Thursday, December 27, 2007

Empty Season

At some point in my life I feel that I have changed so much. One staggering example is this holiday season. The yuletide season for me has been slowly losing its "magic" since about 4 years ago. Each year, I get less and less excited about it, and the feeling of a "lost Christmas" is so disconcerting at best. I've tried to find that feeling of the holidays. I've tried so hard, doing so many things, but most of them were just temporary. Last year I caroled with a choir, and for a while it seemed to wake up that holiday cheer in me. But afterwards, it was quickly lost. This year I had no such activity. And as Christmas drew nearer, I just grew more melancholic. When Christmas Eve came, and finally Christmas Day, there was no excitement. No twinkling in my eye, no song in my heart. It felt just like any other day. And I'm greatly saddened by this loss of spirit.

What do I do about this emptiness? I can't live an empty-feeling life forever. And it gets worse every year - especially during this happy season. Something is missing in my life... a plan, a purpose, a dream, something...

I don't know what it is.
But I need to find it soon.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Hedgehog's Dilemma

The Hedgehog's Dilemma goes something like this:
In the cold of winter, hedgehogs huddle together to keep warm, but as they get closer to each other, then more they feel each other's quills.

We are just like those hedgehogs. The closer we get to one another, the greater the possibility of us hurting one another. I guess that's the risk of getting too close to a person. Let's face it, all of us have encountered such situations. How often have we been too afraid of getting hurt that we put up barriers around us to shield us from other people? Like the hedgehog, we worry about finding the right distance - too far and we feel no warmth, too close and we begin to hurt one another. And so we sacrifice some warmth in order not to get hurt, and we tolerate some pain in order to feel the warmth of others.

But there are those whose own body heat, so to speak, is high enough that they can live without another's warmth. There is no risk of getting hurt. But it too brings it's own sadness. That of loneliness. To forsake the warmth of others is to avoid the risk of pain, but to the cost of being alone. There are those people who have been too hurt, too much, that they decide it is better to be alone than to get hurt again. It seems strangely familiar. We all have these moments. Moments when we feel the world crashing down on us because we opened our core to someone, and they had shoved a sharp stick into it.

Sometimes, it's hard to find that balance. Sometimes, the pain, or fear of pain, is just too much. Sometimes, it's easier not to get too close. Even if it means being alone.

Sometimes.

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Another bad day

*warning to "avid" readers: not a happy post*

Sometimes, things just come out of nowhere and hits you right across your face. What's worse is if it was something unexpected. It kind of feels like choking on water. Some realizations really aren't easily realized without feeling bad about them.

And so that day would fall under being a bad day. Bad days become bad weeks, and then bad months... pretty soon, you end up having a bad life. A lousy one...

So here's to my sucky day (probably far from my last, as it would seem)

Daniel Powter
Bad Day

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to gray
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carryin' on

Because you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Will you need a blue sky holiday?
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day...

if what I've learned is true, or what I fear is real, then...
I don't know what to do...

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Timing

I got this from another person, who in turn got it from someone else. And I guess a lot of people do know this feeling and it's just so unfortunate that things go like this...

In your life, you'll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There's the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you're with... and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away? I guess it's that person, with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person; there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn't fall the right way, I suppose.

I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance.

How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you're not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn't matter who you're with, it just doesn't work. Small problems become big; inconsequential, become deal breakers simply because you're not ready and it shows. It's not that you and the person you're with are no good; it just that it's not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.

Then one day you're ready. You really are. And when this happens you'll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect. They might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it'll work because you're ready. It will work because it's the right time and you'll make it work. And it'll make sense, it really will.

So that day comes when you're finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, and you finally understand who you are and what you want. And you've become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there's no telling when this day will come. Hopefully you're single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids. It doesn't matter. All you know is that you've changed, and for some reason, the one that got away is the first person you think about.

You'll think about them because you'll wonder, "What if they were here today?" You'll wonder, "What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?" That's what the one that got away is, the biggest "What if?" you'll have in your life.

If you're married, you'll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you're mature enough to realize that you're already with the one you're with and this is just another test of your commitment. One which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you'll think about him/her every so often, but it's alright. It's never nice to live with a "might have been," but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who's already married. In which case it's the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you're old and gray and reminiscing.

But if neither of that is the case, then it's different. What do you do if it's not yet too late? Simple...find him, find her. Because the very existence of a "one that got away" means that you'll always wonder what if you got that one. Ask him out to coffee; ask her out to a movie, it doesn't matter if you've dropped in from out of nowhere. You'd be surprised, you just might be "the one that got away" as well for the person who is your "the one that got away."

You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won't make a difference. If the timing is finally right, it'll all just fall into place somehow and you know. I'm thinking, it would be a great feeling in the end, to be able to say to someone, "Hey you, you're the one that ALMOST got away.

Why does my timing suck?

Monday, May 07, 2007

Infinity

What is infinity? While I was lost in the muddled-up mess that is my thoughts, an idea came to me. Infinity. Infinity as an idea. That all-elusive number that will always be one more than we can possibly count. It's that distance an inch more than we can travel. It's that time, a moment more than our lives. Infinity is an ideal. It is something we can never reach. Forever. But why do we have such an impassable number or distance? From my experiences, we have "infinity" because there are just some things that no matter how hard we try, how much we give, how long we wait... will always be just out of reach. As long as we can come up with something to get as closer to it, the more it resists and all the more further it moves away. It taunts us to try harder. It moves us to be stronger. It motivates us to aim higher. But as long as we have a goal, infinity will be just a bit more beyond it.

