Faded Cloud

I was watching something on TV last night. It was about super structures that engineers plan on building in the future; tall buildings reaching out to the clouds as far as the eye can see... I voiced out aloud that I wanted to do something like that; design something as grand.

My dad replied, "hay, tama na. Paano mo yan magagawa? Wala ka naman ginagawa kung hindi maglaro ng computer at manood ng TV."

Frankly, I don't think my parents believe I can do anything. Although they don't say it outright, most of what they do say would sound something similar to the one above everytime I tell them what I want to do. In fact, "computer games" are one of the most common things they blame for almost everything they don't like in me. With so much negativity flying around, I'm surprised any dream managed to take a foothold.

Unfortunately, my confidence has slowly been diminishing. Every remark like that makes it weaker and weaker. Sometimes, I come to a point where I even doubt myself. I come to a point where I don't trust my abilities.

It used to be that I had so many dreams back then. That was when I could draw whenever I wanted. I didn't have to wait for "inspiration," there was no need. I had an optimistic view of the world. Everything was possible, doable, just waiting to be done. It might have been my brain maturing, or something else... but now, I'm a realist. The possibilities aren't quite endless anymore. Things had limits. People cannot fly by themselves and I will never own my own country. Things like that are for fairytales... I can't draw as much anymore. Now I need to be in the right frame of mind to do so. So what happened to me between then and now?

Well,...

Life happened.

I've been told so many times what I cannot do, that there are so many things I really can't do... or won't... because I believe them enough when they told me that I'll fail if I continue. Life has covered my world with ashes from my burned dreams that it doesn't quite shine anymore... not like before. It's dull and gray and faded, and no matter what I do, I can't get it to glow like it used to.

And all that because someone started telling me what I cannot do.

-Michael