Explanations

I have a tendency to worry a lot. Worrying is part of life, or so I'd like to believe, but there are times when it takes on a life of its own. One thing I've realized from this is that the things I worry about tend to be things I have little or no control over, and things I consider of great importance. Small things merit small worries, but the ones that really get me worked up have a tendency of being so elusive. That's the best description I can give. Despite this being an explanation, I really can't explain everything. A factor would be because this is only meant for some people; another is that I honestly don't know for sure. For the former, well, I'll explain more some other time, or you can just ask me. For the latter case though, that's pretty much it, until I can understand a bit more. But I digress; back to the topic at hand.

As I've said, I do tend to worry around too much about things most people would find inconsequential. But taking my past into consideration, nothing is of no consequence. I guess I've told a lot of people about my pessimistic behavior, and I don't think it's gone. In fact I don't think that will ever be changed much. It's been an intricate part of my nature now that sometimes I forget that it's there. My experiences didn't necessarily help either. They just served as confirmation of what I've already established before - that, sadly, life isn't so nice. And maybe it even goes out of it's way especially for me.. But this isn't meant to appeal for pity, I only meant this as an explanation, at least partially. It's quite hard to think about these things and avoid staining it with beliefs and biases, but I am trying hard. I'm trying to write down what I have believed in for so very long. But so far I've only touched upon my pessimistic nature. Well, it plays a big role as to why I worry. You see, when something quite good happens to me, I have a tendency of not letting myself think on it too much because I believe that sooner or later, it'll just disappear, just like everythig else before it (as my nature leads me to believe). But there are times when that "good thing" tends to stay a bit longer than usual, and I become accustomed to it. That's when problems arise. The moment I get the tiniest hint of it changing, I begin to panic. It seems that I easily get attached, as some people warn me against. While this isn't really a bad thing in itself, it's bad the way it mixes with how I see things. Anyway, my point is, I do worry too much, and that is because I'm afraid. Afraid that what little I have would slip from my hands and vanish.

I've written too many things already, and still I'm not quite done. But what I was trying to say here is that when I worry about something, I'm afraid of losing it. It may be a state of mind, a person, a hope - it's those things that I've lost before in some way or another and thought I would never find again that I'm most worried about, most afraid of losing. All my other entries prior to this have served as partial explanations, a sort of precursor to this one.

In the end, I ask myself this question: Why am I writing this down? I'm risking the fact that other people are bound to read this, and maybe some will understand what I'm saying, but there will be those that won't. Why then am I still risking it? I think I know my answer..