Some things in life are just infinitely out of reach. And the only thing that can go through infinity is our dreams - dreams that fade the moment we open our eyes.

Seeing infinity has opened my eyes to just how limited I am.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Perhaps it is time

A time to say goodbye.

It's kind of hard, but these things are usually inevitable. Nothing is permanent anyway, and most things change in time, whether we want them to or not. And not all of the changes are good. Maybe this is the proper time. I've done all I can, and perhaps a bit more than required. But I couldn't just stop mid-flight and say, "I quit." We all draw a line at what's important to us, we never cross that line. We try our best so we won't regret. But why do I still feel regret at all of this? Have I not tried my best? God knows I held on far longer than people tell me I should. Maybe it's a sign of my weakness that I cannot hold on to my ideals, to what I value. But all things end.

Don't worry, things aren't so bad. Tomorrow will be much worse.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Just So You Know

by Jesse McCartney

I shouldn't love you but I want you
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

Just so you know
This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around, I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
I just gotta say it all
Before I go
Just so you know

It's getting hard to be around you
There's so much I can't say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other way

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

This emptiness is killing me
And I'm wondering why I've waited so long
Looking back I realize
It was always there just never spoken
I'm waiting here...been waiting here



mahirap talaga...

Sunday, April 22, 2007

When it is painfully obvious...

Sometimes it's just easier to give up than to hold on to something. We just believe that holding on to an impossible thing will prove our determination or strength of will or character... that we don't give up easily. But when everything is stacked against you, is it still that easy? Does it still prove strength of character? There are times when holding on despite the odds can be called a noble cause, something to be emulated. We hold on to values in this manner, and it is a noble ideal not to succumb when things don't always go the way you want. But there are times too when there's no point. It just becomes stubbornness to keep fighting for something that clearly isn't going to work out.

Patience and determination are not infinite in a person. By the essence of change, we do not stay with the same ideals, the same hope, the same faith throughout our lives.

People change.

And sometimes, no matter how hard you try, no matter how often you fall and get back up, people will always let you down. And then you come to ask yourself:

Is it still worth it to hold on?

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Heart of Mine

I'm sitting in front of the television when all of a sudden a song comes up as I watched. I've heard the song over a dozen times before, and it never hit me quite like it did just now. And so I post the lyrics, because for the first time, they make sense to me... for the first time, the song has some significance in an uncanny way.

Heart of Mine

One day, you may find true love that will last forever and ever
'Till then you'll spend a lifetime wishing one together
You never thought she'd say goodbye
And you will never understand the reasons why

Heart of mine, how can you keep from dying
Stop reminiscing, who is she kissing
Heart of mine, oh what's the use in trying
No one can mend you now

Love plays cruel games
You can't believe she's found another lover
Does she miss me
Sometimes you just can't help but wonder

No you can't hold the hands of time
And you will always be the one she left behind

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Practicality

What's the deal with practicality?

The say that logic could come off as cold and efficient - emotionless and uncaring. Reason, it seems, can be carried out without much conscience. Is that what it means to be practical? To be efficient in everything? Cold in decisions and actions? I have always been proud that I'm quite logical, but that didn't mean I do not consider feelings as well. It hits me when people who used to do things one way suddenly shift their paradigm or way of doing things because they decided to be more practical. In effect, they may have become a little cold in the process. It really all comes down to priorities. If something isn't your priority, then its never going to be practical...

Friday, March 16, 2007

Sometimes, you have to be cruel to be kind. That rings true today. Cruelty can be an act of kindness, because sometimes it takes some force to shake someone out of an illusion.

Life happens.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Sucks

It's a fact of life. People leave. They disappear. And in the end, you're left all alone.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

2am Reflection

There are a lot of things that we have no control over, even though some of those things have the power to hurt us so deeply. And that's the risk we all take in dealing with them. And the sad thing is, we usually can't choose not to. It's a given, it's life. And sometimes, it sucks.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Pointless post

What's the point of this post? Perhaps there's no point other than wanting to put something down on these dying pages of my blog. Much like everything else about life - dying. The moment we are born, we start to die. The beginning of everything also marks its end in time. That's how it goes, how the cookie crumbles, how the world turns. Everything ends. Eventually. Oh why did some things have to end sooner, I have no clue. But perhaps that is for the best. If it were gonna end anyway, what's the use prolonging it when doing so would only make the end seem more bitter and sad than it already is. If that's the fate of everything, why bother wishing for it to drag on. Ha, so much negativity that needs to be released. Well, not my fault. The workings of this world is a mystery to me. An ever greater mystery is the workings of a mind. Is there even such a thing as feelings? Isn't it all in the mind? It bothers me that I feel so much and I can't even rationalize with it. Why can't I make it stop? Why does certain things or actions bring out these things?

Sometimes I think: wouldn't it be nice to have no heart at all. Nothing to hurt, nothing to break. And maybe nothing of that dreadful thing called "love"...

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Another song

Another song I heard recently that really struck a chord. You know the feeling of hearing a song and thinking that it must have been made just for you because what it says is just too familiar? Well, this is one of those for me, and I bet for a lot of other people out there too.

What hurts the most - Rascal Flatts
(shortened version)

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then
and just let 'em out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again
I pretend I'm ok
, but that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away
And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was trying to do


It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you every where I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends
And I'm alone
Still harder
Gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret,
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away, all the words that I saved in my heart that I left unspoken

Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do