Today

Today I have nothing insightful to write about. There are no deep reflections, no wisdom, no intellectual discourses, nothing. The only thing I want to write about today is today.

I've been troubled for who knows how long about things I can't even all remember. I can usually deal with all of it, but not today. Today is the day I can't hold any more. Wala na, di ko na kaya. Matagal na akong nagsusulat ng entries na similar dito. And what makes this one any different from the past ones? Maybe wala para sa inyo. But for me, lahat. Mabigat na masyado. Di ko na kaya. I've been driving myself too hard para lang di ko mapansin yung mga problema, and that was working quite fine. Di ko lang namalayan na sobrang bigat na pala ng dala ko..

Bakit ngayon at di ibang araw? Di ko alam. Maybe it's the stat LT na di ko masagutan kanina. Maybe it's the A I didn't get sa Eco despite how I've promised myself na makukuha ko. Maybe it's the Japanese LT kanina na di ko masagot ang isang part. Maybe talagang pagod na ako. Kung yang mga yan lang, kaya ko pa, pero hindi eh. Maybe those were the "last straws."

I didn't think I'd break down. For three years, I've held everything inside. For three years I've been able to manage everything. For three years I had some control. Today, wala na. Bumitaw na lang ba ako? Baka. Nagsasawa na rin ako eh. Galit sa akin ang tadhana. Walang pakialam ang mundo. Mag-isa lang ako dito sa loob ko. Mag-isang nagbubuhat ng mga pasakit ng buhay. Mag-isang nag-aayos ng problema.

Bahala kayong magsabi na "ok lang yan." Pero hindi naman totoo. It's all in the mind and I know na I can get through it if I just believe I can. But I'm tired of lying to myself, saying that everything's going to be ok when it's not. I don't want to live on illusions kasi madali silang mabasag. No more. Di ko na alam gagawin ko ngayon. In all honesty, I really don't know anymore. Bahala na. Masasabi ko lang talaga is sawa na ako.

I quit.