didn't even know it was happening. It was just brought to my attention, which now leads me into writing this. Why? I didn't want to be cold to anyone. The only reasonable explanation I can manage to formulate is that I've been too distraught by recent events that I'm not my usual self. I'm much more contemplative and quiet now. Maybe even a bit jaded. I'm not really trying to distance myself, not consciously, but MAYBE it is happening. Maybe it stems from a bit of confusion too, confusion over what to do or how to act with regards to the recent events in my life. When one doesn't know what to do, the tendency is to do nothing.

I cannot explain it further than that, but if you think I've grown a little bit cold and distant, I'm sorry. It is not my intention to do so. I know how it feels like to be on the receiving end, and I'm trying not to do it. I will never leave you, I promise.

A chapter's end

Thanks to Enzo for giving this to me a long time ago.

I stand in front of the sunrise today, filled with awe at the beauty that lies before me. I wish I could have at least an idea of what falls beyond the horizon, just as much as I wish the sea will open up to me and eat me whole. Yet the sea seems to bear a somewhat unexplainable message I couldn't decode. Something perhaps everybody knows about, something I should have known a long time ago just as much.

I stand here between the sun and the sea, both of which existed since time immemorial. I lay still, nursing my cup of coffee that turned cold, as cold as your heart has become and my pack of cigarettes, as stale as my love for you. The love you never knew existed.

The wind blew right into my face, sending shivers to my spine. It gently flew away my hair that covered the tears that I have unconsciously cried for you. I did not notice how strong the wind has become until I felt it leaving a dry saline line upon my face.

Suddenly, like a dream that has been haunting me in my sleep, I see a familiar event flash right in from of me. I could see myself alone in a room crying till there's no more tears left to cry, holding on to my pillow that has become my faithful companion in the advent of my trying to put you to oblivion. It has never been easy for me to have always fallen asleep with pillows still soaked with tears as I wake up. Yet, you don't have the faintest idea of these all, do you? You never knew.

So here I am, escaping from the bondage of you. I am a hundred miles away from the past that I am painstakingly trying to mend. This journey is for the part of me I wish to redeem, for no other reason but to put you all behind me. These will be the last tears I'll cry for you. It won't be easy, I know. But just as the sun that never fails to rise each waking moment of every day and the sea that forever links one landmass to the other, this decision wouldn't fail me. You will now be just a past worth smiling about as I think of how much I will be capable of loving another, in time. I did love you, you know. To the point of surrender. But then again, you never knew.

You were then my entire universe.
It's time you ought to know.

Moments

Have you ever felt as if time just rushed by so fast that you didn't know what was happening? Or maybe time slowing to a meandering halt just as you really want it to breeze by? Our minds are not as in tune with time as the physical world is. Our thoughts are measured in moments. Eternity can be just a moment. And a moment can last for a long time. We often drift away in a dream that seems like a lifetime, and yet when we snap back into reality, only moments have passed. In the time it takes for a single second to pass, infinite moments are created. And moments create memories, not time. That's why sometimes just a few weeks of knowing someone wonderful can already seem like a lifetime spent with them. And the agony of getting over someone lost may seem too long for a lifetime to accomplish... in the infinite moment of a second, it is too long.

All too often we take moments for granted. Moments, like time, do not repeat themselves. Moments of realizations may hit us, moments of grief may render us stunned, and moments of happiness may seem like heaven. But these moments, once passed, can only be recalled in memory, and often just bits and pieces of it.

Moments. We take moments for granted. We long for them to return once they have passed, not noticing the moments we may already be missing at that moment.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

-Robert Frost

Nothing lasts forever.. and hopefully so will the pain.

A few more months

As of now, I'm still surviving. I've learned so many things already, all that's left is to wait.

I find myself drifting off every now and then, reminiscing about all of the things that have happened in my life. It's sad to realize that another chapter of life is about to end in a few more months. Now's not the time to get sentimental yet...

Sunday afternoon

Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes,
And I know, waiting is all you can do,
Sometimes...

