Same old ghosts

I'm having trouble balancing schoolwork and other stuff again. Whenever I step up at something, it seems that I lose control of another. I've had three Ec102 quizzes go bad because I concentrated on CS21b. I've lost control of my Th121 performance, fell behind my JSP1, and spiraling to oblivion in my LS11. Why can't I get a grip on things? I need to regain my hold on Ec102, or else I'll lose my possibly only chance for an "A" and I have to stabilize my LS11 that's dying on me.

With all these problems in my studies, I wonder if I'm even up for other tasks and responsibilities. I'm being directed to run for VP for Documentations in ASEC by my fellow EB members and I'm being encouraged to try for a managerial spot in Celadon as well. It may be a good chance to develop my skills and potential, but it may very well blow up in my face too. Tough decisions. And I'm not used to making any.

I remember what my physics teacher said back in highschool, "pressure is necessary to form coals into diamonds." How much pressure can I take? I might just break before anything happens. But I can't let other people down. I don't want to be the reason for their downfall. I'll just have to work harder and keep pushing myself. I do hope I'm doing the right thing.

On another note, I think I'm sinking into something again. I don't know what it is, but it's all too familiar. I remember reading that the only way for one to truly experience something is for one to experience the opposite of it first. Taking that into context, I really can't say that I'm sad and depressed because I haven't felt happy for a long time. I've always been depressed to some level or degree that I'm somewhat jaded to the feeling already - it's just part of life now. What's new is that I'm tired. I'm tired of always feeling that I'm at the bottom of my barrel. I'm tired of being indifferent to happiness. I'm just tired... Things like that just eat you up inside until you're all hollow and devoid of feeling. You know how pain would numb after some time? It's something similar to that. I'm already numb, and now I'm tired of it. Tired of the monotony of it all. Tired of going through the same thing day-in and day-out, every single day. *sigh*

These are some things that haunt me for the moment. There may be more, but I can't tell one from the other while they're whirling inside me. I wish I could just release them all...

-Michael