Explanations

I have a tendency to worry a lot. Worrying is part of life, or so I'd like to believe, but there are times when it takes on a life of its own. One thing I've realized from this is that the things I worry about tend to be things I have little or no control over, and things I consider of great importance. Small things merit small worries, but the ones that really get me worked up have a tendency of being so elusive. That's the best description I can give. Despite this being an explanation, I really can't explain everything. A factor would be because this is only meant for some people; another is that I honestly don't know for sure. For the former, well, I'll explain more some other time, or you can just ask me. For the latter case though, that's pretty much it, until I can understand a bit more. But I digress; back to the topic at hand.

As I've said, I do tend to worry around too much about things most people would find inconsequential. But taking my past into consideration, nothing is of no consequence. I guess I've told a lot of people about my pessimistic behavior, and I don't think it's gone. In fact I don't think that will ever be changed much. It's been an intricate part of my nature now that sometimes I forget that it's there. My experiences didn't necessarily help either. They just served as confirmation of what I've already established before - that, sadly, life isn't so nice. And maybe it even goes out of it's way especially for me.. But this isn't meant to appeal for pity, I only meant this as an explanation, at least partially. It's quite hard to think about these things and avoid staining it with beliefs and biases, but I am trying hard. I'm trying to write down what I have believed in for so very long. But so far I've only touched upon my pessimistic nature. Well, it plays a big role as to why I worry. You see, when something quite good happens to me, I have a tendency of not letting myself think on it too much because I believe that sooner or later, it'll just disappear, just like everythig else before it (as my nature leads me to believe). But there are times when that "good thing" tends to stay a bit longer than usual, and I become accustomed to it. That's when problems arise. The moment I get the tiniest hint of it changing, I begin to panic. It seems that I easily get attached, as some people warn me against. While this isn't really a bad thing in itself, it's bad the way it mixes with how I see things. Anyway, my point is, I do worry too much, and that is because I'm afraid. Afraid that what little I have would slip from my hands and vanish.

I've written too many things already, and still I'm not quite done. But what I was trying to say here is that when I worry about something, I'm afraid of losing it. It may be a state of mind, a person, a hope - it's those things that I've lost before in some way or another and thought I would never find again that I'm most worried about, most afraid of losing. All my other entries prior to this have served as partial explanations, a sort of precursor to this one.

In the end, I ask myself this question: Why am I writing this down? I'm risking the fact that other people are bound to read this, and maybe some will understand what I'm saying, but there will be those that won't. Why then am I still risking it? I think I know my answer..

...

I'm scared.. and worried.. and uncertain..

Gradual Change

It's one of those things that creeps up on you. Things have been changing lately, and it's scary. Although a lot of good changes have happened, I can't seem to help but wonder how many changed to a not-so-good state ever so slowly that I failed to notice them. Or maybe I'm just up to my pessimism again. Either way, I'm not too happy about it. In a sense, these gradual changes prove that things do change, and like it or not, some aren't always for the better. I've spoken about drift before, and it's the same thing. It's the tiny movements that you hardly notice until it's a long way from you already. It's the things that grow smaller and smaller everyday that eventually disappears without you ever knowing. It's the tiny amount of poison that kills you ever so slowly as each day passes.

Something must have happened.

Right now there is change happening. Whether it is good or bad remains to be seen, but I'm worried nonetheless. Worried of what I might lose ever so slowly, worried about the outcome of the change. What chimera would turn out this time? What visage awaits the morning light? As darkness is uncovered, will I discover myself to be alone again? Will I be the only one standing here when I thought otherwise? The signs are vague, and very much mixed. Words changed, and worlds changed.

When I wake up tomorrow, will everything still be the same?

Music

Music can be quite strange.

How can some music bring about a long forgotten memory? Or so easily sway a person's mood? How can it make you remember sights, smells and even tastes? It makes one reminisce, ponder, pause from whatever one's doing. Music is even said to soothe the savage beast.

There are some songs that when I hear, bring back some very fond memories. They make me feel different, make me remember sensations I had before. They make me sweat, make my skin tingle, speed my breathing, they transform me. There are songs that make me forget my fears, songs that make me uneasy. There are those that lift my spirits, and those that weigh it down. What is it in those songs that make them do that to me? It is true for everyone else?