I've been in a better mood than I am now. Right now nothing seems to make sense anymore. It's just like what a friend of mine said, the world has become tainted. All the colors are now dull; a veil of the septia hue has covered everything - tainted everything with a light that is reminiscent of a distant past. Like a forgotten memory; a faded picture locked away in a dusty attic, forgotten, lost, a shadow of the past. When does something start drifting from the "now" to the "then"? When does color fade from a picture?

We all have things we cherish in life. Some love power; some wealth; some family; some God. But there's one thing common to us all - how what we love affects us in our daily lives. The things we cherish becomes our center. Everything else revolves around it. It takes precedence in our decisions, in our actions, in how we think and do things. And when we lose that center, we're suddenly thrown off our balance. We lose our direction.. and we seek to fill that hollowness in. But it's not easy. How do you replace something that had been once the center of your very existence?

Nalalabuan na ako minsan. I recently came across a term - overcare. Meron palang ganon. And the difference between caring and caring too much is so fine that madaling mag step over the boundary. And I guess when that happens, it's bad. I've been taught na dapat everything in moderation. Although a plant needs sunlight and water, too much sun will dry up a plant and too much water will drown it. And I guess nakakasakal din when you care too much about someone.. Maybe that's why most people are afraid to care, ayaw nilang masakal yung person they care about, and so they try to put walls up.. to isolate themselves. But no matter how much they do, care has a habit of sneaking up on you, and before you know it, someone already has a hold of your life and you find yourself caring again..

Ang labo na nito. I've lost my train of thought.

Believing and Knowing

There is a fundamental difference to the two. To believe is to feel that something is true, even though evidence points to another direction. To believe is to hold on to hope, to hold on to intangible things. To believe is to trust. Knowing something, on the other hand, is to go beyond believing. There is a certain sureness that can stand independent of opinion.

But what's the point of putting them side by side?

Yun nga, what's the point?

There's no point.

Comatose

My poor blog is just about dying. Aww, not a lot of entries. Am I that busy? I don't think so.. maybe just a different set of priorities now. All the other blogs I go to get so much traffic; I don't even know who goes here anymore. If may dumadaan pa dito, magsabi naman kayo. For your sakes I'll try to update more often. If not, well.. not really a great loss - it's dying anyway.

Very nature

I should be happy.. very happy. Although there are still a lot of unclear things, at the very least there are things I can be happy about.. so I should be happy.

But my very nature is working against me. Why must I be a pessimist and a worrywart? Why must my confidence be so damn low? I really can't help it, but this is eating me out.. and it's making me seem demanding...

But I should change. I have reason to change. For once in my life, there is a perfect reason to change.

I will have to change.

Same answers

Bakit ba ganito? Tama nga ang sinabi ng isa kong kakilala, "at the end of the day, no matter how much or how hard you think, the answer will still be the same: ewan ko"

It's something I have to face. And it's not a very encouraging future..

Why were we even born with these useless organs.. appendices and hearts..

Final pages to a Chapter

I don't really understand it anymore. Sobra na ang stress levels ko.

First day of classes na tomorrow, of my final year here in school. And thinking about it just drags me down. Change is never easy. I've been a student all my life, and kahit na then I've found it stressful when I'm about to graduate to another level in education; from gradeschool to highschool, highschool to college. And now, my biggest transition ever - college to life. I wonder how I'll adapt to that change.

When I look back, I've seen myself change too. Back in gradeschool, I had become quiet and reserved because of my "environment" And up until highschool, that was how people knew me. In the later years of highschool, I started to emerge from my shell, so to speak, but those were small steps. When I got into college, well, everything changed, and yet still somehow stayed the same. To be honest, I'm still very much reserved for the most part. And a lot of people I think can attest to that. But for those who knew me from before, I think they'd say that I've made a lot of progress "humanizing" myself. Thinking about what I've gone through, what I've done, what I'm doing now, I still can't quite believe it sometimes that it was me and not some other person. I've changed, and I never imagined all of these back when I was still in my early years in highschool.

