Moment of Weakness

There was a time before when I really couldn't see the point in anything. Back then, the wounds I had were still fresh in the mind and in my heart. I couldn't comprehend a lot of things, most of which is the pain that the heart alone knows how to inflict upon itself. It was pain similar to being ripped apart from inside - a slow hurt that blooms from the core and slowly spreads all over. It's not the usual pain that has physical cause, no. It's the kind that goes beyond any physical wound. To simulate this much pain physically would kill you first. And one day, on the 16th of February, I wrote what I was feeling...

I don't have anything to look forward to. In my every endeavor, I have failed. My loneliness has set in deep, especially this past Valentine's Day. Nothing I do ever seems to matter; not to anyone, and not even to myself anymore. In my depression, I often wonder what my life is all about. I'm so confused. I can't make up my mind whether I should start being happy or stay sad. I know the answer might seem obvious, but it's not. I do try to be happy, to find some good in the bad stuff that I get, but it doesn't last. Sometimes, I don't even try anymore. Do I still have hope? I don't know. Sometimes it's there and then it's gone, only to be back later before it disappears once more. It's a vicious, endless cycle. And with every round, I feel myself get weaker and weaker. I think I shouldn't be happy anymore because when I'm happy, it seems that sadness is heavier when it sets in. It's a mystery to me why I feel this way. I wasn't always like this. Only these past few months have I felt like this, like the emotions of my entire life have been packed into mere moments. Sooner or later, something would have to give. I wonder what I'd do when it finally gets down to that one moment when I can't handle it anymore. I just hope I don't do anything foolish..
My life seems hopeless that I wonder if it would've been better had I not existed. People usually find strength in friends, but what happens when your friends aren't there when you need them the most? Where would you get the strength to face your problems then? Right now I feel so alone, I feel so distant from everyone else. Maybe I'm just doing it to myself.. It's tough. My friends are nowhere, not even a single word from anybody..
I've failed at happiness. I've failed at love. I've failed at hope. I've failed at friendship. I don't think anybody knows how I must be feeling right now.. I don't even know for myself. What is causing all of this pain? Is it love or the lack of it? Love can give you wings, but it can also chain you to the ground. I wish someone loved me. I wish someone cared enough for me. I wish I wasn't so lonely.

Writing this brought me back to that time of weakness. Oh how everything goes flooding back in, given the chance! Hay! Buhay nga naman o! Isang panaghinip lamang ba ang kasiyahan?