Let's see.. from what I remember, I guess the songs that trigger those emotions, reactions, and feelings are the songs that I heard when something traumatic or eventful happens. That's my theory anyway. Maybe it's true. How else can you explain the effect of particular songs on my appetite, my sleeping habits, me boredom, my giddiness, my irritation, my elation, my sadness...

Music is such a mystery.

Windows

Here I am writing again. About what? I don't really have the strangest idea, I'm just writing and that's that. Well.. actually, there are a lot of things in my mind lately. Unfortunately, I can't write them here.. Strange? I guess. This is supposed to be a place where I can be myself, and yet even here I wear a mask that tells me what I should or shouldn't say. How ironic. The one place I can be free, I'm chained by the fact that I can't voice out everything. No offense to people who do read this, but there is just something scary about revealing your innermost thoughts to other people, no matter who they are. My mind is my private world. And the only one who lives in it is me. No one else. So it's rather a scary thought to show others what my world looks like, even through this small window, for fear that they won't understand and so judge who I am or hold reservations based on what they see through the window. And so I try to control what I write; censor it so that only the most pleasant scenes show through. So here I am again stuck without a medium for releasing pent-up emotions and nagging thoughts that the world deems taboo.

I'm stuck. This place has lost a great part of its purpose. I have a window that has been tinted to filter out the glaring colors of my thoughts. A window that serves only to paint a good picture, an illusion, an outer box to hide what is hidden.

Here I am babbling again.. not everything is so bad. The world still continues to turn, and right now it's great. Really. There are things to be happy about, though I'm still not sure if any of it is real.. or just in my imagination. If it turns out to be just mere phantoms of the mind, then I pray I don't wake any time soon. I'd prefer to continue dreaming a bit longer please, if it were a dream. If it were real.. then that's a completely different story. And I'd never want to sleep again.

What wakes me up in the morning and what helps me sleep at night is just the thought that maybe, just maybe, everything right now is real. That's is all the assurance I need to be truly happy..

A bit unsure

Something's bothering me, but I'm not quite certain if it should or shouldn't. I can't trust my reasoning right now because it's not working properly. Here's where my pessimistic view of the world around me has got to stop clouding everything; every action, every word, everything said and left unsaid..
It's quite difficult when the mind's a mess over something like this. Basic decisions become hurdles and simple questions grow to some life-changing size - even if deep down you know it's silly.

***

I recently encountered that word again, a word that I should have forgotten a long time ago. In a perfect world, no such thing should exist, but this one is far from perfect, and that has troubled me as of late. Especially now..

Fears

Some emotions draw out some rather interesting responses or actions. One of those is fear. I don't understand what is it in fear that can bring the most steadfast person trembling to his knees, or chip away resolve down to uncertainty. Fear triggers hesitation, fear triggers inaction, fear triggers the flight response. For me it's one of the most powerful emotions there is - even strong enough to render the others ineffective. It can however multiply those same emotions too.

What do you fear?
Why are you afraid?

Is fear of loss really that great? It's this fear that drives us to falter; the greater the risk, the more we hesitate. Do I move forward? Or take what I have and walk away? I don't want to face that decision again. Not with so much on the line. They say that risk equals, even outweighs, the rewards. But risk triggers fear, and fear incapacitates. It renders useless the faculties of a sound logic.

Am I afraid?

I guess. About many things. Things I do not have control of. Things that I can only wait for to happen. Fear mixed with dread. A sense of inevitability. They say you only need to get burned once to have the fear of fire driven upon you. But how can you explain the people who try to stare down fear? Are they really unafraid? Or do they have something that far outweighs their fears? - a greater fear of not doing anything about it, or not being able to do anything.

A coward dies many times before his death; the courageous only tastes of death but once.

Changes

I don't think it's good for anything to be static for a very long time, although how long is a long time really depends on many things. I think change is a necessary thing, to avoid stagnation that eventually sets in. Life is a very important recipient of change - it's what changes the most. It's dynamic and sometimes, people do get lost, unable to catch up with the changes. I think I do need to change some things in my life. It's far from perfect and I doubt any change I do will make it suddenly a whole lot better. Small steps, that's how things are done. Rush something and some things are bound to get destroyed, sort of like the wind that follows the wake of a speeding car - or plane. A sonic boom of sorts. It's the little changes that don't get noticed as much, and only by those few who pay attention. Will anyone notice how much I'm changing? Has anyone seen how much I've changed? I have. And sometimes I myself can't even tell, until I'm suddenly surprised by my own actions.