I've met a lot of people along the way too. And from them I've learned a lot of lessons about myself and life in general. Every encounter I had, there was something to be grasped at.. even though some had been the toughest events I've had to face in my life. I've watched myself grow, and I've watched as the world I knew crumble before my eyes. I've rebuilt, only to have it fall again. And yet I've always managed to pick up the broken pieces and start over. I've lost so much in the process of learning; some dreams will never visit me again; some hopes will never be more than mere memories I can vaguely recall. I've learned in philosophy that when two entities meet, both are changed by each other. Something is gained, something is lost, something is altered, but one will never ever walk away unscathed.

And when I think about all these things I've gone through, and that very soon they'll all be just memories of a previous age of my life, I can't help but feel that I've lost something. A part of me. A fragment of my dream. A feather from wings.

Shucks, emo na nga, senti pa.

What I See

Ok, I just realized it, but I'm a sucker for someone with a nice smile. It's a certain kind of smile, not the ordinary ones that look plastered on the face; not the plain ones that lack any decent emotion; not the seemingly unmeant ones. A smile is the first thing I usually see, I guess.

Next are the eyes. Not so much the color than that of the shape, though color is helpful. There's also a characteristic of the eyes that speaks of it's bearer's soul. Eyes are mysterious, I believe.

Then there's the jawline. Something about a beautifully structured jaw that frames the whole face well just strikes me as exquisite.

Complexion is sadly one of the things that attract me too, not so much the color but the tone. I like people who seem to "glow" in exuberance and vibrance.

And ofcourse, the overall alignment of these facial features. One can have all these, yet still be just "ordinary."

These are just the things I initially notice about a person. Character is another important aspect completely.

A few more regrets thrown in with the deadlines

Just came home today from the Celadon formsem. It was okay. But it's back to reality now. I have a deadline, and it is fast approaching. What do I do?

---

Formsem stuff: I'm kind of bummed. Missed opportunities and that kind of thing. Haha. Lots of 'em. *sigh* Overnight is just too short to get to know people.

1:20am

Truth be told.. pagod na ako. I've been tired for the past 3-4 weeks.. I can barely keep my eyes open, my head throbbes in pain, my vision is blurring, my body feels like lead.. and yet my day has just begun, just a few hours after the previous one ended.

I'm beginning to loathe the so-called "bunker mentality".. it limits what can be done and reduces efficiency. And it just shows how uncaring people can be.. I'm beginning to stop caring myself.. And what of panic? I'm way past panic. Despair? Done with that too. And when you get to the end of that long litany of possible emotions brought out by stress, what do you find? Indifference.

Malapit na.

"..But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly, because you tread on my dreams."
- Yeats

gone

Everything is gone.

I lost them all.

It's so hard to start from scratch again. It's like building a castle from mud.

Stresssss

Edited: too much detail on something so public, haha!

They say that a little bit of excitement makes life interesting. If that were the case, mine had been VERY interesting today - even bordering on traumatic.

Background:
I'm currently doing my practicum. Unfortunately, wala akong kilala na ibang trainee sa work ko, only my bosses and the other employees. Well, being the instigators that my bosses are(haha!), they always take advantage of every opportunity to tease me. Teasing, I can handle. There was a time though when medyo nasobrahan. A female trainee came by our part of the room and had our boss sign something. Siyempre, he didn't waste time in saying, "Ay, [girl's name], kilala mo na ba yung trainee namin? This is mike. Mike, this is [girl's name]." Boss naman, na awkward tuloy ako! Hehe, di prepared. I felt like a fish out of water. I should've known he'd pull off something like that..
Yun nga, I don't know any of the other trainees in my department...
And so every lunchtime, I usually eat with the bosses....

Today:
Well, today was quite stressful. There was a new employee that arrived just this week. Just this week and already she's joining in on the fun of teasing me dahil wala akong kilala. Mas grabe pa nga siya humirit eh..Hello? I don't know you that long for you to start doing that. I don't mind opening up to people, but there are limits. Pakonti-konti lang sana.

