Coldness

A recent event got me thinking about something I have already thought of before, but now in a different light completely. I once had something to say about people drifting apart. The major reason for that is through the loss of contact and time. But that isn't the only reason. There is also a matter of people distancing themselves - growing cold.

People do this for different reasons, the most common being because of hostility. But that is not the reason that made me think. What made me think is when it happens not by choice but by chance. Why does it happen even when you don't even want it to happen, or it's the last thing in your mind that you'd want to do? My first thought was that it's the mind's way to deal with something traumatic, like anger, depression, awkwardness, shock, rejection, or something one is very unprepared for. Obviously I've had my fair share of this, mainly as the target of such coldness and distancing. And almost everytime it happened, I felt lost. I know all too well what it feels to be in the receiving end of such an event. The only real way to cope is to grow cold too..

This time though, I was the one who did it. I don't really know when it started, I didn't even know it was happening. It was just brought to my attention, which now leads me into writing this. Why? I didn't want to be cold to anyone. The only reasonable explanation I can manage to formulate is that I've been too distraught by recent events that I'm not my usual self. I'm much more contemplative and quiet now. Maybe even a bit jaded. I'm not really trying to distance myself, not consciously, but MAYBE it is happening. Maybe it stems from a bit of confusion too, confusion over what to do or how to act with regards to the recent events in my life. When one doesn't know what to do, the tendency is to do nothing.

I cannot explain it further than that, but if you think I've grown a little bit cold and distant, I'm sorry. It is not my intention to do so. I know how it feels like to be on the receiving end, and I'm trying not to do it. I will never leave you, I promise.