Windows

Here I am writing again. About what? I don't really have the strangest idea, I'm just writing and that's that. Well.. actually, there are a lot of things in my mind lately. Unfortunately, I can't write them here.. Strange? I guess. This is supposed to be a place where I can be myself, and yet even here I wear a mask that tells me what I should or shouldn't say. How ironic. The one place I can be free, I'm chained by the fact that I can't voice out everything. No offense to people who do read this, but there is just something scary about revealing your innermost thoughts to other people, no matter who they are. My mind is my private world. And the only one who lives in it is me. No one else. So it's rather a scary thought to show others what my world looks like, even through this small window, for fear that they won't understand and so judge who I am or hold reservations based on what they see through the window. And so I try to control what I write; censor it so that only the most pleasant scenes show through. So here I am again stuck without a medium for releasing pent-up emotions and nagging thoughts that the world deems taboo.

I'm stuck. This place has lost a great part of its purpose. I have a window that has been tinted to filter out the glaring colors of my thoughts. A window that serves only to paint a good picture, an illusion, an outer box to hide what is hidden.

Here I am babbling again.. not everything is so bad. The world still continues to turn, and right now it's great. Really. There are things to be happy about, though I'm still not sure if any of it is real.. or just in my imagination. If it turns out to be just mere phantoms of the mind, then I pray I don't wake any time soon. I'd prefer to continue dreaming a bit longer please, if it were a dream. If it were real.. then that's a completely different story. And I'd never want to sleep again.

What wakes me up in the morning and what helps me sleep at night is just the thought that maybe, just maybe, everything right now is real. That's is all the assurance I need to be truly happy..