You know what she did? We have a monthly meeting and this month, our team is hosting it. Today she said, "Mike, ikaw na bahala sa presentation ng mga trainees. Meet mo sila and organize mo." AND THEN when dumaan yung isang trainee, she told her, "[girl's name]! Tulungan mo nga si Mike sa pag organize ng trainee presentation. Mag partner kayo and magmeet kayo to discuss. Wala pang kilala si Mike sa ibang trainees eh." And then when umalis yung trainee, ma'am turns to me with a smirk and says, "o, kailan yung libre?" Waaaaaa! What was that abouuut? I felt like a fish out of water before. Now I felt like I was thrown into a roaring fire!

Siyempre ginagawan na nila ako ng issue diba?! >_<

This is not me. I almost had a nervous breakdown. I am not a people person. Tapos she wants me to organize a meeting with people I don't know? And she even tosses me in a proverbial lion's cage with people I don't know kahit names man lang?

Sobrang stressful.

Point of Insanity

I've been on this road before, and it's not the last time I'll be walking on it again.

Sometimes, it drives a mind insane when you have to think about something, or someone, so much. Thinking is good, don't get me wrong. But is there a method to the madness to think of the smallest things, the tiniest of details, for fear of missing a point? I know. I remember. There were days when I couldn't think of any other thing except for the few words that she had so casually uttered- so carelessly let fly. It's insanity. It's insanity to try dissecting every little bit of what she said in a message.. was the first letter capitalized? Was there a smiley face at the end? How many? Did it end in elipses? What was she saying before she said goodnight? Was it just 'gnyt'? Or 'nyt'? Or was it the whole word?...

Believe me, that's insanity right there. I've been through it. And I'm not betting that I won't go through it again.. I'd just lose. They say that being in-love and being insane are not at all different, when they register in the brain. And perhaps love does bring a certain insanity about. Isn't it insane when a person's entire happiness lies on the actions of another single person? Isn't it insane when you can hear voices in your head telling you things coming from your heart? Isn't it insane when you actually believe that your heart is breaking? Or when you believe that you can fly? Or that the whole world is shattering? Or that you can't think of anything else besides her? Or that, just being with her brings about a period of such mania that leads to a high? Or when you think something bad happened, the mania is suddenly replaced by a very long depression curable only by her? Isn't it insane to feel that without her, there's no point to life? Tell me.. isn't that insanity?

"It is, I think, that we are all so alone in what lies deepest in our souls, so unable to find the words, and perhaps the courage to speak with unlocked hearts, that we don't know at all that it is the same with others."

Two more stars in my night sky..

Ok, I haven't really posted in a while. I'm not really in a "posting" mood, but something came up..

Actually, someone came up. Hehe.

This might seem a bit trivial, but who cares right? I have a new crush. And it started like this.. I was watching TV, running through the channels when I happen to stop upon this cute girl. So I hung around a bit and then I found out I was watching PBB Teen Edition pala. I was intrigued! So I stayed on, and lo and behold: dalawang sobrang maganda. The first one is yung una kong nakita - si Kim. Wow, as in WOW! Cute niya, and even her voice.. grabe, that made me smile. The 2nd one naman is Nina. Sobrang pretty, pero different yung appeal niya from Kim. No one was better than the other, magkaiba sila eh. *sigh*

But alas! They are people living in TV land - a land far, far away from the circles I dwell in. Yung mga nagugustuhan ko nga na nandito na't nakakausap ko, wala nang bright future for me, yan pa kayang mga yan na di ko man lang kilala, and definitely di ako kilala.. I'm sure after this, sobrang dami na nilang "fans" and people wanting to "befriend" them. Ako? It's useless to hope that you can touch the stars. Yun lang.

Twinkle, twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are..

You know who you(all) are :p

I am sorry for what meaning you have given what I said. I didn't mean it by the way you interpreted it. You know what I mean.

*****

This is the reason why my self-esteem is sooo low. And still you ask kung bakit ang baba.. I'm not the only one dragging it down.

Is it all just make-believe?

Illusions fade after a while. That's just how it goes. Some fade quickly while some linger on for a bit. But in the end, they're all still illusions waiting to shatter. Perhaps the most convincing of these illusions are the ones I make myself, to fool myself into thinking of something that has so little chance of ever becoming reality. Illusions ease the pain. It's like playing pretend. And it seems innocent enough at first..

And before you know it, your entire world revolves around an illusion - a star without any warmth. It seems to shine, but it's as cold as ice. And no amount of warmth will ever emanate from it. In the infinite cold, you realize that your star was nothing more than a simulacrum.

But we still hold on to these smoke and mirrors. We hold on because it gives us a chance to see, to feel, to have what we otherwise cannot. Though the reality of it is that it is nothing more than a trick of the mind we ourselves have created.

The human ego is so delicate. When an illusion shatters, there is a chance that the ego might shatter with it as well. A sort of awakening to the sad realities of life, the climax of a story told countless times. And the denouement is never easy to swallow - just like glass shards from a shattered dream.

The number one driving force for living things is that of survival. Threats to existence is always met with resistance of the highest level. But threats need not be physical. There is also an aspect to threats of this level in other forms, spiritual, emotional, metaphysical; what we cannot explain, what we cannot quantify.

Distance will have to be established, ties will have to be trimmed, and I might just survive. I'm sorry. The culling needs to begin.

Seems Like My Song

The Trouble with Love Is
Kelly Clarkson

Love can be a many splendid thing
Can't deny the joy it brings
A dozen roses
Diamond rings
Dreams for sale
And fairy tales
It’ll make you hear a symphony
And you just want the world to see
But like a drug that makes you blind
It’ll fool you every time

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger then your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn’t care how fast you fall
And you can’t refuse the call
See you’ve got no say at all

Now I was a once a fool it’s true
I played the game by all the rules
But now my world’s a deeper blue
I’m sadder but I’m wiser too
I swore I’d never love again
I swore my heart would never mend
Said love wasn’t worth the pain
But then I hear it call my name

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger then your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn’t care how fast you fall
And you can’t refuse the call
See you’ve got no say at all

Every time I turn around
I think I’ve got it all figured out
My heart keeps callin
And I keep on fallin
Over and over again
This set story always ends the same
Me standin in the pouring rain
It seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger than your pride
It's in your heart it's in your soul
(It doesn’t care how fast you fall) You're losing all control
(And you can’t refuse the call)
See you’ve got no say at all
The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie..

A Conversation

Something made me look back to some key events that happened a while back; events that had a big part in who I am right now. Yet despite their importance to me, not much have been preserved in terms of sharp memories. All that's really left is a tableau frozen in my mind, clippings of what I felt during the time - just mere ideas of feelings. And I feel somewhat silly because of those. Perhaps this is how people mature. What I had considered overshadowing my life then is now a mere wisp of a specter compared to the shadows that loom over my existence today. Times do change.. and in a way, so do people. There is an essence that remains that clearly defines who they are, but everything is subject to the whims of time.

I wonder, in the near future, what else would change. When I eventually look back to this exact time, what would I say to myself? Perhaps I'll just be laughing at myself for how much I let myself get carried away. But perhaps too I'll be seeing how much I have changed since.

Deep-rooted problems

There is much to be said about politics. It seems that it's all I hear about these past few days, and I'm getting quite sick of it. There's another event that the media is making a circus out of. And pretty much a huge part of the populace is ignorant of the factors. I for one can't say that I know very much. But that's the problem, isn't it? People know so little and yet take to the streets for something that they think they believe in. Sure, they have their resolve, but rebellion isn't always the answer (but in some cases, there is no choice). They growl at the slightest movement and see the tiniest wrong, but in the process are blind to their own shortcomings. And many people exploit all of this. In the news yesterday it was asked so many times what "state of emergency" is. And sure enough answers came. But can they not understand? They still kept on asking. I mean it's already been said that there are no special powers granted other than economic options, and even then, it's not a guarantee that it will be used. I don't see it as a problem. It just means that there is emergency. It's like having a fire and saying there is a fire loose. And then triggering the fire alarm. In much the same sense, declaring an emergency is pretty much what comes next when there is an emergency.

Unfortunately, that's where the vagueness begins. What exactly is the emergency?

To make things short, what is happening is happening because of bull-headed people who wouldn't see reason. On the one hand there are the anti-government. They see everything as wrong and frankly, I doubt they'll ever see otherwise. All they do is criticize and take to the streets. If only they worked to help and not complain all the time. On the other hand is the government side. They're not saints either. They have done a lot of things wrong, and they are often undecided of their actions. And some of the people that's suppose to care about the country put that concern in the back seat to serve their own personal growth. There is still corruption, yes.

Those are the two "hands", but in-between there is still a lot of space. That's where most people are: people who want something done, but not in an extreme way; people who get crushed in-between whenever the two fists collide; people who are actually doing something, even if it's just a little, in their own way, to help rebuild a nation.

But politics is so deeply ingrained in us. Just look around, everything is political in nature. You don't even need to look far. Even in this level, there are people who are trying to manipulate the system to achieve their own ideals. These people are blind to what will benefit the majority and only work for their own selfish goals. There is selfishness in everyone, and there is also something more noble. And it is a choice which one will govern one's life.

Leaders cannot be selfish. You for one should know this. What you think is right might be tainted by your own personal goals, and not by the common ones.

Shaded clouds and swirly skies

Okay, it's been a while since I last updated. And it's not because nothing has been happening. A lot, in fact, has happened. But for one reason or another, I can't put them here. Anyway,I'll try to put something sensible here to keep it going.

My whole life sometimes seem like one big blurry image with a few scattered points of sharp focus, like islands in a sea of blue. And the blurriness itself constantly shifts, moving from one point of density to the next, like fog swirling with the breeze. As such, there is no clear picture of my life.

There are times when I'd wish things were clearer, without any vagueness, confusion, nor uncertainty. Where everything is as clear as day and all the options laid out before me, extending towards the distant horizon. But things aren't like that. There are no easy decisions, and there isn't a clear horizon. Sometimes I feel as if I'm just feeling my way in the darkness. And besides having to contend with my inner demons, there is still that volatile factor of external existence - other people.

I can't understand some people. Well, most of them really. For me, I'd like things simple. But there are people who thrive in complications. Why do they say one thing when their actions mean another? It's totally inconsistent. Is it enough to speak? It's easy to be consistent if you're being truthful, right? Because what people say and what people do, if they come from the same place, should be the same. But why do some people put on a facade? Why do they have to put on masks?

My questions delve deeper than simply asking about "seeming" people. This is not merely a question; it's a challenge. When you hide yourself, what are you really trying to hide?

Another disappointment

Somewhat a long time coming.. occassional friendships. I've heard this discussed during one of our many lectures in theo class under Fr. Dacanay. Basically, he said that some friendships are just temporary, or "on occassion." Like when you share the same class, the same horrible teacher, the same schedule, anything that can be common. The bond that results only lasts for as long as the common thing exists. In the case of an event, once it's over, well, it's all over. I guess its like that of people. People try to find a group to belong to, even a group of two. Just to belong to something. I'm not saying I'm not guilty of such a thing - I am, sometimes. And I'm not proud of it. And when that happens, people get used. Just depends on the level of "usage" or that of the need to belong. I feel like I'm on the short end of the stick most of the time though. I'm finding out that I need people more than they need me.

I don't like this notion of occassional friendships. It makes it sound as if a friendship is just merely a commodity to be used and discarded, like a disposable comfort blanket. But then I also wonder why some people treat friendships so haphazardly. It is that common to them that they treat it as if it were nothing? Some don't even mean to do what they do. Friends are so easy to find, yet are very hard to keep. And good friends are rarer still.

I can't understand why all of this happen. Will somebody please explain it to me?

***

The nicest and kindest ones are the people who can inflict the most cruel of wounds.

Just a thought

Why do we fall in love? And despite getting hurt, why do we do so still? I don't understand how people keep giving out their hearts knowing full well that its gonna get torn to shreds, and yet still HOPE that its not gonna happen. Why is that? Why go through something that 99 out of 100 times will end in failure and misery? Is it because of that one-in-a-hundred chance? I don't see the point of it. But the unfortunate thing about it, we don't really have a choice, do we? Yes, loving is a choice. But falling in love isn't a choice. Sure its not even considered genuine love, but you can't take out of the equation the fact that it still feels pretty damn painful when it blows up in your face. When reality sets in that you're the only one who feels that way; when the chemicals that trigger the feeling finally dissipate. I've gone through enough of those to know how painful they can get. It's like your whole heart is being drawn through a vise, or getting pierced by a thousand needles, or ripped savagely apart. That's the trouble with pain brought out by the mind. Since it's not physical, you don't die from it, but you do feel like dying. And you can "die" many times over.

So far, I've had only a handful of serious crushes. That's what I call them because calling them anything else doesn't feel right. They may be more than simply that though, but I have no basis to say. But that handful became so because I had done something. What about the countless times I didn't act? What about the instances when I just kept it all to myself, and never told a soul; locked in my mind where no one can get through. The serious ones I had spoken to friends about. But these countless ones only I knew, so what about them? Well, they'll be an endless source of torture, when I think about the possibilities and realize the fact that dreams are just dreams and only be dreams.

I never liked Valentine's season.

Fear of Fire

I felt afraid. I felt afraid that I'd be seen. Not that I'm hiding, far from it.. I just didn't want to be seen. I've begun to dread the thought of an encounter. What would I say? What would happen? Perhaps I've had too many bad experiences already that I can't stand the thought of another one. Get burned too often and the thought of fire rekindles the pain of the burn.

I didn't realize until now just how much I had been affected. I kept thinking that if there were no encounters, then there would be no chance of it happening like it did many times before. No goodbyes, no awkward silences, no searching for words to say. And no more hurt.

It's funny how I'd reacted. I never imagined that I would in that way. Is this what everyone felt? Am I running away from the inevitable, or just making myself used to it slowly, or even hoping I'd forget. But I can't forget. The stories that I'd hear, the questions asked upon me, the queries to life - all of them, reminders of how much one can feel, and how much one can endure before breaking into pieces.

A part of me died then, the part that had hoped, once. They say hope can never be extinguished, and I can see that the smaller it gets, the more fiercely it burns. But it can waver, it can falter, and it can be smothered. It will continue to glow, yes. But until it has a fuel to feed it, to nurture it, it will never be the blazing fire that it is destined to be.

Too many glowing embers lay scattered on the ground, that the heat is not enough to smite the cold, mocking wind.

Songs of memory

For some strange reason, I keep remembering this song:

Halaga
Parokya ni Edgar

Umiiyak ka na naman, langya talaga wala ka bang ibang alam; namumugtong mga mata, kailan pa ba kaya ikaw mag sasawa.. sa pag tiyaga mo dyan sa bf mong tanga na wala nang ginawa kundi ang paluhain ka..

Sa libu-libung pagkakataon na tayo'y magkasama, iilang ulit pa lang kitang nakitang masaya naiinis akong isipin na ginaganyan ka niya. Siguro ay hindi niya lang alam ang
iyong tunay na halaga......

Minsan hindi ko maintindihan, parang ang buhay natin ay napagtitripan. Medyo malabo yata ang mundo.. binabasura ng iba ang siyang pinapangarap ko..

There's something about the sentiment of the song that resonates with my soul. I'm not saying that there's a real-life counterpart to it that I know. It's just that.. anyway, music and songs have a unique way of transporting us to places we've been to, feelings we've felt, experiences we've encountered, even if all those happened lifetimes ago. There's something in music, maybe the wavelength or wave patterns, that match harmoniously with those of certain memories. The result - we are instantly transported to that time, that place, that event. And it doesn't help that some songs are so frustratingly easy to get LSS at..

For me, I've got quite a collection of songs that hold particular meaning. Not in the sense that I can tell what they are when asked, but more of the type that triggers memories. Unfortunately, a large amount are not very fond memories.. but I do like to listen to those songs now and then, even if it's just to re-live the brief happiness before the day turned into night and the darkness swallowed my hopes. And in that one moment when I remember being happy before happiness was torn out from under me, I feel alive again. That I'm still here now stands as testiment to how I had survived those ordeals. They won't be forgotten, not as long as music plays in my heart and mind.

We are only people, you and I. But we are also human.

A thousand grains of sand.. or a rock

I feel like things are slipping by me. It's frightening when that sort of thing happens. It's like I don't have enough time to do everything that I need to do. Why is that? Do I try to do too much? I try to keep control whenever I can, but some things are out of my hands. Like now. I can't even tell what's wrong - I just feel that something is. You see, when things go wrong, there's no earth-shattering explosion, no heavenly sign, nor fireballs raining to the ground.. none of those that mark impending doom. Everything is as it were, except that something is amiss. What goes wrong are the small things. And they have a tendency to add up. They creep up on you and accumulate. And then in a mass of trouble, they collapse. And you start feeling that chaotic feeling, that everything is spiraling out of normality. That chaos theory really does exist, and you're gonna find out first-hand what it can do.

In the end, it's not the big things that I'm truly afraid of. Sure, they can prove to be troubling too. But the small things are the ones you don't expect. A feeling of mistrust here, a tiny gossip there, a minor let-down, a promise broken, a lack of time, a forgotten hello - these are small things that are often overlooked, or that lacking in significance. What's one little thing I didn't do? I'll do it some other time. And then it piles up..

It's the big things that we consciously remember; but it's the small things that we unconsciously take into ourselves.

Matters of Logic

There's a reason why the brain is placed higher than the heart. It's because if the heart reigned over a person, there would be no end to troubles. But sometimes the pounding can make deaf the ears to the reasoning of the brain. And even though the thinking brain is set higher than the primitive one, there are times when the latter exerts its dominance by seniority over the former. And what do you do then? Things aren't simple.

Things are never simple.
This is just a phase.. hay nako!

My turn..

Leave a comment here and...
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal.

Balance by a Thread

I must admit, life does get complicated with or without any effort. A lot of things seem to "just happen" every now and then. Although I do know that nothing ever "just happens", but they definitely seem to. And then what do you do when they do? Me? I'd like to control the situation as much as possible. I don't feel comfortable when things snowball downhill. But not all situations require manipulation.. some can just be left to happen. But there are a few important ones. That's that for now.

I just saw Narnia yesterday. Frankly, I had expected it to be better. It just seemed.. rushed. I don't know. But it had been a good day. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough of an escape. It would be wonderful to have a closet like that of my own. So I can just escape to my own little world whenever I feel like it and get lost in my dreams. If I ever have time to think about everything I'm trying to avoid thinking of, I'm going to go insane. Too many things to worry about, too many questions of why, to many mysteries to solve, too many things to sort out, too many of everything. Hmm, I'm being vague again. I can't help it. The moment I speak clearly of my situation, that will be the time when I have nothing left to worry about.. or I don't care enough to worry anymore.

2006

What can I say? Another year has passed. And as each year passes by, I sometimes wonder whether the things that happened were meant to happen. Surely not everything.. but then again, there's no way of telling.

As I watched the fireworks go off in my own corner of the sky, I couldn't help but feel.. heavy inside. Not from burdens or problems, but from sheer emotions. It seems like everything from the past year came flooding back to me as each rocket died in a spectacular display of light. Each flash, each sparkle, each note in the staccatto of sound brought back a deluge from the past. And as moments ticked away, emotions piled up. And then, as the clock struck 12, the heaviness vanished. Although the feelings and memories were still there, they already seemed part of the unchangeable past. And there's nothing that can be done.

In the early hours of 2006, a few more thoughts come to mind. I've learned of some things that are quite difficult to take right now.. But I guess I'll cope, as I always have.